Vincent Pryor is very curious about the whereabouts of a middle-school classmate. Pryor wants to shake your hand, probably give you a big bear-hug and just say, "Thanks." Be ready for tears, too.
About 25 years ago, when Pryor was in seventh grade in San Antonio, he was the big, popular jock who happened to be African-American. "Mike Jones" ( not his real name ) was the all-American kid with blonde hair and blue eyes.
Pryor saw something in Jones—an effeminate teen—that he could pick on, and he did. Pryor relentlessly hurled anti-gay slurs at Jones, and then one day he followed Jones into the bathroom at school to continue his verbal assault—until Jones challenged Pryor verbally.
Jones asked Pryor, "What are you doing? Why are you saying these things about me when you're just like me?"
Pryor froze, almost startled at Jones' bravery.
Then, Jones kissed Pryor on the lips.
"He just did what came natural to him, I guess," Pryor recalled, decades later. "That moment always stuck in my head. It impacted me long-term. It was a pretty intense, powerful moment."
The two even explored their sexuality over the coming weeks, completely closeted from everyone.
"There are people who have a milestone impact on your life. [ 'Mike Jones' ] definitely is one of those people for me, yet he'll never know what kind of impact he had on me, how he affected me [ while ] growing up, from that moment going forward," Pryor said. "I have no clue where he's at today, though I still remember his house, where he lived, how to get to his house from my house, and more."
Pryor hasn't seen Jones since that school year.
So what would Pryor say to Jones today?
"Ugh, 'Thank you and where ya been? I've been looking for you.' … Actually, I don't know what I'd say to him," Pryor said, hesitating.
Pryor went on to a standout football career in high school and then at Texas Christian University ( TCU ) . He played four seasons for the Horned Frogs, capping his career with an Independence Bowl appearance in 1994 and a mark in TCU's record book. In Pryor's last regular-season game of his college career, he led the Horned Frogs to a 24-17 win over Texas Tech on the day after Thanksgiving. Pryor recorded four and a half quarterback sacks from his position as outside linebacker. That school record, which he shares with David Spradlin ( 1987 ) , still stands.
It was the only regular-season game in his career that Pryor played as an openly gay Division I player—a rarity at that level even today, 17 years later.
"I came out and it was no big deal. Mind you, this was pre-Facebook, pre- MySpace, pre-Twitter. I just came out and, well, that was it," Pryor said.
The TCU newspaper didn't even write about his sexual orientation at the time.
Pryor admits he strongly considered boasting his sexual orientation to the media after that record-setting performance against Texas Tech.
"That win was huge—for the team, not just me personally. Winning that game was an awesome experience," Pryor said. "I was going to come out during the post-game interviews, but I just changed my mind because I didn't want the victory to be about me or my sexuality. But, I do remember thinking what I was going to say [ to the media ] . I was literally weighing the options [ of coming out ] right as I was saying the words, answering their questions. Eventually I just determined that was not the right place."
Pryor, now 39, lives in Chicago's South Loop and is the onboard services manager for Amtrak. He lives with his partner of 13 years, Alan Dettlaff, 40, a professor of social work at the University of Illinois-Chicago, and their dog.
"I just thought, I have a story to tell, one that can help people," said Pryor who was profiled earlier this month on Outsports.com—his first gay-related interview, well, ever.
This is his second such interview—his first for a newspaper.
Clearly, Pryor is living proof that, yes, it gets better. Absolutely, he said, "at least I think so."
"When you're going through [ sexual orientation questioning ] in, say, third grade or seventh grade or whenever, you think you're the only one. You think that God is punishing you," Pryor said. "But when you find out that you're not the only one, and meet people like you, you start to feel more confident and OK with yourself and can be yourself, be who you are.
"The responses I've gotten to my story have been amazing. Many have said they were inspired by my story, so I feel like it's been working."
Pryor, now in the Facebook generation, has become friends with people around the world of late, including many in-the-closet athletes.
"I didn't have any expectations of how this was going to go because this basically was unchartered territory for me. I'm glad my story is out there; hopefully it's helping others," he said. "For my experience, to be an out, open Division I football player was a good thing. I just want kids to know that, yes, it gets better, that they aren't the only one.
