I came out of the tipi two columns ago and wrote about the fact that I recently learned I was one-quarter Native American. And since that column got me one hostile e-mail from a Native American, I figure I might as well piss even more off with a second.
Since my ancestors were apparently Mohawk, and not plains Indians, they would have lived in a longhouse, and not a tipi.
"The Longhouse" would make a great name for an Indian leather bar.
Maybe He Heard He Was A Chicken Hawk And Got Confused
I might be mistaken, but didn't Michael Jackson once dress up like a Native American in one of his music videos?
Does this mean I now have an "Indian basket?"
Color Me Gay
Well, I guess it makes sense that I should be half Polish, one-quarter Anglo, and one-quarter Indian and end up gay. After all, when you mix red and white don't you end up with pink?
So Sue Me
Does my being gay and part Native American make me a boy named Sioux?
What's In A Name?
The good thing about having a last name like "Magdziarz" is that it's so freaking unusual some people might just assume it's Indian.
Give Those Old Interests The Boot
Does this mean I need to develop a moccasin fetish?
Give Him The Boot
In Boots v. Sharrow, a custody case in Ontario, Canada, between a Mohawk and his estranged wife, Mr. Boots claimed his wife should not have custody of their children because Mohawk culture looked upon her cohabitation with a non-Mohawk woman as being "incompatible with Mohawk ways" and "deviant."
This Could Cause Me To Have Reservations
If at next year's Gay Pride Parade someone throws me a string of cheap plastic beads, does this now mean I have to give him my house in return?
Not A Sure Bet
So, when do I get my share of all those casino profits?
Eventually I Might Have To Get An Indian Rug
I'm not developing a bald spot... I've been scalped!
Hats Off To Dave
The reason why I will never wear my hair in a Mohawk? There's no way to wear a cowboy hat with it.
Two Spirits Are Better Than One
"Two-spirit" is a term coined in the early 1990's to refer to queer Native Americans.
Was Tinky Winkte A Gay Native-American Teletubby?
The Lakota ( Sioux ) refer to a two-spirit male a "winkte."
The Cheyenne called a two-spirit male a "he man eh."
Those Damned Savages!
The closing paragraph of one web page discussing "two-spirit" people in traditional Native American cultures said in part: "It is a lasting testament to the psychological sophistication of Native tribes that they recognized two-spirit people as being engines of creativity, change and innovation ( much as they have been in other cultures and continue to be in ours ) and cooperated in creating the sacred space in which such people could manifest. As Joe Medicine Crow, a Crow traditionalist, told Walter Williams, 'We don't waste people the way white society does. Every person has their gift.'"
Yeah, And Canaan Sounds Sort Of Like Canada, Where Lots Of Indians Live...
According to a web site entitled "Homosexuality is Pagan Religion," Native Americans are supposedly the descendants of the Canaanites, and in Canaan people routinely engaged in transvestitism and homosexual acts ( which was bad ) , and as part of that naughty transvestite homosexuality they cut their hair, so that "was the origin of the Mohawk-style hair cut of American Indians."
If you are a transvestite homosexual relative of mine from Canaan, you can send me an e-cuneiform tablet at PretzelLogicDave@aol.com