THE VOICE OF CHICAGO'S GAY, LESBIAN, BI, TRANS AND QUEER COMMUNITY SINCE 1985

At times it feels like a death of some part of me as my spirit stretches into a new season of wonder. I've learned to give my emotions free reign during these moments in order to fully shed the emotional and psychological skin that I've outgrown. However, I do tend to go too deep into thought during these times, and struggle to stop myself before I reach that point of insanity (illogical thinking). We all do it, especially womyn—we're the deep thinkers of humanity, our voices have just been silenced. Anyway, I always find it helpful to reflect on some of the thoughts that I think about for closure purposes. To do this, I engage in a bout of metathought, 'thinking about what I was thinking about' from a critical and analytical perspective. Recently, I realized that I'd been comparing the 'hear and now' to the 'then and there,' while in my deep state of thought. I was revisiting a conversation that I'd had, many moons ago, with a childhood friend; we were both seven years old.

In this conversation, he was expressing a strong desire to marry a womyn like his mommy, and I definitely wanted to marry a man like my daddy. You see, the 'then and there' versus the 'here and now.' Funny huh! I look back on those days of innocence and smile. It was apparent that my heterosexual programming was going as planned. I was my parent's cute little gurl— the first born to their union. My mom always dressed me up like a little princess, and my dad washed my face with wet kisses. But, memories can be scary sometimes, especially when they are connected to a twist in your development. That following year, I turned eight and all hell broke loose in my hormones, that cute little lady died and my alter ego took center stage. No longer did I want to marry a man like my daddy—hell, I wanted to 'be' my daddy! My identity shifted a little as I came face-to-face with the real me ... this new awareness of self was kind of confusing at first. However, I soon found great comfort in the secret thoughts I was entertaining; I wanted to marry a womyn like my mommy!

OK, so here's my little twist. An old theory suggests that boys seek spouses like their moms, and gurls like their dads. But, what happens when that boy or gurl happens to be homosexual? Does the gurl seek personality characteristics and physical attributes in her lover that are similar to those of her mother or father? Does her demeanor, tomboy or gurlie, influence which parent she identifies with? Think about it! Which parent's behaviors and physical stature influences your particular taste when seeking a companion? For some, it may not be a parent, for various reasons, but someone who served as a mentor or guardian in your life. Since the answer may not be easily found, you might want to begin by thinking about some similar behavioral patterns, and physical attributes that several of your partners have had in common. Now, apply those patterns to both of your parents or your mentors. Which one shows the strongest possibility of being the model for the partners that you've been in relationships with thus far? In looking back, I've dated many womyn like my mother without realizing it. A companion who was most like my mother also told me that I was exactly like her father—she was ultra fem and I'm ... well, you know!

Just another interesting issue I was thinking about as I watched the buds of spring burst into crabgrass. Probably influenced by that butch dyke who got mad because I wouldn't give her a play. Sorry, not interested in gurl/boys! A wise and funny friend once said, 'Two butch women can't be in a relationship because that's homosexual!' You tell-em Von!

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