I am sitting at my desk at work, waiting for a phone call from a woman I've been courting. I have been waiting for this call all day. She was supposed to call me last Friday. But she didn't. 'Maybe she's trapped in a car underwater, screaming out my name,' I told myself this morning, full of hope that she'd escape her watery grave and call me today.
But it's almost 5 p.m., and she hasn't called.
Throughout the day, I did the things you do when you're waiting for a call from a girl. I picked up the phone every five minutes to see if it was working. And then I checked voicemail to make sure she didn't call while I was testing the phone line. I walked away from my desk in hopes that if I played hard to get she would call. I phoned my parents and was nice to them, praying that God would reward me for being a good daughter.
Nothing worked. She didn't call.
Before we get much farther into this story, I need to tell you about my job. I work for a Brand Name Company. If I told you its name, you would know it. You would probably get misty eyed and say something like, 'I grew up on (insert Brand Name of Company here).' It's the type of company that causes people to get sentimental and weepy.
For years I worked as an editor for the Company. Then, one day I asked the President of the Company if he was losing weight, and he responded, 'You're promoted!' Now my job is to secure Multi-Million-Dollar partnerships with other Brand Name Companies.
This is not as difficult as it may seem. Brand Name Companies like to do business with other Brand Name Companies. They especially like to do business with my Company, because my Company is Beloved by the American People.
The woman who promised to call works for a Brand Name Company that is not Beloved. In fact, anyone who reads the financial pages knows that her Company is Troubled and is in No Position to be Jerking Around a Much-Loved, Much-Admired Company like the one I work for.
She promised to call on Friday to tell me how many Millions of Dollars her Troubled Company would give my Beloved Company. But she never called.
Her Company reminds me of all the Women who have rejected me over the years. Like the Company, these Women who have refused to love me are also Deeply Troubled. They, too, do not call when they are supposed to. They would steal old folk's pensions and dump industrial waste into the environment if they could.
At the end of the day, the President of my Company asks me if I ever got the call. I put my head into my hands and I whimper. He tells me that he still loves me even if the stupid woman from the Troubled Company doesn't. It's like having your Mom tell you she loves you after she learns your Heart has been Destroyed by a Heartless Girl who you Love more than Life Itself. It doesn't make me feel better.
Just then the phone rings. It's her! She tells me that her Company will not pay us One Red Cent. Instead, she suggests that My Company pay Her Company Millions of Dollars. 'Yes!' I say as my heart throbs. 'Anything! I'm just so happy you called!'
