PicturedThe many faces ( and more ) of Kathy Griffin.
'My ass crack can be a real geyser,' admits 'D-List' darling Kathy Griffin. 'We need a spokesperson for butt-crack sweat—I don't know why Pfizer hasn't contacted me for an endorsement or something,' she says, cracking herself up with the visual of 'Kathy Griffin: D-List celebrity' hocking butt-crack sweat pads on national television. 'But hey, when I get nervous, my back side sweats. What are you gonna do?'
What could possibly make the seemingly self-possessed Griffin nervous? Pitch meetings with Frasier's Kelsey Grammer, for starters. She spills the dirt on those meetings, as well as memorable moments from Brooke Shields' wedding and her on-air feud The View's Barbara Walters in her new DVD concert, Kathy Griffin—Allegedly.
Griffin, calling from her new home in the Hollywood Hills ( it has a moat! ) , says the new DVD is '100% new material that was too hot for Bravo and HBO.'
'First, let me say that it's ALL true,' she says, speaking in that trademark conspiratorial, we're-all-in-this-together tone that makes audiences feel as if they know her. 'The DVD is made up of celebrity stories based on my own experiences; not just what I HEAR, like 'I hear Gwyneth Paltrow is a self-absorbed bitch or whatever.' No. The DVD is more like, 'I really have met her and she really IS like that and … this is what happened!''
'I can't find the DVD in stores, and I'd like to think it's because everyone is buying it, and it's probably because the stores didn't order it in the first place. But you can get it on Amazon. The reviews have been really good on Amazon.'
Does she actually log onto Amazon herself and spend time reading what people are saying about the DVD—or does she have an assistant log on and print that stuff out for her?
'No, I actually go to Amazon and read the reviews myself—not my assistant. ( Pause ) But I do make her do a lot of humiliating things for me like buy tampons and stuff. Oh! You know what I also like doing while I'm online? I look at pictures of myself on Wireimage.com . I do! And I LOVE going to awfulplasticsurgery.com, or whatever it's called. That site is SO addicting!'
As for her own plastic surgery, Griffin says she had 'half the work that Courtney Cox has had done' and '50% of what Lisa Kudrow has had done!'
'I am very open about my plastic surgery, but hey I'm NOT Jocelyn Wildenstein or something! And I haven't had anything done in quite a while. But I have done Botox. I've found that I don't need my facial expressions. I don't need them! And even though I have bangs, usually, I would still prefer to have fewer lines on my forehead!'
I tell her, quite truthfully, that she looks fabulous and svelte, and that she looks like she has a size 0 waist on the DVD. She accepts this graciously. 'I love my gays,' she says, her voice welling with pride.
'But I'm a size 6. By Hollywood standards I'm fat. I'm like the fattest person in Hollywood. No question about it. I saw Naomi Watts at the Golden Globes and I was like, 'How are you not toppling right over, how are you standing?' She is so thin, it's grotesque. I don't know how they do it, I honestly don't.'
'Speaking of the Golden Globes, did you see that I made US Weekly's Worst Dressed List? I mean, whatever, right? But you know what? It's a GREAT picture of me! I wore an up-do and they said I look like Marge Simpson. And I kind of did. But a good-looking Marge Simpson!'
Griffin says she tries to go for a simple, classic look for events like the Golden Globes.
'For every event there is a new stylist and he will always go, 'Girl, we'll get you off that Worst Dressed List.' And I'm always like, cool! Give it your best shot. For the Golden Globes we called Prada, Gucci, Versace, and they were all like, 'Um, the biggest size we have is a zero!' I tried on this Richard Tyler dress and my arms couldn't even fit in the sleeves!'
Watching Kathy Griffin attempt to stuff her arms into the pencil thin sleeves of a couture gown sounds like comedy-heaven-and apparently Bravo couldn't agree more. Later this year, the cable channel will unveil its latest foray into the reality genre—Kathy Griffin: Life on the D-List—a six-episode, one-hour unscripted series that offers an insider's look at the indignities and encounters of the 40-something comic/actress.
The series will also feature Griffin 'peeps,' including her husband Matt Moline, her assistant, Jessica, her crazed, overworked public relations team, her out-of-town in-laws and her 'gays' Dennis and Tony.
'The show is about how I am the polar opposite of Julia Roberts, basically.'
She pauses before adding, 'I wouldn't change places with her though. No, I like being on the D-List. Now, I'm not gonna lie and say, I don't aspire to the C-List, because I kind of do. But I have a life now. I can do anything I want, I go anywhere I want and not be bothered; unless I'm on a gay cruise. Then I would have to stay locked in my cabin, like Britney Spears or something.'
This seems to be a perfect opportunity to mention another Griffin project in the works—Fantastic Voyage, the gay cruise reality show for LOGO.
'You know, I'm not going to be doing that now. They told me they wanted it to be more Real World, so they wanted to do it without a host. But the real gay channel right now? It's Bravo! Project Runway, which I love, and Inside the Actor's Studio with James Lipton—come-ON!'
Ask Kathy Griffin—host of the first Average Joe and winner of Celebrity Mole—what's she's learned from her reality TV experiences and she offers the following without missing a beat:
'People are NOT edited differently from who they are. The 'wife-beater' on this season of Amazing Race? He was actually caught, like, abusing her on camera. They didn't magically add that in! Look, if there's anything I've learned from my experiences with reality TV, it's that they edit you the way you really ARE.'
Get ready to see Kathy the way she really is this month as she hits the road with some new material ( on tap: Ryan Seacrest and Clay Aiken or as she calls him, 'Clay GAY-ken' ) .
'I love Chicago,' says Griffin, an Oak Park native, in reference to the first stop on her tour. 'The last time I performed in Chicago I was running really late for the show. That was May of 2000, I think. I was running late, and trying to get a cab, and Mr. T pulled up in a limo. I knew Mr. T from a guest spot he did on Suddenly Susan, right? Anyway, he's staying in the hotel and he gives me a ride to the show! He was SO sweet. God, I wish I had cameras following me then! THAT is reality TV. That's reality on the D-list, baby. You know why? Because if you are a Renee Zellweger, you're not in that limo! You HAVE a ride to your gig!'
Kathy Griffin performs Feb. 12 at The Centre East in Skokie.
