Hang your festive balls and unwrap your holiday boxes as December gets fully under way this week. Keep an eye on Mercury which flies into Cap only to retrograde back into Sag. Your secret is Out, baby! Ho ho ho. Hey who are you calling a ho??
ARIES (MARCH 21 - APRIL 20) Have you been naughty or nice in your career, gay Ram? You may get the key to the starchamber but as Mercury retrogrades, it can mean a key to the utility closet. Don't enter the closet no matter how utilitarian it seems. Friends are a source of surprises. Boom.
TAURUS (APRIL 21 - MAY 21) Queer Bulls get their tails into all sorts of mischief. Planets in jolly Sag hang your Christmas tinsel all over town. Will you go hooves over horns by New Year's? Retro Mercury balls up holiday travel so check your vacation list at least twice.
GEMINI (MAY 22 - JUNE 21) Pink Twins couldn't be alone if they tried! Everyone tries to hook up with you. How tiring and, according to retro Mercury, confusing. Try not to burn your candle at both ends. You can wind up with a tiny burnt wick and few like it that way.
CANCER (JUNE 22 - JULY 23) The elves are talking; don't ignore them. Success is in the details and the best way to see the details is close up and from below. Retro Mercury places your claws in your mouth through the month, pink Crab. Think before you complain ... er, I mean speak.
LEO (JULY 24 - AUGUST 23) Proud Lions get bogged down in the day-to-day grind and need to find a refreshing escape before they go mad. Relationships are a source of surprises. Go go go to faraway climes to jumpstart the heart, mind and holiday spirit. Ho ho ho.
VIRGO (AUGUST 24 - SEPTEMBER 23) There is simply too much activity going on at home. Invite a certain someone to share the holiday meal, queer Virgin. But don't get too creative now; retro Mercury has you eating the finger paints and painting your body with gravy. Well OK!
LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 24 - OCTOBER 23) Holiday parties pile up and spam your schedule. Gay Libras should choose events that provide more punch than eggnog. Retro Mercury says 'Get out of the house' and provides a few choice words to guarantee it. Oops. Hang the mistletoe later.
SCORPIO (OCTOBER 24 - NOVEMBER 22) Proud Scorps are tempted to drop their diplomatic veil but keep it on! Retrograde Mercury whispers all sorts of nasty things in Santa's ear. What is in that gaily wrapped parcel? Wow, a complete set of Guy Lombardo CD classics. How nice.
SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 23 - DECEMBER 22) Gay Archers focus more on finances when Mercury retrogrades through Capricorn. Santa is reviewing your case and measuring your sock for cash or coal. Just how naughty have you been?? I hear the market in coal stock is rising.
CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 23 - JANUARY 20) Pink Caps dream of adulation, attention and accolades. Dream on darling. Retro Mercury casts reindeer droppings in your path that you trudge onto center stage. My advice is to celebrate the holidays at home where you can be as Outrageous as you dare.
AQUARIUS (JANUARY 21 - FEBRUARY 19) Your secret is Out Aqueerius. Stand back and watch the party unfold. December brings dramatic change to the forefront and encourages you to take matters in your own hands. Be sure that you wash your hands before every meal.
PISCES (FEBRUARY 20 - MARCH 20) Guppies would be mistaken to believe that affable company is all there is to this month. Uranus demands that you plan transformative new years resolutions. Was it something you said to friends? Blame miscommunication on retro Mercury ... and spiked eggnog.
© 2003 MADAM LICHTENSTEIN, LLC., All Rights Reserved. For Entertainment Purposes Only. Cruise www.TheStarryEye.com for prescient horoscopes. Madam is the author of 'HerScopes; A Guide To Astrology For Lesbians' from Simon & Schuster.