In his book Confusing Love with Obsession, author John D. Moore uses personal accounts and case studies to spotlight the problem some people have when they blur the line between true love and true fixation. Moore talked to Windy City Times about characteristics of obsessive people as well as ways to escape such a relationship.
Windy City Times: Why write this book?
John D. Moore: That's a good question. I wrote it because there were no resources about obsessive relationships, particularly for men. There was a book called Women Who Love Too Much, but even the author said that the target readers were women.
After going through my own personal experiences of unhealthy attachments and obsessive relationships, I began looking for resources and didn't find any. That's how I began thinking about writing such a book after being in a support group myself. After listening to people's stories, getting stories e-mailed to me, and visiting others, the book came around.
WCT: How would you define obsession?
JDM: Regarding relationships, an obsession is an inability to function without that person being involved in your life. That could mean constantly monitoring someone or thinking about that person all the time to the point where it's debilitating. You can't function as an independent person because you're so caught up in someone else.
WCT: So it's a form of extreme attachment?
JDM: Exactly. However, it even goes beyond that. In my book, I differentiate between relational dependency and co-dependency. Co-dependency involves being dependent on another person. I postulate that people are dependent on the relationship or—even more important—the fantasy of the relationship.
WCT: You list 15 traits of people who confuse love with obsession. Isn't it possible for everyone to have at least one of these characteristics at some point?
JDM: Good question. It is possible to have one or maybe two of these traits so I ask people to look at the totality of their behavior and compare it to the characteristics so they can make really good self-assessments. Confusing love with obsession doesn't happen in a vacuum; it happens over a lifetime.
WCT: One trait that you discuss is engaging in acts of revenge against those who have hurt you, especially those who you perceive as threats to your relationship.
JDM: An example is this: Let's say I have a fantasy of dating someone. A perceived threat would be an ex-boyfriend or someone else who has an interest in the same person. A person may act out by slashing tires, threatening him personally, or exposing personal details. When you're that caught up, you're not really concerned about the ramifications. A revengeful person would want to eliminate those threats.
WCT: Another trait is using sex to control.
JDM: This happens more often in the gay community than we like to admit but it happens [ in every sexual demographic ] . It can involve withholding sex from a partner until you get what you want—or it can involve conditioning sex based on certain things that should be said ( like 'I love you' ) during the act. It can even involve bringing another person into the relationship.
WCT: You say the obsession can get so bad that people can develop physical symptoms, such as ulcers, diarrhea, or headaches.
JDM: People worry themselves sick. They're so focused on the other person that everything else—food, work, health—becomes secondary. It's no different than someone who has a cocaine dependency and goes through withdrawal.
WCT: What can someone do if he discovers he's being stalked?
JDM: To [ preface ] that, the truth is that women are stalked more than men; however, men are stalked. The first thing is to not assume that it will just go away; it won't. There are different kinds of stalkers. One is a rejected stalker, who likes you but the feelings aren't returned. They're the most dangerous because they've been rejected and they're angry. You should let your place of employment know; the stalker may call at work and hang up when you answer. You may have to change your bank account or PIN number; someone may be able to monitor your ATM transactions. You should also alert your landlord and fellow tenants. Also, you should absolutely change your phone number—and you must file a police report. Any perceived threat should be taken seriously.
WCT: So, unfortunately, fatal attraction is alive and well.
JDM: People do go Glenn Close on others—and it happens across the sexual spectrum. The big myth is that it's a female thing. Trust me, it's not; [ obsessive behavior ] is what I like to call an equal opportunity destroyer.
Some of the proceeds from purchasing the book goes to Chicago House. See www.johndmoore.net .
