Well, shut my mouth... because you can't shut hers! Miss Richfield 1981, that is. Miss Richfield brings her trailer park type of humor to the Windy City with her bang-up new show 'Fall On Your Kness,' playing at the opulent Lakeshore Theater this Friday, December 21 and Saturday December 22. We took a moment with this brassy beauty queen to discuss Christmas crafts, Kmart and the virtues of boiled hosiery.
Nightspots: Welcome to Chicago! How does the Windy City compare to your native Richfield, Minn.?
Miss Richfield: Please don't take this the wrong way, but nothing really compares to Richfield, where butter is a spice and gravy is a beverage. The only similarity to old Chi-town is the wind, which is very strong in Richfield because my trailer park is at the end of runway 2 at Minneapolis/St. Paul International! Fortunately I have hair that doesn't move, especially when I put the chinstrap down.
NS: Tell us about this 'Christmas craft project' during your show? Should we bring our own safety scissors?
MR: Not necessary, but thanks for asking! I bring all the supplies for my crafts, which you big city folk will really enjoy because it's a Minute Craft! So even you homos who are too busy for family, charity, and Jesus can still do crafts!
NS: What are your official duties as Miss Richfield 1981? Opened any good mini-malls lately?
MR: Gosh, they depend on me so insistently, because most of the other Miss Richfields from previous years have just gotten heavy. Just last week I opened the newly re-carpeted young boy's department at the Kmart in Richfield! This is particularly fun at this time of year when our Kmart Santa, who we all just know as Herb, can always be found near the dressing rooms bouncing little ones on his knee, tickling, and smiling—often even when he's not on duty. Now that is dedication!
NS: Why haven't they made a doll out of you yet?
MR: I'm insisting on a bobble head because they're just darling and it's a close representation to how I look while riding the Greyhound! But due to my designer eyewear, my generous smile and my hair teased to Jesus and sprayed to France, so far all the bobble heads just keep tipping over on their faces. The good news is that I'm working with this real nice Oriental guy on a pure lead model that is showing some promise. Keep an eye out for Xmas '08!
NS: Speaking of Xmas, what are you hoping Santa will shove in your stocking this Christmas?
NS: I know you big city boys are eagerly awaiting Santa squeezing his big furry mitt into your stockings and assorted hosiery. But for us Christians, who wear our hose a size or two larger than you boys, we prefer giving during this holy holiday of Xmas! In fact, tomorrow I'm planning on attending the 13th Annual Lutheran Holiday Hose Boil, where we church gals sanitize gently used pantyhose to package and send to the starving women in Ethiopia! Merry Christmas Africa!
