For many people, family is a complex proposition.
Decisions about how to grow a healthy support team can impact emotional and physical well-being. Van Binfa is a writer, activist, and family caregiver who has developed a family network over time that defies traditional definitions. From online communities, to a dynamic family of origin, to a carefully cultivated group of long term friends, Van now has family that validates all of who he is. Van recently sat down with Windy City Times to share insights on family of choice.
Interviewee: Van Binfa
Age: 28
Relationship Status: Single
Neighborhood: Schaumburg
Activities: 1 ) Soy Quien Soy, a grassroots collective that provides support and resources for trans* people, specifically trans* POC folks; and 2 ) Pinwheels, as a mentor for family members of trans* children
Windy City Times: What was your definition of family growing up?
Van Binfa: I grew up in a big, chaotic family. There was always people around, it was loud. Family when I was young meant a hundred cousins, my grandmother cooking in the kitchen, my grandfather checking everyone's cars. It was warmth and comfort and big meals.
WCT: How has that changed in your twenties?
VB: Family is no longer based in biology. In our culture close members of family who aren't blood related are still cousins, tias and tios. So I've just expanded that definition. I believe family is what I choose to make it.
WCT: Is there a distinction between your family of choice and family of origin now?
VB: I try not to live my life by definitions, so yes they do blend sometimes. My family of origin is very complicated, I come from a background that includes abuse and domestic violence. My family of choice is often an escape or alternative to that. I get to pick who my chosen family is. I try to keep clear boundaries with both families.
WCT: You are a caregiver for your biological grandmother, how has your relationship changed over time?
VB: My grandma has Alzheimer's so I help with her care. She practically raised me, we've always been incredibly close. She's a tough, bad ass woman who raised 6 kids and is the matriarch. I try very much to remind her of that, because her long term memory is much better than her short term. I have her focus on the things she is really proud of, and listen to her stories. She always had to care for everyone else, I just want her to feel special, so I bring her flowers and special gifts sometimes.
WCT: What does your chosen family look like now? Is it important for them to reflect your LGBTQ identity?
VB: It starts with my sister as we've always been super close. I would say most of my chosen family members are cisgender but they have different identities and they aren't afraid of asking questions about my trans identity. My sister and close friend Christina are both asexual, another friend is queer, and I have two friends Elisa and Gretchen who are extremely close to me and they are cisgender lesbian librarians. [Laughs] All of them are absolutely wonderful.
WCT: How do you care for each other?
VB: Well Christina and I met at work, and we live close to each other. We both are night owls so we marathon TV shows, go grocery shopping, and cry in each other's arms during difficult times. Elisa and Gretchen are a couple, but they've never made me feel like a third wheel. I stay at their place often, and when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, they googled best gifts for fibro patients and got me massage coupons. Dealing with chronic illness, being trans and looking for support and resources, it's important to surround myself with people who show up.
WCT: What were the paths for becoming chosen family in these relationships?
VB: Well, Elisa and I have known each other since elementary school and over time we've just gotten closer and closer. We were roommates in college, and we have passions in common. We love anything to do with Hamlet, and actually Christina does as well. Gretchen and I love to write and enjoy medical documentaries. The bonds have been strengthened over time.
I think what I'm trying to say is I'm a big nerd, and these folks are also nerds. [Chuckles] Time and time again, whether I'm in the hospital, have been in a slump or need a kick in my ass, these are the people who have consistently been there.
WCT: You are very active online writing fan fiction based on the TV show Supernatural. Does your online community have any family similarities?
VB: I write fan fic because it's my passion in life; if I could get a master's in it, I totally would. Writing fan fiction for this show since 2013, I've developed really close friendships with my editors, Tricia and Jessie. Tricia is 53 and lives in Texas; for my birthday, she sent me a huge box of Doritos and Target gift cards. I get to see Jessie in September because there's a Supernatural convention here and we are so excited. Sometimes it is easier to reach out online than it is to pick up the phone, so knowing those people are there is a relief.
WCT: Does age have any impact on your relationships?
VB: Well my last partner was 17 years older than me, we had questions about whether it would work. It did make sense though because I have a lot of friends who are older than me, in their 50s, 60s and 70'. And now I'm mentoring young people ages 5-13 and I just can't understand how they have the level of energy they have! So for my older friends I think there's a kid, grandkid feeling there. And for the younger people I can encourage them that they can get over the difficult times.
WCT: Do you have any advice for people who are trying to create families of choice?
VB: I would say don't be afraid to change your family of choice. I've had people in my chosen family who in hindsight I knew weren't good for me. My family right now looks different than it did two years ago. I had a close friend in my mid-twenties who was also trans, but we grew apart and our values changed. The split has been amicable, but it was necessary for me to let that person go because the relationship was no longer moving forward. Don't be afraid to let those people go, I wish I had heard that two years ago.
