Imagine that you are thriving in a community which celebrates and supports you. It's a community that provides you with a strong foundation.
Now, imagine that after 15 or 20 years you are forced to leave that community because, for reasons beyond your control, you no longer belong. You are expected to join a new culture, and live within the parameters of its values and customs, many of which contradict those of the community you were forced to leave.
For many heterosexual kids of GLBT parents, it's called growing up.
I'm talking about being culturally queer/erotically straight, a term invented by Stefan Lynch, founding director of Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere ( COLAGE ) . As the straight son of a gay dad and a lesbian mom, Lynch coined the phrase when he was 15. More than a decade later, this term continues to be invaluable for me and so many other bicultural offspring as we strive to articulate how our upbringing impacts our lives long after we leave home. Each time I pass along the phrase to other straight sons and daughters, the typical response is relief—relief because their identity is actually common enough that someone has named it.
Not all straight kids of GLBT parents relate to the culturally queer identity, but I do run into them quite often. While recently giving a presentation on homophobia to high school students, I noticed one young woman nodding when I spoke specifically about children of GLBT parents. Later, the young woman sought me out. Surprised, overwhelmed, and excited, she told me, "What you were saying— that's me! I have lesbian moms!" She switched to a more serious tone when she told me her gay classmates don't really understand why she is so involved in gay-related issues while still identifying as straight. She then said something I have heard many times before: "It would be so much easier if I could just come out."
Of course, degrees of cultural queerness vary greatly, and might depend on how old a child was when a parent came out, or if a child was born into a family of same-sex parents. Cultural queerness might also depend on how connected parents are within the GLBT community and how "out" they are in the greater community.
My queerness runs deep. It is rooted in a gay male culture that includes families of choice, show tunes, AIDS, and fabulous food. Sometimes when gay men meet me for the first time in a predominantly gay male environment they see me as an intruder and test out my savvy in a screening process I call "Stump the Hag." I try to be patient with them because although it can be insulting to have my authenticity challenged, I recognize that this process is a survival tactic developed for assessing the depth of their safe space. When they find I can keep up with their code words, cultural references and innuendoes, they become more curious than threatened. I was once asked, "Sweetheart, are you sure you're not a gay man?" I thanked him for the compliment.
I have heard GLBT parents talk about children as young as four or five who say, "I'm gay." This is not a reflection on their sexual identity ( yet ) , but rather a struggle regarding their placement in queer culture. Children, not yet able to distinguish between sexual orientation and cultural identity, know that queer culture is safe space for them. The straight world is where they hear not-nice words about their families. Why would they want to be part of that?
This quandary gets more complicated if, as we approach adulthood, heterosexual orientation solidifies. I, like other culturally queer kids, tend to gravitate to things that reflect my heritage: queer coffee shops, concerts, and social gatherings. Yet it is at the very places where we feel most at home that we are often perceived as tourists. And unless we tell our life stories to each new person we run into, we are frequently assumed to be gawking hets who can't wait to tell our friends about how kooky-hip we are for venturing into queer space.
More and more GLBT people are choosing to become parents. Roughly 90 percent of their children are heterosexual, and many of them will remain in the GLBT community long after they outgrow the strollers that pushed them through Pride parades.
As this population of culturally queer/erotically straight children grows ( and grows up ) , we will continue to challenge the GLBT community to expand its own definition of who "belongs."
We're not trying to infiltrate queer culture; we've been here all along.
Abigail Garner is a national writer and lecturer on GLBT family issues. Contact her via her website, www.familieslikemine.com . © 2000 Abigail Garner.