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Lesbian 101—Red flags on first dates
by Jennifer Parello

This article shared 4361 times since Wed Jun 18, 2008
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Welcome to the seventh

lesson of Lesbian 101. This

lesson, and each subsequent

one, will be posted at



Last night I TIVO'd ( is that

now a verb? ) the remake of

the classic 1970s made-for-

TV movie 'Sybil.' I confess

this without embarrassment

or apology. The

original 'Sybil,' the immortal

multiple-personality tale starring

Sally Field and Joanne

Woodward, was one of the

best TV movies ever made,

second only to 'Joan and

Melissa Rivers: Behind the

Tears and Laughter.'

This morning, as I watched

Sybil struggle to gain control

of her many personas it

reminded me to talk to you

about first dates.

A first date is a time when

everyone is on their best behavior.

We take great pains

to hide the character flaws

that will pop to the surface

like dead, bloated bodies

by the sixth date. If you can

manage to stop batting your

eyes and focus, however,

you can easily identify early

warning signs before you get

sucked into the riptide of a

troubled relationship. Below

is a simple checklist of things

to look out for on a first date.

1. How well-pressed are

her clothes?

Your date should be

well-groomed, but slightly

rumpled. An inattention

to detail bodes well in the

boudoir. This is the type of

personality that's not afraid

to get their hair mussed or

hands dirty ( wink, wink ) . If

your date is expertly creased

and smells distinctly of Tide

and dry cleaning solution,

run for the hills. Please note,

though, there's a difference

between disheveled and

dirty. Your date should be

freshly showered and free

of body odor. I suggest you

make a quick check of the

condition of her socks. If

she's wearing clean socks,

chances are she's also

wearing clean underwear.

2. How does she treat the


I'm assuming that you

are on a proper first date,

which includes dinner at a

restaurant with table service.

I know that some of you

kids consider 'hooking up'

a first date, but in my day

getting drunk and landing

into bed with a stranger was

called a 'mistake' and not

a 'date.' Okay, so you're at

a restaurant and the waiter

is a bit slow in getting you

your food. Does she: a. )

yell across the room that he

should 'hurry his pansy-ass

up!' ; b. ) make the best of

the situation by asking the

diners at a neighboring table

if you can nibble on their

leftovers; c. ) passively wait

for you to take action; d. )

complain bitterly about the

service but clap her hands

merrily and thank the bad

waiter profusely when the

food finally arrives; e. ) ignore

the delay and her growling

stomach and focus her full

attention on you. You probably

think that the healthiest

response is e. But I think it's

a sign of a stalking/obsessive

personality. Answer d.

is your best bet. This is a

person who loves food ( and,

thus, has a healthy appetite

for other things—wink, wink,

again ) and yet knows the importance

of letting bygones

be bygones.

3. How is the bill settled?

Does she a. ) pull the waiter

aside during the meal and

whisper that he should present

the bill to her at the end

of the evening; b. ) avoid eye

contact when the bill lands

at the table and not say a

word as you reach for it; c. )

take out a calculator and tote

up her share of the meal; d. )

suggest you split it down the

middle; e. ) reach for it at the

same time you do, making

comic grunting noises as she

attempts to wrestle it away

from you? Needless to say,

I'm going to recommend that

you go for any option that

includes the word 'wrestle.'

Hey, I wrote a book! You can

buy Dateland at Women and

Children First, Unabridged

Books and at .

This article shared 4361 times since Wed Jun 18, 2008
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