Windy City Media Group Frontpage News


home search facebook twitter join
Gay News Sponsor Windy City Times 2022-12-07



MARRS ATTACKS! by Homar Marrs
by Homar Marrs

This article shared 1721 times since Wed Mar 3, 2010
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email

Monday Morning,

Part 1

DOO-do-do-do-do-DO-do-DO … The obnoxious ring tone wakes me up. I glance at the clock on my nightstand: 8:15 a.m. Who the hell calls me at 8:15 a.m.? Obviously no one I know. I pick up my phone, silence it, and look at the caller ID: 405 area code. Must be a telemarketer. He leaves no message.

Getting ready for work, I remember that my cousin's area code is 405, and he lives in Oklahoma. It might've been him, but he usually leaves a voicemail, and the caller ID didn't say his name, like normal. I'm not too concerned, so I shrug it off and head for the office.

Two hours later my phone rings again, alerting the whole hive of cubicles. DOO-do-do-do-do-DO-do-DO … My cellmate Trina shoots me a glance. "Yes," I want to say, "I am that cool that I need the whole office to know I have a social life." It's not me she's mad at. The woman on the other side of our wall is almost never there to answer her phone, which explodes thrice daily into the chorus from "Poker Face."

It's the 405 number again, and this time I'm going to answer it. I silence the ringer and make for a neglected conference room. "Hello?"

"Homer?" His voice is mildly familiar. "It's Evan. I met you on Thursday night?"

Evan and I spent Thursday night having repeated drunken sex in his hotel room, and now he thinks I might not remember him. "Hey, Evan! How are you?"

"I'm okay," he replies simply. "I'm okay."

This is bad. For starters, Evan doesn't live in Chicago, and we shared what I understood to be a one-night encounter, your standard business trip sex: a relationship that usually ends when you leave the gentleman's hotel but sometimes lasts as long as until his flight home. Either way, the expiration had passed. Secondly, when someone says, "I'm okay" during meaningless pleasantries, it generally means mayday.

"How are you?" His voice is forced.

"Oh, I'm good," I start, then adlib with some boring details from my weekend, pretending I'm not getting more and more worried over why he might be calling.

"That's cool, that's cool," he echoes, then, "Is it possible to have gotten an STD from you?"

Yeowch. "Um, not that I know of. Why?"

"Well, um, I feel kind of funny and there's some inflammation around my... "

"Oh." I think back to Thursday night. It consisted of our having sex exactly three times, in which he was the top, twice using protection, once using nothing because I was a ) stupid, b ) drunk, and c ) self-destructive. The third, most risky interlope also lasted the longest, of course, giving any diseases ample time to make a new home in either one of us. "Well I don't have any symptoms," I say honestly. "I feel fine."

I don't tell him that it's been more than six months since my last STD screening, and I certainly don't mention that I probably did a thing or two in there that would warrant a new one. "Did you go to the doctor?"

"No. Listen, I can't talk right now. Can I call you later?"

"Sure," I agree, annoyed. Even people with healthy anxiety levels freak out a little when someone calls them, presents them with a problem they may have caused, and then hustles off the phone. "Can we talk tonight?"

"Yeah," he hurries. "I'll call you later. Goodbye."

I stare at the flashing call time: three minutes and forty-one seconds. In my five years of slutting around, this is actually the first time someone has presented me with the STD thing. When I consider the territory I've covered, I don't know if I should thank God or alert the editor of Modern Science. Diseases were something I used to fret over steadily, going to the doctor when I had virtually no reason to, but in the end it was always psychosomatic. I felt guilty about having so many one-night stands and told myself I deserved an STD of some kind, even when there wasn't one. I wonder if Evan is going through the same thing.

I certainly hope so, because the reality is I don't know this guy at all, and there are a lot of crazies out there. In my five years of slutting around, I've also managed to avoid any dangerous hangers-on. And while they might be rarer than herpes, there are no pills to keep them at bay. I could be in for a doozy.

I walk back to my desk. This is going to be a slow day.

Homer can be reached at

This article shared 1721 times since Wed Mar 3, 2010
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email


Gay News

ONYX Midwest forum tackles racist performance at Touche's anniversary party 2023-01-22
- In a response to the racist performance that took place at the leather, fetish and bear-focused Touche Chicago's 45th anniversary celebration on Nov. 1, 2022, ONYX Midwest hosted a community forum Jan. 21 at The Leather ...

Gay News

Touche Chicago's 45th-anniversary celebration marred by racist performance 2022-11-03
- Racist performance mires Touche Chicago's 45th anniversary celebration By Carrie Maxwell On Nov. 1, the leather, fetish and bear-focused Touche Chicago celebrated its 45th anniversary with a feature performance by ...

Gay News

Howard Brown Health's Big Orange Ball has 'Saturday Night Fever' theme 2022-10-27
- Howard Brown Health's Big Orange Ball was back in-person at Park West on Oct. 22—this time with a big (not orange) disco ball. About 300 people brought their Halloween spirit to the event, dressed in costumes ...

Gay News

'Martinis That Matter' to honor former TPAN CEO Jeff Berry on Oct. 30 2022-10-19
- Marty's Martini Bar, 1511 W. Balmoral Ave., presents "Martinis That Matter," a community giving-back program that funds community groups, charities and organizations. Profits from the sales during these events go to the organizations hosting. On Sunda ...

