Sometimes I wonder if I am too radical. Not just as an activist, but also as a woman of color who is into the leather scene, BDSM, and womyn. I like being an in-your-face kick-ass activist, I love the leather scene, but I think my approach with womyn tends to be a bit too radical. When asked, at a nightclub in Atlanta, do I want to dance I replied, "Do you want to fuck?" It just so happened I asked a girl who was as radical as I am, and we ended up in my hotel room that night.
For some reason that approach only works if I am out of town. It could be that we both were looking for someone to spend the night with and I was just lucky. But then you would have to explain why I am always "lucky" every time I am out of town.
Then there is the whole polyamorous thing. A lot of womyn don't care to be bothered with someone who doesn't want to commit to a monogamous relationship. I was told that people who are polyamorous do so because they are afraid of monogamy. That's not true. I am polyamorous because I've come to realize that I was never happy, or fulfilled, in a monogamous relationship. There were always other womyn that caught my eye, and I have to ask them if they want to dance.
But what if we, as human beings, are just not meant to be monogamous? Wouldn't that explain why people cheat? If the whole mono system was so perfect, why are Temptations and Girl Bar full of lesbians searching for something more fulfilling than what they have at home?
I'm not saying that being poly is the solution to all of our problems. But it keeps me honest about who I am as a person.
Not everything is peaches and cream in a poly relationship. Jealousy does surface. But you deal with it. You face your emotions, or your suffering as Buddha says, and remove the power that jealousy has over you. Jealousy stems from being insecure, most insecurity comes from our past not our present. So when jealousy surfaces I tell myself that my girlfriends love me, but they also love someone else. Most of the time I am insecure because of something that happened in my childhood, like trusting the wrong people. I have to remind myself that I am not a child, I have a better sense of judgment, and I have no reason to be insecure. Sometimes that works, other times I wait impatiently for them to call.
Being poly, for me, isn't about having multiple sex partners-;although that is a perk-;it's about sharing love, spirituality, compassion, affection, intimacy, strength, hope, and myself, with more than one woman.
In any relationship problems will arise, but you deal with it. Your lover may get jealous of your other lovers, but they deal with it. There are a number of books on the market to help you have a successful poly relationship: The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt, is one of the best. It tells you how to deal with jealousy and insecurity, among other things. But the best way to do it is to just do it. Don't predict what "could" happen. Besides, everything is ten times worse in our head.
About me being too radical, it's not something that I am complaining about. It's just an observation. I like that I am radical, even though it may be too much for womyn in Chicago. But then again, if I can meet beautiful sexy womyn while I'm out of town, it's only a matter of time before womyn in Chicago start noticing me. Wanna dance?