The 'Stupid-Statement,' expressed: 'What you do is your business (or your thang), just don't bring it to me.' The majority of you should know what I'm talking about. If not, here it is: You've gotten close to a co-worker or new friend, and it's become increasingly difficult to discuss personal issues without outing yourself; so you decide to 'come out' to this person. It's not easy, but you find the perfect moment, when the two of you are alone, and you go for it. If you're lucky, the person will respond, 'I already know,' and turn their attentions to more pressing matters; or they'll freak out, and distance themselves from you. Too many times, however, you'll be recipient of the 'stupid-statement.' Recently, I started a new job, and have heard it already.
The problem with the 'stupid-statement' is that it's quite insulting to the individual who risked 'outing' themselves. It also evolves into an unexpected emotional assault, because the first part of the statement is quite uplifting and embracing of your orientation, ('What you do is your business / or your thang...'). So, when you hear the first part of this person's response, you lower your defense mechanisms; you relax. Unfortunately, at this point, you've opened yourself up for the unexpected assault that follows. The attachment portion of this statement is about to fall, ('Just don't bring it to me!').
The owner of this statement thinks that they're doing a good thing by sharing their non-homophobic views with you. They don't, however, seem to understand the negative impact of their irrational thinking; it really pisses us off. 'How dare you uplift me with your words only to kick me in my gut?'
It's quite insulting and demeaning to be the receiver of this illogical response, especially to me as a womyn. It's insulting because, the assumption that because I'm a lesbian, I want to have sex with every womyn that I meet is asinine. It's demeaning because I despise being categorized with oversexed males. Wimyn are more interested in developing relationships, friendships, social circles, and community: I love making new friends. So to lower me to nothing more than a lusting sexual creature is demeaning, there's more to me than my sexuality—but that's how the womyn interprets my existence at that moment. It's as if she's surrounding herself with a force-field to protect her from my experienced tongue, just in-case I get any funny ideas.
What she fails to understand is that my tongue is highly selective, and that she doesn't qualify, even if she's beautiful—she's straight, 'Hellooo ... penis lives there!' Ick ... . Additionally, the absurdity of this mode of thinking digs even deeper because too many of these womyn are undesirables to me, man, womyn, and beast; reasons: bad teeth, bad wig/ weave, anorexic, hygiene problems, built like a big (no-shape) squash, just plain ugly, or has spit pools forming at the corners of her mouth (true story).
Bottom line, there's an element of homophobia hidden in the 'stupid-statement.' If it weren't, the attachment wouldn't be necessary. Apparently, some hidden curiosities exist that she fears. As we know, some of the biggest homophobes are those who are bicurious, but refuse to acknowledge it; thus their protection becomes the 'stupid-statement.'
OK, enough venting—moving on.
vickyism@aol.com
