I get hundreds of letters every week from readers asking my advice. I'm not sure why you want my advice because:
a. I'm not an advice columnist, and
b. I'm an idiot.
So, if you're stupid enough to take my advice, God help you, because I'm sure as hell not going to.
OK, let's dip into the mailbag.
My girlfriend insists on licking me in public. We will be walking down the street or standing in line for coffee and she will lunge at me with her tongue and lap me from my chin to my forehead. This causes people to shriek in disgust, and it leaves me soggy and questioning my love for her. When I asked her why she can't just kiss me like a normal person, she got defensive and said, "This is how we express affection in MY country," like she's from France or one of those Eastern European countries where people lick each other instead of shaking hands. But, JLo, she was born and raised in Schaumburg, so I don't know what she's talking about. What should I do?
Like most people, I am deeply ambivalent about tongues. They give such pleasure at the supper table and in the boudoir, but seem freakishly inappropriate in almost any other environment. I have always thought that tongues look a lot like Truman Capote, except that they don't wear hats. And while it might be fun to have Truman Capote sitting next to you at a dinner party, you wouldn't want him sliding all over your face. As for what you should do to solve this problem - listen, honey, I've got tongue troubles of my own. I can't convince a certain tongue to get anywhere near me, even after years of trying to entice it by slathering myself with honey and tequila. So, consider yourself blessed.
What's the secret of your success?
-Pea Green with Envy
The answer, my friend, is a combination of cockeyed optimism and ritualistic hand washing. The hand washing has nothing to do with a fear of germs. Rather, I wash my hands precisely 11 times a day because I am fairly certain that the Earth will implode if I don't. Before you go racing to the DSM3 to look up the definition of obsessive/compulsive disorder, consider this: I have been washing my hands 11 times a day for more than 30 years and the Earth has not yet imploded. Coincidence?
I woke up on November 3 to discover that half the people in this country are xenophobic, homophobic, racists. Is it possible to find a common ground with these fools?
There was one moment in the presidential campaign when I felt really close to Republicans. A newsperson asked a beady-eyed resident of the "heartland" why he was voting for Bush, and he said, "Because he's the type of guy I could drink a beer with." And I feel the same way! Well, sort of. I don't want to drink a beer with him - I want to throw a beer at him. Details, details. What's important is that - Liberal or Conservative - we all seem to like beer! Also, we both scream in pain when someone throws a pot of scalding coffee at us. So, the next time a Conservative starts mouthing off at you, you may want to try that.
Want some excellent advice from JLo? Write me at firstname.lastname@example.org