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Literary: I Do I Don't: Gay & Lesbian Unions
by Andrew Davis
2004-12-08

This article shared 3768 times since Wed Dec 8, 2004
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Voters' rejections of gay marriage have thankfully not stopped the continued emergence of books on the subject. I Do I Don't is a collection of perspectives on the topic and features thoughts from contributors ranging from performance artist Tim Miller to activist Keith Boykin to comic Margaret Cho.

Two other writers who share their thoughts are Rick Reed, a prolific author in his own right who also reviews theatrical productions for Windy City Times, and his son, Nicholas, a college student. The Reeds collaborate on a chapter in which each writes a letter to the other.

Windy City Times recently talked with Rick and Nicholas about their missives. Although the interviews occurred separately, it was immediately apparent that they shared two qualities: love and honesty.

Windy City Times: You've had published [ horror-themed ] works like Kiss of Death and Dante's Disciples. Why did you make the switch to I Do I Don't?

Rick Reed: I did a reading with the editors of I Do I Don't [ Greg Wharton and Ian Philips ] in a bookstore a couple of years ago and I knew one of the editors when he lived in Chicago. We both write for a Web site called Blue Food ( www.bluefood.cc ) ; the editor of that site introduced us to each other. Then, the book editor bought one of my stories for an anthology. He then got married in San Francisco and wanted to put together this big book of stories, rants, and other writings about different opinions concerning gay marriage. I thought that it'd be a good idea for my son, who's gay, and [ me ] to write a piece—and the editors loved the idea.

Someone who read the piece said that [ the chapter ] showed a side of me he hadn't seen. He said that he's used to [ me being ] dark and sarcastic. People who have read this piece said that it was touching and poignant; they even said that it made them cry.

WCT: Why did you and your son decide to write letters to each other?

RR: It was my idea. I thought it would be good if we wrote something to each other. I wanted to write why gay marriage would be good and my hopes for him as a young gay man. I wanted him to write something to me about why he thought gay marriage would be a good thing for me ( as an older gay man ) . I wrote my letter first and gave it to him; he really opened up and shared some very personal things.

WCT: In your letter, you write about your initial reaction upon finding out that your son is gay. Have your perceptions changed since then?

RR: Well, initially I was surprised; I had no idea. Also, I was disappointed—and it surprised me that I would feel that way.

WCT: That almost sounds like something a heterosexual parent would say.

RR: Yeah, but I guess there are certain commonalities all parents have—and when you have a certain view about your child that's radically changed by news, it takes some getting used to. I'm fine with it now.

WCT: It seems like this commonality would be a bit surprising.

RR: [ Pauses. ] Yeah. I mean, we have a great relationship and I've always been open with him. The news took a little adjusting—but sharing things has made us closer. I know that he's much more comfortable with his sexuality than I was when I was 20; I was completely in the closet. I got married and was so for seven years.

WCT: Reading your letter, I discovered that it has a lot of honesty and hope.

RR: I would like to see a future for Nick in which he could marry someone if he wanted. A couple years ago, [ the idea of gay marriage ] would've been inconceivable but we've moved quite a bit even though we have some [ distance ] to go. People are getting married in Massachusetts, so it gives me some hope that things will change for us. We might not have marriage, but we might have something a little closer to what straight couples have. ( Note: In retrospect, after Nov. 2, I'm a lot less optimistic about the future of gay marriage. )

WCT: Now, I found your son's letter hard to read. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you when you first read it.

RR: Oh, it's still difficult to read. I can't read it without crying—and right now I'm getting choked up just thinking about it. He went through some really painful times that I feel responsible for. I had no choice about how things turned out.

WCT: If you had known about how painful things would be for him, would you have done anything differently?

RR: No. By the time my marriage ended, there were no choices. I had fought against who I was for so long that I had to lay down my shield and sword and give in to it. I wouldn't have been able to go on living. In spite of hurting others, I don't think there's much choice—and I don't know if he would be a better person if I had done things differently and stayed in the closet. I think that would've been more fucked up.

WCT: He seems to be all the more resilient, actually. You know the saying: 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.'

RR: Yes. Now he's very accepting of himself and he's very open-minded—and a lot of things are due to what he went through. We've had long discussions about many things that I wouldn't have talked with my father about. He's very open with me about many things—sometimes more than I want to hear. [ Laughs. ]

WCT: What was growing up like for you?

RR: I grew up in a really small town in eastern Ohio. As for being gay, I just shoved that down deep down. I didn't have any role models; the only gay person I knew in town was my mom's hairdresser. I was a withdrawn, lonely child who read and wrote a lot.

WCT: What do you hope people get from this chapter?

RR: I hope that people get, especially from Nick's piece, that there are all kinds of families and that they're all valid. There's this spirit of connectedness. I also hope that, by personalizing the issue of gay marriage, people see that it's all just about loving each other and wanting to be a family.

_____

Windy City Times: Nick, how difficult was it to write your piece?

Nicholas Reed: Actually, it was pretty easy. It's been something that I've thought about a lot so I've spent years piecing together everything that happened. So, when I sat down to write it, it only took about 45 minutes.

WCT: Was it a cathartic experience?

NR: Oh yeah. It was a great experience. I loved hearing those things from my dad; it was very touching. He was so candid.

WCT: He mentioned how touched he was about your letter. He felt a little guilty ...

NR: I don't consider anything to be his fault at all; I understand where he was coming from. A lot of people made it unpleasant because they felt like it. I hold them accountable, not him.

WCT: Do you feel like things are easier for you in some ways than they are for him?

NR: Obviously, we've had pretty different experiences. I've had some advantages and he's had some. Growing up in more enlightened times has made things easier for me, but he didn't have to deal with things so publicly.

WCT: How did you feel when you read your dad's letter?

NR: It was a mixed reaction at first. I'm glad to know what he thought but it hurt a little to find out that he was disappointed. I'm not hurt anymore, though—and I do understand why he was disappointed and I know that he's gotten over it.

WCT: How do you think you'd react if your son told you he was gay?

NR: Oh, it wouldn't bother me at all. I wouldn't be disappointed.

WCT: What do you want people to get from your letter?

NR: Personal beliefs can hurt others—and people don't even realize that. People need to consider what they believe; they don't hold themselves accountable.

I'm sure that the people who are pushing for the Federal Marriage Amendment feel that they're doing the right thing; however, they need to consider how they're affecting people in the real world and how it's not just some silly aesthetic of gender balance in their minds.

WCT: Have you read other pieces in I Do I Don't?

NR: I've read some and have been very impressed. I especially liked Margaret Cho's piece; it was very bold and honest.

I Do I Don't is available at most bookstores and through Suspect Thoughts Press ( www.suspectthoughtspress.com ) .


This article shared 3768 times since Wed Dec 8, 2004
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