It can't be Christmas time yet, can it? Jeez, it is, so I guess I have no option except to present the annual Pretzel Logic Holiday Column.
Do You Hear What I Hear?
Courtesy of a Sun-Times story from last Christmas, here are some recordings of holiday songs you should avoid this year and every year: "O Holy Night" sung by Barry "Greg Brady" Williams and Maureen "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia" McCormick; "The Dreidel Song" by the Chickens Symphony Orchestra; "Deck The Halls" sung by Dan "Hoss Cartwright" Blocker ( thankfully they've never played it at Charlie's ) ; "Silver Bells" by Kathie Lee Gifford and Regis Philbin; "Winter Wonderland" sung by the San Francisco 49ers ( OK, lesbians might like this one, and gay guys would have if only it were sung by the San Francisco 69ers ) ; "Here Comes Santa" sung by Little Joe Ritchie a/k/a Joe Pesci ( ???? ) ; "Hanukkah Rocks" by Joe Gefilte & the Fish ( this one's gotta smell ) ; and "Even Squeaky Fromme Likes Christmas" sung by the Rev. Glen Armstrong ( for when you want to celebrate a Manson Family Christmas ) .
Shiny Happy Chosen People
Here's an excerpt from an e-mail sent to me by a Jewish friend of mine, Steve: "Don't you just love how you really can't say 'Happy' for most Jewish holidays?!?!?!? Like you really can't say 'Happy Yom Kippur' or 'Happy Rosh Hashanah.' Most greeting cards say something like, 'Thinking of you on this holiday' or something like that. You can
say 'Happy Chanukah' but that is about it."
You're The Top
Do gay Jewish men who are tops refer to themselves as dreidels?
Santa Horny
The earliest Santa-like figure was Herne/Pan, god of the hunt, who was often depicted with reindeer-like horns on his head.
Coca-Claus
Over the centuries Santa ( and Santa-equivalents such as Pere Noël, Father Christmas, Grandfather Frost, etc ) has had numerous costume changes, including a bishop's frock, a long coat and tight pants, and fur-trimmed robes "in every color of the rainbow." The red and white suit we all know and love was introduced in 1931 as part of a Coca-Cola advertisement.
Supersized Santa
Although "St. Nicholas" is usually depicted as being tall, most popular references to Santa have him dwarf-like in height. It was not until the Coca-Cola ads that started in the '30's that Santa grew to full size. Must have been all those calories.
Cassius Claus
Boxing Day, celebrated in Britain, Canada and Australia on December 26, has nothing to do with professional prize fighting.
The Perfect Holiday For Sammy Davis, Jr.
Virgin Mobile USA has ads out that refer to "Chrismahanukwanzakah."
From Virgin Mary To Virgin Mobile
One Virgin Mobile ad wishes a "Happy Chrismahanukwanzakah," and depicts a reindeer with menorah-shaped antlers, a Star of David resting on his forehead, and wearing an amulet in the shape of the African continent around his neck, while in the background two four-armed Santas sit on lotus flowers, with each one playing the sitar and holding a dreidel.
OC Can You Sue?
The Fox-TV show "The OC" had an episode that mentioned "Chrismukkah," a hybrid holiday one of the characters on the show invented for his family. Some guy in Montana was inspired to come up with a line of Chrismukkah cards, and now both sides are getting their lawyers ready.
Wearing Rudolph
I own a pair of Tony Lama caribou-skin cowboy boots that I usually wear on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. The word "caribou" is defined as "any of several large reindeer native to northern North America."
If you've ever caught Santa Claus wearing nothing but his boots, e-mail me at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com and tell me about the ho-ho-ho.
