Can we make a Valentine's Day resolution to be a little more honest when we meet each other? If nothing else it will make our love lives more entertaining. Instead of "Do I know you from Grindr" and "Are you a top or a bottom," here are some conversation starters that could save a lot of guys a lot of time:
1. I find you sexually attractive. Can you talk for a little while so I can see if that changes?
2. My boyfriend and I recently broke up and you look exactly like him. May I project all his qualities onto you and then dump you in a few weeks when I realize you're not him, implying that the breakup is somehow your fault?
3. Hi there, sad and lonely. I'm way out of your league. I'm sure you see this and will put me on a pedestal to keep me by your side, which my weak ego desperately needs. Care to buy me a drink?
4. You look sheepish. I'm sheepish myself. Let's stand against the wall and feel awkward together.
5. My partner and I have degenerated into roommates. We'd like a third for the night so we can each pretend we're having sex with you individually while still preserving the façade of our relationship. Are you game?
6. Hey, newbie. Everyone at this bar gave up on me long ago, but you've never been here before so statistically speaking I have a chance. What's your name?
7. Hi there, beautiful. I saw you and thought, "He looks like just the sorta sap who will actually believe the sick, subtle ways I will blame him for my own flaws. Might be from a broken home or something." Here, drink this beer.
8. I'm on tons of drugs. Are you on tons of drugs? I need to hook up with someone else who's on tons of drugs so I can perpetuate this myth I believe that it's okay to be on tons of drugs.
9. The moment I laid eyes on you I knew you were materialistic enough to be won over by my expensive clothes and fat-cat mannerisms, but naïve enough not to probe me for more substantive attributes, which I don't have. Let daddy buy you a cocktail.
10. I'm just like all the rest, buddy. Do yourself a favor: Enjoy what you can right now and then run the fuck for your life.
Homer can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org .