"I know that there are college and pro athletes who are in the closet and they are not coming out because they are afraid of what may happen to them. But if a pro athlete was to come out while playing, that would be a beacon to everyone that it's OK."
In fact, Pryor predicted that, in the next 10 years, someone from one of the big four male team sports ( baseball, football, basketball and hockey ) would come out—on his own accord.
"When that person comes out, he will guide [ the gay community ] to where we need to be. The world will see that it's OK, that it gets better," Pryor said.
Pryor told only a select few people about his sexual orientation during his first three years at TCU. Instead, he did everything possible to hide his sexual orientation, even amid rumors that he was gay.
In 1993, he joined the TCU Triangle, the school's first gay and lesbian group which, ironically, was started by Dettlaff.
In 1994, Pryor went full speed into his coming-out process, even though it had potentially drastic consequences. There was an ecumenical exchange on campus with students from area schools of various religious denominations. They were discussing homosexuality.
Pryor came out that day on campus, even with football teammates at the conference. A few days later, he came out in a class—with teammates and even an assistant coach present.
Everyone supported Pryor.
"At the end of the day in the sports world, the bottom line is, can the gay baseball player hit the ball, or can the gay football player tackle someone, or can the gay hockey player score goals, or can the gay basketball player hit the jump-shot," Pryor said. "When I came out in the ecumenical exchange, I was petrified. There were a bunch of athletes in there, but thankfully one of them immediately stood up for me in support of how I play on the field.
"Ultimately, people really just want to know that, if you get into the game, can you produce and will you help us win a championship?"
Pryor and Dettlaff are still Horned Frog loyalists and attended the 2011 Rose Bowl in Pasadena, Calif.—wearing purple, naturally.
Meeting his mate
Pryor was living in Dallas in the late 1990s, working at Sears at the time and also mentoring young gays from the workplace. He often took them to the local gay bars to help their coming-out processes.
One night, they wanted to go out, but Pryor didn't. Eventually they convinced him to join them at JR's Bar & Grill.
It was a similar story that night for Dettlaff, whose work friends also wanted to go and yet he didn't. Ultimately, Dettlaff also relented and joined them at JR's.
Pryor spotted Dettlaff at the bar and they started reflecting on their TCU days. They split from their friends and spent time together.
They're still together—13 years later.
So is a civil union in the future for the Illinois pair?
"We've been talking about that a lot," Pryor said.
"Growing up, one of the ways I used to test [ to see ] if anyone was gay or not was, I'd ask if they planned to get married when they get older? If the answer was, 'Yes,' then I thought they were straight. If the answer was, 'No,' then I thought they might be gay."
It was just as he asked "Mike Jones" in seventh grade.
Here are Vincent Pryor's comments on a variety of topics:
—On Sterling Sharpe, a former NFL player who, about 10 years ago, said an openly gay player wouldn't make it to his next game because his teammates would give him a season-ending injury in practice: "That's the old macho bullshit. Sure, there's still probably some of that today, but not [ from ] everyone. If an athlete, such as Sterling Sharpe, takes definitive action to treat someone differently [ based on one's sexual orientation, ] I would ask him to remember his African-American culture, remember where he came from."
—On TCU: "TCU was a great experience for me. I got to meet a whole bunch of wonderful people, a big diverse group of people."
—On growing up in San Antonio: "In San Antonio [ while ] growing up, it was easy to play the part because no one had any expectations of me dating the next Jennifer Lopez. Everyone in my family stressed no sex before marriage—and that was cool with me. Football, meanwhile, was a bit more difficult, especially when you have all of these women around. Saying you were waiting until marriage, well, that's almost not an option."
—On playing in the NFL: "I knew that if I went to the NFL it would be a tough road. Do I hide who I am, or what do I do [ about my sexual orientation? ] I'm glad with the path that I did take. I have no regrets."
—On playing in the 1994 Independence Bowl: "It was quite the experience, a very cool experience, something I was able to share with some amazing people. It was an awesome experience."
—On being gay: "I want people to know that, yes, you can be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a teacher, or a football player. The fact that you're gay, lesbian, transgender … it's OK. I think there's a myth, of sorts, that people believe it's not OK to come out. That's so not true."
