When I was very young, I think it was in Junior High School, I read a book which changed my life. It was called V by Thomas Pynchon. I know that Pynchon wrote some other books since then, one called Gravity's Rainbow which was widely acclaimed. I couldn't read it. I don't even know how I read V, it was so obscure and convoluted. But I liked the characters. They were quirky. They didn't fit in at all with society. And neither did I.
I especially remember Benny Profane, one of the characters in V. He said that "Life is the most precious thing you've got, because without it you'd be dead." Well at that time, I didn't get it. The alternative to life didn't seem so bad when you're an outcast from society.
For decades I worked hard to achieve something, although I didn't know what. Just something. Whatever I did, I did it to the extreme. I guess I was trying to prove that life really did have the significance that Benny Profane put on it.
Those of you who know me only from my activism in the LGBT community, or from reading my columns, may be surprised to learn that I have another life. I'm an inventor. Some in my position would call themselves a scientist, but I like inventor. I never really liked to read scientific journals or pore over minutiae. I just like to invent stuff.
I guess I kept hoping that something that I invented would change the world. If I changed the world, then Benny Profane would somehow be exonerated. I would have proved that life is indeed preferable to its absence. Well, after 20 or so patents, I realized that it ain't gonna happen. A Madame Curie I'm not.
I learned, however, that life isn't about changing the world. It is about changing yourself. It is about finding who you are, finding the courage to be who you are, and then just letting it happen. I started exploring inner space about nine years ago. First I had to deal with that mental fortress I had built over the years to shield myself from the truth. As much as I admired quirky characters in books, as much as they somehow gave me hope, I really didn't want to be one. So I just denied the fact that I was a woman and a transsexual lesbian, and have been all my life.
I fought myself for my whole life. I fought for acceptance of a gender which I was never part of. I fought with those who knew I didn't fit in. I fought the cruel words, "sissy," "faggot," and worse. I fought it till I couldn't fight any more. And then I broke through the fortress walls.
I have really surprised myself over the past few years. All that fighting, all that drive to change the world, all that rejection … it just made me stronger. I'm still fighting, but now it is focused on those who can change the world.
I am not going to fight those who still reject my identity. I know that there are those of you out there who still say to me, "You will never be a real woman." You know who you are.
All I can say to you is" "Why do you care so much about my identity? It is who I am. I don't question your identity."
All this energy, all this passion, all this life had been wasted, just like Benny Profane's life had been wasted … until now. Now I know that the world can change but no one can do it alone.
I thought of this as I went off to D.C. recently to lobby Congress for transgender inclusion. A hundred of us went from all over the country. I knew that we would be facing rejection at every turn. I knew that we would be looked on as outcasts, like the characters in V. Or freaks. Or "men in dresses." But I knew it was important to normalize the situation, dispel stereotype, bring us down to a human plane.
And in the end we walked away with more than 30 signatures from Congressmen and Senators who made the commitment not to discriminate on the basis of gender orientation ( or identity ) in their own offices.
It was a symbolic act for sure, but one which can only grow into a realization that gender rights are human rights, and they need protection.
One woman can change herself, but a hundred can change the world. In a small way, my life is making the world a lot better than those 20 patents did, or Benny Profane's alternative.
MirandaSt1@aol.com
