Steph, who's an expert in this, had been saying I should go for weeks. But of course I didn't want to go on my own. I wouldn't know what to say, how to ask for it. And then they'd inquire about specifics and I'd look really silly not even using the appropriate vocabulary. It's one of those things you just can't fake. If you've never had one on your back and in your mouth, well, let's just say it makes it hard to determine what size best suits you.
But this was Pride weekend so we had to do something outside of our routine. Anything but another parade, please! Promising two days of naturally liberating fun she finally convinced me to come along with her, adding there was a special bra she wanted to get for herself. The place was huge. It's amazing the number of people, men and women alike, who are into that stuff. I am more the type who will listen in awe to others recounting their own courageous exploits. It always seems a little too wet and dirty to me… too much heavy breathing and sweating, not enough time to rest…
Steph walked right up to the counter. It was covered with pictures of all sorts of bodies wearing different extreme get-ups, most with multiple straps. I think I spotted a woman tied up in some ropes and a guy right above her head, just hanging. A flash of dizziness hit me and I felt damp at my temples. This was not for me; I knew I shouldn't have come… 'OK, let's see what we can do for your friend,' the guy told her, looking me over with a grin. I hadn't paid attention to how she had explained my 'needs', but I could tell he was relishing the thought of initiating yet another novice. He said to see Nick and gestured toward a short but very buff man in a tight yellow t-shirt. 'Come on!' Steph prompted as I stood there frozen, my eyes fixed on a rack of menacing black rubber suits.
'Hello ladies, how may I be of service?' the keen-looking Nick asked with a velvety tone. I let Steph talk. 'No problem, I'm sure we can find you a good little model,' he promised. Great I thought, he's already decided I'm going to prefer small. He began by asking for my weight and how much I usually drink in a day. When I said I didn't know, the equivalent of a couple of pints, maybe, he seemed disappointed. 'A woman your size should definitely drink more, otherwise once you get into it you won't have any fun. Drinking is the key to endless enjoyment,' he said as he turned around to shake hands with a guy in purple spandex. 'Yes, I could use a good gin & tonic right about now,' I whispered to Steph. 'Stop being so stiff,' she quipped as Nick's friend was waving his goodbyes and sprinting up to the next floor. 'Sorry about that, now where were we… ah yes, I'll need to take some biometrics if you don't mind,' he announced. Before I could utter a word, he pulled out a measuring tape from one of his back pockets and encircled me with it, hands steady as numbers glided through his fingers. I was about to object when his thumbs came up in front of my chest, but he quickly retracted them giving my attributes an enthusiastic 'standard' rating. 'What am I being fitted for anyway?' I asked, growing slightly annoyed at all the fretting. Steph beamed me a reproachful glare as if to warn me not to break the mood of this thoroughly entertaining exchange. Keeping his bouncy disposition, Nick said he'd be right back with a few options for me to choose from.
'Listen, does this have to be such a project?' I pleaded desperately. 'Can't I just go as I am? Who cares about all this paraphernalia, anyway? I thought it was about who you're with, how far you can go…' My whining was cut short by Nick's cheerful return, arms laden with a heap of painful-looking contraptions. 'Here we are, one of these is certain to fit,' he declared as he dropped everything on the floor. 'Let's try on the red one first,' he suggested. Steph reached for it. I couldn't even make out which bits were part of the red one. They all seemed to have plenty of see-through mesh panels and there were so many black straps intertwined together that the pile looked like a giant spider. I tried not to stare at the curves of rubber tubing.
Steph helped me into the first of the devices while Nick went to get some cleaning accessories he said I would need. 'Don't want to leave it all wet in between uses,' he instructed, 'otherwise it gets moldy and you can really taste it.' I gave them a nervous smile.
By the time he got back we were on our third model and Steph was showing me how to insert the thing in my mouth so as to be comfortable sucking, whatever position I should find myself in. 'Expect it to be warm at first,' she warned. Ignoring my disgusted look, she continued: 'Now, I know it's counter-intuitive, but you'll have to bite into it as you suck in the fluid,' she explained. I could feel myself blushing as Nick looked on. 'Don't worry,' he said, 'it's piss-easy once you get the technique down.' I thought I was going to faint.
After minor adjustments and a quick lesson on rinsing and hanging, Steph picked out a black bra and we headed for the cash. 'Just make the check out to Sports & Mountain Store,' the guy at the counter said. 'Come again soon!' In the end, we never made it to the trails. We filled the thing with beer and went to the parade.
Marie-Jo Proulx is a freelance writer who has lived in Chicago almost three years, and has also lived and worked in Montreal, Canada, and Manchester, England.
