"Comedy's Lovable Queen of Mean" is coming to Illinois once again, and Windy City Times has the scoop on what makes this comedienne tick, including her gay best friend. [ Note: If you are easily offended, then this interview might not be for you. ]
Windy City Times: Hi, Lisa.
Lisa Lampanelli: Hi, homo! How's your cornholer? If you are not old enough to get that reference, then fuck you.
WCT: Of course I do. we are around the same age.
Lisa Lampanelli: Oh? How you doing, dirty faggot?
WCT: I get all your jokes. I have been reading your book Chocolate, Please.
Lisa Lampanelli: Good, there ya go. So what's happening at the Windy City Times faggot newspaper?
WCT: It's freezing here in the Windy City!
Lisa Lampanelli: Are you freezing your cunt off? I know exactly how you feel.
WCT: You are in New York?
Lisa Lampanelli: Yes, I feel your pain.
WCT: So we have to get the gays to travel out Aurora, Ill., to see you.
Lisa Lampanelli: See that's what I love, playing these Wheatons and Weekaugans and shit. All the fags come out and it scares all the people in the suburban towns.
WCT: Well, I told my friends that it is a hike out there but they are all up for going.
Lisa Lampanelli: Oh yeah, tell them to all pile in a van and have some dirty anal in the back.
WCT: Perfect!
Lisa Lampanelli: As if they won't…
WCT: I read that you studied journalism in school.
Lisa Lampanelli: Yes, so I know how to work you people.
WCT: What made you start on a stand-up act?
Lisa Lampanelli: I guess it was something that I knew I should be doing but I didn't have the balls to try it. So I hit 30 and was like you know what? Let me try this. I am sick of earning 12 grand a year editing other people's crap. I was interviewing heavy metal bands in the eighties. Thank god it worked because what else would I really do? Where else can you say "cunt" for a living and they give you a lot of money? I don't know any human resource department who would like that.
WCT: You have done a lot of celebrity roasts. Would you want one done to you?
Lisa Lampanelli: Yeah; it is the biggest honor in the world to be the actual subject of a roast because that means people like you enough. The dirty Jews over there at Comedy Central only do it if there is money in it for them and ratings. So it would mean that I am wildly popular, pretty and skinny.
WCT: Have you ever felt that a joke has gone too far?
Lisa Lampanelli: I don't think so because I am self aware enough. I am 48 years old. I am not stupid. I know that if I am calling someone something and they look a little uncomfortable, you jump off it. You don't push farther because they paid to see you. Half the beauty of seeing Rickles or somebody is that you want to be made fun of because the person doing it doesn't mean it. If it seems like someone is insecure about whatever you are making fun of then I just kind of move on. It is no fun if the person is not into it.
WCT: I can see that.
Lisa Lampanelli: That's why the gays are so good, because you hate yourselves just as much as the rest of us hate you. Hey, profound self-hate translates to insult comedy equals money in the bank for LL.
WCT: And we keep coming back for more!
Lisa Lampanelli: You know, it's great. I don't know what it is about the dirty anal and my comedy but it somehow works.
WCT: Your best friend is gay, correct?
Lisa Lampanelli: Uh yeah, that creepy queen. He also does my hair extensions and I must tell you that the homos—I know it is a stereotype, but you girls are the best. I would never let a straight bitch touch my hair again unless it's a simple blowout. If you want fabulous extensions then you better go the cornhole route.
WCT: It works for Oprah too, so heyyy.
Lisa Lampanelli: Oh my god, I know look at her. She's glamming it up.
WCT: She is surrounded by gays.
Lisa Lampanelli: I know. Did you see that makeup artist of hers? He could lose some weight. What's his name—Reggie?
WCT: Yes, I know him. He ate at Weber Grill all the time when I worked there. He likes his bacon extra-crispy.
Lisa Lampanelli: That sounds like a sexual innuendo but I understand fully.
WCT: What is the story behind your style and wardrobe?
Lisa Lampanelli: I was doing an audition for a commercial during the day—this was years ago—that was conservative. I didn't have any time to go home and change. I had to be on stage for an urban show, which means the Blacks. I noticed that it was funnier to do my type of comedy with a really conservative look. People were more surprised or whatever. So I know I can wear whatever I want because people know what I am about. Back then it kind of evolved that way and it was fun. I love the skirts and a belt can do an awful lot for a chubby waistline, is all I am saying. Chubby girls shy away from the belt—suck it in, bitches! Wear some Spanx. Spanx are the fat woman's combover.
WCT: They have a new thermal shirt now for men that will suck in the belly like a girdle.
Lisa Lampanelli: I love it!
WCT: I really like your book Chocolate, Please. I think it gives a side to you that people don't see.
Lisa Lampanelli: I know. I said if you are ever going to do it then do it fully. Why half-ass it and do some dumb book that were recycled stories that were not good enough for the stage? I hated it when comics would do that. Me and Kathy Griffin and people even like, what's her name? Oh, that cunt who got molested by her father … Mackenzie Phillips. If you are not going to tell the truth then why even bother doing the book? It's not even worth it. So I put it all out there. I don't hold anything back.
WCT: What comedians do you look up to?
Lisa Lampanelli: Obviously I love Rickles and Howard Stern. I don't really go to see anybody because, quite frankly, I don't want to take all the attention. Come on, the minute you know Lisa Lampanelli is the audience are you really going to listen to Nick Dipaolo? I actually went to see him the other night because I like edgy comedy and people that take chances. I don't like safe comedy at all. That's why I like Kathy Griffin too, because she names names and she doesn't give a fuck. Anyone that doesn't give a fuck is my kind of person.
WCT: Would you ever do online dating again?
Lisa Lampanelli: You know I am engaged, right?
WCT: No, I didn't know that.
Lisa Lampanelli: Oh, yeah. I got engaged this past August and we are getting married Oct. 2 of this year.
WCT: Congratulations!
Lisa Lampanelli: To a white guy named Jimmy Big Balls. He's named that because he has huge nuts. He's really cool, a big wop. I guess it was just meant to be. My shrink told me that I was a racist because I just dated the Blacks so I gave whitey a chance and it worked out.
WCT: So your family is happy now?
Lisa Lampanelli: Oh yeah, it is like little Lisa, happy at last. I get to be back in the will because he is white.
WCT: It sounds like everything is going great for you.
Lisa Lampanelli: You know what? I can't complain. I am a big complainy bitch sometimes, like, "Oh my God, my nine-and-a-half-carat diamond earrings hurt when I sleep." Then you know it's time to do some volunteer work, nothing like seeing a kid with cancer telling you that your diamonds aren't that fucking special. Just when I get to the point of volunteering, though, I decide to watch Oprah instead.
WCT: Well, I look forward to meeting you face to face at the show.
Lisa Lampanelli: Of course. Come have a drink with me. Whateva, faggot!
Follow Lisa's advice: Hop in a van and head over to her Feb. 18 show, which will take place at 7:30 p.m. at the Paramount Theatre, 23 E. Galena, Aurora. Visit www.paramountaurora.com or www.livenation.com .
