Welcome to the seventh
lesson of Lesbian 101. This
lesson, and each subsequent
one, will be posted at
http://www.jenniferparello.
com/les101.html .
Last night I TIVO'd ( is that
now a verb? ) the remake of
the classic 1970s made-for-
TV movie 'Sybil.' I confess
this without embarrassment
or apology. The
original 'Sybil,' the immortal
multiple-personality tale starring
Sally Field and Joanne
Woodward, was one of the
best TV movies ever made,
second only to 'Joan and
Melissa Rivers: Behind the
Tears and Laughter.'
This morning, as I watched
Sybil struggle to gain control
of her many personas it
reminded me to talk to you
about first dates.
A first date is a time when
everyone is on their best behavior.
We take great pains
to hide the character flaws
that will pop to the surface
like dead, bloated bodies
by the sixth date. If you can
manage to stop batting your
eyes and focus, however,
you can easily identify early
warning signs before you get
sucked into the riptide of a
troubled relationship. Below
is a simple checklist of things
to look out for on a first date.
1. How well-pressed are
her clothes?
Your date should be
well-groomed, but slightly
rumpled. An inattention
to detail bodes well in the
boudoir. This is the type of
personality that's not afraid
to get their hair mussed or
hands dirty ( wink, wink ) . If
your date is expertly creased
and smells distinctly of Tide
and dry cleaning solution,
run for the hills. Please note,
though, there's a difference
between disheveled and
dirty. Your date should be
freshly showered and free
of body odor. I suggest you
make a quick check of the
condition of her socks. If
she's wearing clean socks,
chances are she's also
wearing clean underwear.
2. How does she treat the
waiter?
I'm assuming that you
are on a proper first date,
which includes dinner at a
restaurant with table service.
I know that some of you
kids consider 'hooking up'
a first date, but in my day
getting drunk and landing
into bed with a stranger was
called a 'mistake' and not
a 'date.' Okay, so you're at
a restaurant and the waiter
is a bit slow in getting you
your food. Does she: a. )
yell across the room that he
should 'hurry his pansy-ass
up!' ; b. ) make the best of
the situation by asking the
diners at a neighboring table
if you can nibble on their
leftovers; c. ) passively wait
for you to take action; d. )
complain bitterly about the
service but clap her hands
merrily and thank the bad
waiter profusely when the
food finally arrives; e. ) ignore
the delay and her growling
stomach and focus her full
attention on you. You probably
think that the healthiest
response is e. But I think it's
a sign of a stalking/obsessive
personality. Answer d.
is your best bet. This is a
person who loves food ( and,
thus, has a healthy appetite
for other things—wink, wink,
again ) and yet knows the importance
of letting bygones
be bygones.
3. How is the bill settled?
Does she a. ) pull the waiter
aside during the meal and
whisper that he should present
the bill to her at the end
of the evening; b. ) avoid eye
contact when the bill lands
at the table and not say a
word as you reach for it; c. )
take out a calculator and tote
up her share of the meal; d. )
suggest you split it down the
middle; e. ) reach for it at the
same time you do, making
comic grunting noises as she
attempts to wrestle it away
from you? Needless to say,
I'm going to recommend that
you go for any option that
includes the word 'wrestle.'
Hey, I wrote a book! You can
buy Dateland at Women and
Children First, Unabridged
Books and at Amazon.com .
