John Hassey is often asked when divorcing couples should come to see him in his role as a divorce and family mediator. His answer always is: before they get married.
"It sounds counterintuitive, but the conflict resolution and communication tools I use to help couples divorce more amicably are the same tools that help couples improve their relationships if they start using them early on," Hassey said. "I think most divorces could be avoided if couples had more clarity about their relationship before they even got married."
Hassey, 36, who lives in Chicago's Andersonville neighborhood and is openly gay, works with gay and straight couples—and both have issues with divorce.
"In itself, I don't believe that divorce is a problem at all," Hassey said. "People are perfectly capable of making the best decision for themselves about divorcing or not. I believe that how couples do what they do is more important than what they do. So, if a couple decides to put the work into improving their marriage, they—and their kids, if they have them—will benefit from that work. If they decide to divorce in a fair, amicable and affordable way, likewise, they—and their kids—will benefit from that, [too]."
Hassey has been mediating divorces for 3 years, though he's been a marital counselor for 10. "More recently, I've seen couples pause the divorce process and, instead, work on their marriage. Most of this has been motivated by the couples' difficult financial situation," he said.
He said he has not seen any surge of late in same-sex divorces.
"My worst case was a couple who had lived in the same house, with their children, for years, although their marriage had, in essence, ended long before," Hassey said. "The kids could sense that something was wrong, but the couple told their children nothing. When one of the parents moved out, they still told their children nothing. Even when one of the parents started dating someone else, they told their children nothing. Eventually the kids were begging to know something, but the couple still said nothing. This couple told me that they 'didn't know what to say.'
"I can't imagine the fear and anxiety those kids were going through.
"My best case was a couple who went into the divorce process in a very deliberate way. They first went through my five-session marital counseling program. When they realized they weren't willing or able to work on the marriage, they went about drafting their divorce agreement with me. Ironically, since they were willing to go slowly and deliberately through divorce, their divorce went smoother and more quickly than most. From start to finish, they were done in five months, and they both seemed very happy with the outcome.
"Of course, there also are other couples who start divorce mediation and, during the process, decide to reconcile and work on their marriage. Those cases are always nice to be a part of."
Hassey said that, during a divorce, parents often teach powerful lessons to their children about fairness, how to handle conflict, and how to communicate. "These lessons will impact the children in their future relationships," he said. "If there is one piece of advice I deeply hope divorcing parents take, it's this: Ask yourself what you're teaching your children through your actions—and no matter how well you're doing, there's always room for improvement.
"A lot of people would say that, for social reasons, gay divorce is somehow more difficult for the parents and the children. I just haven't seen that in my practice. My experience is that, although divorce does not have to be horrible, it's never easy, either. That's true of gay and straight couples alike."
Here are some divorce tips from Hassey, a divorce and family mediator:
—"Don't do what most couples do. Don't run to an attorney, spend tens of thousands of dollars and prepare for battle. Divorce doesn't have to be like that. There are different avenues for divorce, [such as] collaborative law or divorce mediation. Know the options, and decide which option is best for you."
—"I suggest to divorcing parents that they talk to their children about the divorce."
