Let's welcome April! Try not to act foolish when heavenly orbs change course. Jupiter redirects on the 4th while Mercury retrogrades on the 26th. All in all, count on happy endings when Mars sparks big changes and Venus highlights our good points around the 22nd. Hey, you only need one good point!
ARIES Rowdy Mars and jolly Jupiter shake (or stir) your cocktail as the waves of the social swirl lap at your thighs. But April fools and their money are soon parted with retro Mercury on the 26th. Buying a pig in a poke? My advice; avoid the former, strive for the latter.
TAURUS The Sun shimmies into your sign on the 21st and increases your charisma. Don't put a hoof in your mouth with retro Mercury on the 26th. Thank the stars that Venus shines a pink light on you and Mars makes you a mover and shaker. Move and shake this pal!
GEMINI Life is one big gay adventure when Jupiter redirects and amplifies your whispers to a shout after the 4th. Queer Twins charm the masses but save your sweetest bon mots for a select few. Venus sez you can open more flies with honey after the 23rd. ...
CANCER April can be used to expand your professional opportunities and set plans in motion. Venus insures that all hit their intended mark after the 23rd. Pink Crabs may find that the thrill of sex is more costly with Jupiter and Mars. Get your money's worth.
LEO As April advances, you may find that your surging popularity is at odds with relationship needs. Share and share alike, lover, or Mars tips your loveboat on the 22nd. Generous gay Lions dance around the maypole next month. Stingy gay Lions ask 'may I?'
VIRGO The Sun takes you on fabulous journeys after the 21st. But retro Mercury may steer you off course after the 26th so recheck your itinerary. While you plan to land in Palm Springs, your bags may wind up in Scranton. Ah, but do you need underwear anyway?
LIBRA Gay Libras strive for balance and harmony but with Sun in Taurus on the 21st and retro Mercury on the 26th, diplomacy takes a back seat. Mars and Jupiter beam your plaintive, albeit incorrect message to the universe. Who loves ya baby? You'll soon see.
SCORPIO Just when you are relegated to the corporate dungheap, Jupiter redirects on the 4th and plucks you from the pile. As Mercury retrogrades on the 26th, partners may become bored with endless tales of your prowess. Quit bragging and start shagging.
SAGITTARIUS Take a walk on the wilde side proud Archer. There is adventure around every corner. Explore a few nooks and crannies as Mars and Venus give you a megaphone for your mania. Party on party hound; you charm the entire pack. What a change of pace!
CAPRICORN Jupiter helps you refine your acrobatic skills. Lovers come by the dozens and that ain't bad! But beware retro Mercury on the 26th which has pink Caps spewing hot garlic breath on any fine romance. Actions speak louder and prouder than words anyway.
AQUARIUS Aqueerians make their mark as Mars and Venus pull you onto center stage. But refrain from gunning your motor mouth in front of relatives during retro Mercury. There is no reason to give them a piece of your mind when they relegate it to the closet.
PISCES April offers you better working conditions and extra oomph for your in-and-out box. Guppies increase their earnings with Venus and conquer hidden enemies with Mars. But don't brag; retro Mercury puts a large foot in your kisser after the 26th. Such a sight!