McHotty and O'Shitfaced are drunk in a Boystown bar at midnight. Here's their conversation:
O'Shitfaced: Hey, you're hot. Happy St. Patrick's Day. Woo-hoo!
McHotty: Thanks. You're shitfaced. Yeah, green stuff!
O'Shitfaced: I know. I love it. I love the holidays.
McHotty: Me too. Mardi Gras, Lent, St. Patrick's Day. I love it!
O'Shitfaced: Yeah. [burp]
McHotty: That was hot.
O'Shitfaced: Come here [He engages McHotty in a sloppy liplock, as if one of them was experiencing an epileptic fit of the tongue and the other had sudden facial paralysis.]
McHotty: That was so hot.
O'Shitfaced: Do you work in the morning?
McHotty: I'm unemployed.
O'Shitfaced: Me too.
McHotty: Awesome!
O'Shitfaced: I know. I mean it sucks, but I love it.
McHotty: Yeah. I hate being broke though. Let's do shots!
O'Shitfaced: Yeah!
McHotty and O'Shitfaced buy green Jell-o shots with McHotty's unemployment money, then slurp them in a way that can't possibly be considered attractive.
O'Shitfaced: Yeah, lime!
McHotty: I know, right?
O'Shitfaced: Oh crap, I totally forgot I'm not supposed to do Jell-o shots anymore.
McHotty: Why not? They're not fattening.
O'Shitfaced: No, I'm vegetarian. Gelatin is bad for you. Hey, you wanna go smoke?
McHotty: Let's dance first.
They proceed to the dance floor, where an over-extended remix of a Top 40 pop song sung by a straight girl being heavily marketed to gay men blares obnoxiously.
McHotty: Is this the new Gaga?
O'Shitfaced: I love her!
McHotty: I know, right? But she shouldn't try to be Kylie.
O'Shitfaced: And Florence and the Machine shouldn't try to be Gaga.
McHotty: And Kylie shouldn't try to be Adele.
O'Shitfaced: And Adele shouldn't try to be Florence.
McHotty: Or the Machine.
O'Shitfaced: I know.
McHotty: Right?
They blink a few times to process what they just said.
O'Shitfaced: So, are you here with friends?
McHotty: Yeah. Well, my ex. But we're just friends now.
O'Shitfaced: When did you break up?
McHotty: Like an hour ago. But we're cool now. It was awkward at first.
Over in the corner, McHotty's ex stares in brooding jealousy.
O'Shitfaced: It's all good. I came here with mine too.
McHotty: When did you guys break up?
O'Shitfaced: Two years ago.
McHotty: Do you still sleep in the same bed?
O'Shitfaced: Yeah. Just for now though.
McHotty: Gotcha.
O'Shitfaced: You're so hot!
McHotty: You too, stud!
O'Shitfaced: Happy New Year!
McHotty: It's St. Patrick's Day.
O'Shitfaced: Oh yeah, I get them confused.
McHotty: I know, right?
They continue dancing but lose each other five minutes later when one goes to the bathroom. Subsequently, McHotty and O'Shitfaced each run into another cute guyFitztrashy and McLost respectivelyand repeat the above conversation verbatim without even realizing it.
Homer can be reached at homermarrs@gmail.com .