Harry Potter and the Reluctant Satanist
Don't read the Harry Potter books.
I did, and I immediately felt an uncontrollable compulsion to worship Satan, to praise His evil with great praise, and to prostrate my helpless soul before His Satanic Overlordship. (I hate it when something like this happens after reading a book.)
I had never been openly evil. (Not that being openly evil is a bad thing. Some of my best friends are openly evil.) Instead I watched Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' with reckless disregard for the anti-Satanism disclaimer, flipped through Satanism for Dummies, and allowed Anton LaVey's Satanic Bible to lie on my TV, bleeding evil into prime time in a sort of degenerate spiritual osmosis.
But then I began to turn on the radio only when Judas Priest, Slayer or Black Sabbath were playing. I read labels in the supermarket backwards. Most disturbing of all, I saw my Hagrid action figure weep blood from his anus.
My friends said the substance was only ketchup, but I knew it was blood, even though I had little credibility, since we all remembered that phase of my life when I compulsively dipped my Captain Kirk action figure in salsa and repeatedly sucked him clean again.
This time, however, I knew Satan was at work.
I was inescapably enslaved by evil. I painted my cat, Mrs. Norris, black, because that seemed to be a really evil thing to do; and, indeed, Mrs. Norris turned instantly evil when I began to spraypaint him.
I wrote the word EVIL in red magic-marker all over my clothes.
I carried a large teal handkerchief everywhere, which I waved in a threatening manner at passersby, judging myself thereby to be the evil equivalent of Lucius Malfoy.
I began speaking in tongues. One of them was surely Satan's, but another sounded strangely like Christopher Walken's. I had never before even fantasized about having Christopher Walken's tongue in my mouth, but the sensation was not unpleasant. I was clearly becoming more evil by the moment.
I urinated ceaselessly, but only on myself.
I campaigned to have the role of Dumbledore played by Christopher Walken, in appreciation for our newfound intimacy.
I attempted to seduce beautiful young women with my evil charm, but they ignored me. I believe this rejection was the work of Satan.
I rearranged the words of the Harry Potter books using a demonic code, forming the demonic sentences 'I like bad things. You like bad things. We all like bad things, including great big cum-dripping sloppy goat-cocks.' I couldn't actually find the words 'cum-dripping' and 'goat-cocks' in the books, but I felt their presence in the sentence was clearly implied. Now I can no longer look people in the eye, knowing what I know about cum-dripping goat-cocks.
In short, I was evil.
So, unless you want to become like me—a Kirk-sucking, Christ-denying, hanky-waving, rampaging piss-fountain—say no to Satan, and don't read the Harry Potter books. Actually, to be on the safe side, don't read anything at all; and, if you've already read this far, then pick up a hanky and start waving, because you're an evil motherfucker; and, hey, what's that white, sticky, goat-cum-like substance dripping down your chin?