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Gay News Sponsor Windy City Times 2022-12-07



MARRS ATTACKS I'm Up on This Damn Float!
(reprinted from June, 2010)
by Homer Marrs

This article shared 2166 times since Wed Jun 20, 2012
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Rah, rah, oh la-la-a!

Hey girl, ha-ay! Can you see me? I'm up on this damn float!

Want your bad ro-mance!

That's right, bitches. I'm up here in my skinny-tight tighty whites. You wish you had this body! Hello, Mr. Sun! I'm rollin' on so much E right now.

Gay Pride!

I'm one of 13 honored hot bods bumpin' and grindin' in the name of Pride on this charity float. You may think it's easy to do, but I just make it look easy. It takes a lot of concentration, energy and cheerfulness to throw beads at people. 'Cause we're not just throwing beads. We're advancing the cause.

Equality for all! OMG I think I hit that cop.

We put a lot of thought into our costumes today. Pride's not just some rag-tag affair you just show up in your PJs for. (No offense to that float full of muscle studs in pajama pants. It's okay to wear 'em if you're on a float and they're two sizes too small. And you're not wearing a shirt.)

After much deliberation, our float came to the calculated decision to wear white square-cut boxer-briefs and your choice of hot black sunglasses or hot tranny mess face paint. Because this is isn't about looking good, it's about being united to spread the message. The message that it's okay to be gay, to be skinny, and to be drunk like a 19-year-old who found some Purple Passion when it's only noon and you have to work a double tomorrow. Anyone who says otherwise can SUCK IT!!! Woo-hoo! My dick.

Shake your groove thang, shake your groove thang, yeah yeah!

Pride is my favorite day of the year, after Halloween, the Oscars and my birthday. I like holidays that are about giving—beads, candy, awards for Best Foreign Film, and cupcakes laced with my girl Cyndy's Special K. What?! Oh yes I did.

Damn, I need some water. It's dehydratin' up in here. OK?

Ooh, that lesbian looks nasty. She must be from the 'burbs. Lord knows the one thing more dangerous at Pride than a swarm of Evangelist bees is a pack of mullet-cut lesbians in lawn chairs from Aurora.

"Have some o' my beads, Aurora!"

She thinks I think her name is Aurora. Dumb dyke.

Love everybody! Gay Pride! Woo-hoo!

Boom, boom, pow!

Holy shit, it's the gigantic Jewel cart! I'm all about the gigantic Jewel cart. It looks just like a regular shopping cart, but it's gigantic. Woo-hoo! Gay rights!

Nothing says "support gay rights" like a shopping cart 400 times its size. I just hope some of them backwater Republican Nazis can see this on TV tonight. Republicans are so repulsive.

Look at my nipples, bitches!

Stop calling, stop calling, I don't want to think anymore.

Speaking of think, I think I'm running low on beads. That's good, though—means we're doing our best to advance equal rights, and it means we're getting close to the end of the line and COCKTAIL TIME! Holla! What's that, mister sexy-ass bartender? Yes, I do think I'll have a triple. If I can still remember my name by the time I leave here, I haven't properly shown how proud I am to be gay.

It's all about loving who you are, showering everyone around you with appreciation, and respecting yourself and the community. 'Cause if we don't have our respect, what do we have?

Damn, there's that lonely looking rich daddy I think I slept with that one time. I wonder if I can get him to buy my drinks again.

"Hey, handsome, you want some beads?"

Gay Pride!

Homer can be reached at .

This article shared 2166 times since Wed Jun 20, 2012
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