Gay News

'Barlesque' launches at Sidetrack 2022-09-03
- On Sept. 1 at Northalsted/Boystown nightspot Sidetrack, Barlesque kicked off. Nightlife figure Khloe Daniels hosted, introducing this year's bars, performers and choreographers. Barlesque brings Chicago nightlife superstars, local bars and ...

Gay News

TPAN bringing back 'Barlesque' starting Sept. 1 2022-08-25
- Barlesque is back. On Thursday, Sept. 1, at 7 p.m. at Northalsted/Boystown nightspot Sidetrack, 3349 N. Halsted St., Barlesque will kick off. Nightlife figure Khloe Daniels will host introduce this year's bars, performers and choreographers. Attendanc ...

Gay News

Touche holds fundraiser for Windy City Times 2022-07-12
- Leather bar Touche, 6412 N. Clark St., held its regular Friday fundraiser on July 8—and the fortunate recipient this time was Windy City Times. Approximately $200 were raised during this benefit raffle. Touche has been a ...

Gay News

Pride Journey: Iceland 2022-03-21
- The only way to describe Iceland is ... magical. It truly is. Iceland is like no other place I've visited in the world. It's topography, climate, people, culture, history, and nightlife blended together make Iceland a ...

Gay News

PASSAGES Jeffrey Wayne ("Jef") Morgan 2022-01-11
- Jeffrey Wayne "Jef" Morgan, of Chicago's West Rogers Park neighborhood, passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack while shoveling snow on Jan. 2. He was 58. Jef was the well-loved manager at Little Jim's on ...

Gay News

'Andersonville Homecoming' Sept. 24-26; line-up, vendors, safety protocols announced 2021-09-15
--From a press release - CHICAGO (Sept. 15, 2021) The Andersonville Chamber of Commerce (ACC) is pleased to announce the full entertainment line-up and vendors for Andersonville Homecoming--a three-night, two-day outdoor festival featuring ...

Gay News

Next OUTspoken show Sept. 7 2021-08-24
- An OUTspoken Storytelling Night taking place Tuesday, Sept. 7, will offer tales told by six people who will relate their stories of fun and fortune from a LGBTQ+ perspective. The entertainment will start at 7 p.m. ...

Gay News

Taste of River North cancelled 2021-07-29
- On July 29, the River North Residents Association, along with theMART and Duff Entertainment, announced the cancellation of the 2021 edition of Taste of River North. The event was slated to take place Aug. 20-21 at ...

Gay News

OUTspoken storytelling to host six takes from LGBTQ+ perspective 2021-07-26
--From a press release - The month of August is hot - but OUTspoken at the Sidetrack will be even hotter on Aug. 3 when six storytellers will tell tales of fun and fortune from a LGBTQ+ perspective! The program will start at 7:00 pm at ...

Gay News

LGBTQIA+ tavern to open in Uptown this fall 2021-07-14
- 2Bears Tavern Group—which owns and operates Andersonville's The SoFo Tap and Meeting House Tavern as well as Rogers Park's Jackhammer—is opening 2Bears Tavern Uptown in the former Nick's on Wilson space at 1140 W. Wilson Ave. ...

Gay News

Pride Parade coordinator provides latest on the 'likely scenario' for event 2021-05-08
- Tim Frye, the coordinator of the 2021 Pride Parade, told Windy City Times that the assessment of this year's event has not changed over the last few weeks. The official statement/assessment at this point is: "We ...


Copyright © 2023 Windy City Media Group. All rights reserved.
Reprint by permission only. PDFs for back issues are downloadable from
our online archives. Single copies of back issues in print form are
available for $4 per issue, older than one month for $6 if available,
by check to the mailing address listed below.

Return postage must accompany all manuscripts, drawings, and
photographs submitted if they are to be returned, and no
responsibility may be assumed for unsolicited materials.
All rights to letters, art and photos sent to Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago
Gay and Lesbian News and Feature Publication) will be treated
as unconditionally assigned for publication purposes and as such,
subject to editing and comment. The opinions expressed by the
columnists, cartoonists, letter writers, and commentators are
their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay,
Lesbian, Bisexual and Transegender News and Feature Publication).

The appearance of a name, image or photo of a person or group in
Nightspots (Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times
(a Chicago Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender News and Feature
Publication) does not indicate the sexual orientation of such
individuals or groups. While we encourage readers to support the
advertisers who make this newspaper possible, Nightspots (Chicago
GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay, Lesbian
News and Feature Publication) cannot accept responsibility for
any advertising claims or promotions.






About WCMG      Contact Us      Online Front  Page      Windy City  Times      Nightspots
Identity      BLACKlines      En La Vida      Archives      Advanced Search     
Windy City Queercast      Queercast Archives     
Press  Releases      Join WCMG  Email List      Email Blast      Blogs     
Upcoming Events      Todays Events      Ongoing Events      Bar Guide      Community Groups      In Memoriam     
Privacy Policy     

Windy City Media Group publishes Windy City Times,
The Bi-Weekly Voice of the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Trans Community.
5315 N. Clark St. #192, Chicago, IL 60640-2113 • PH (773) 871-7610 • FAX (773) 871-7609.