Listen up, slave! And shut the fuck up. Good slave.
Now, Master brought you to American Girl Place for a reason. Master needs a Molly doll with matching raincoat for Master's niece's fifth birthday. We have to make an appearance at her party tomorrow before we hit IML. Go and get it, slave! That's an order.
Good slave. What? This ain't no matching raincoat, slave! This is a goddamn petticoat with accompanying muff. What the fuck is wrong with you, slave? You want your Master to tie you to the rack and whip your ass 'til you can't scream straight? Yeah, Master thought you'd like that. So he won't do it. Get him Molly's raincoat. It should be near her Christmas nightie, in the aisle past the doll café. Obey your Master!
That's a good slave. Now, we need to bring this home and get spruced up in time to meet Master Terry and Slave Leslie before the piss party at Jackhammer.
What, slave? You don't remember them? Of course slave remembers them! Master Terry and Slave Leslie are the ones we went to see "Twilight: New Moon" with when they were in town for the hair show.
What the fuck, slave?! Get it together. No more bruises for you 'til you take your omega-3 supplement.
Damn, slave. Master's gonna humiliate you so hard in front of all the hot leather men this weekend. Do you deserve it? DO YOU DESERVE IT?! No, damn right you don't. Herehold my fanny pack while I run to the men's room. I have to tinkle.
Sorry about that. Master might have to see the doctor again about changing his Avodart prescription.
Slave! What are you doing looking at the greeting cards? Master didn't tell you you could do that. Hold your breath until Master says you can breathe.
Hmm, oh this is a darling little card, isn't it? It's got Molly, Kirsten and Samantha all blowing out candles on a cake. "Happy birthday to a real American girl." Awwww. Yeah, I think Master's niece will like this. Good job, slave. You can breathe now.
OK, where do we pay in this place? So many cute little dresses to admire I can hardly find the register. Where the fuck is it, slave?! Find us the checkout counter or Master won't give you any cage time in the hotel dungeon!
Good slave. Oh, wow, this line is long. I hope we don't have to wait this long for drinks tonight. Slave, play Rock, Paper, Scissors with Master while he's in line! He's bored. 1, 2, 3, shoot!
Damn you, slave. You know Master always shoots paper first. Why the fuck did you shoot scissors?! You want to be handcuffed in the lobby tonight or not? Fuckin' slave.
Do it again. 1, 2, 3good slave. Now Master might give you some handcuffs time in public. OK, best of three. Master's gonna shoot rock both times so don't piss him off.
Man, they should really open a second register. Oh, look, they do gift wrapping! Perfect. That's okay then, that's worth the wait.
Slave, let's play 20 Questions. Master picks the person, slave guesses. Don't guess it right too soon or Master will ignore you, but don't play dumb either. Master hates when slave pretends like he doesn't know.
OK, I got one. Go. No. Yes. No. No. Sort of. Yes. Um... ask a different question. Yes. Yes, it's Miley Cyrus. Fuckin' slave! That was only eight guesses. What did Master tell you!?!? No electro in the isolation chamber for you this weekend.
Slave has been bad. Now, find Master's Discover card and pick out a pretty wrapping paper so we're ready when we get to the clerk. Then we can get the fuck home and get you into the gag and dog mask you don't even deserve to wear.
( Happy IML. )
Homer can be reached at email@example.com .