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  NIGHTSPOTS

Dateland
by Jennifer Parello
2004-06-23

This article shared 2122 times since Wed Jun 23, 2004
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Last week, I decided to take up the exciting hobby of bird watching. I bought a bird guide, pith helmet, and binoculars and hiked out to my back deck to study the many European rock doves (pigeons) that gather there. As I flipped through the bird guide, I came up with a great idea for a book. The book—fashioned after the bird guide—would use common bird names to describe the different types of gay/lesbian people you see roaming the streets of Boys Town and Andersonville:

Name: Red-faced Cormorant

Habitat: Creeping out of a stranger's bed at 3 a.m.

Plumage: Wilted

Song: "What's your name again?"

Name: Worm-eating Warbler

Habitat: Sidetrack on showtunes night

Plumage: Stain resistant

Song: "Whatever Ethel Merman is singing, honey"

Name: Little Bustard

Habitat: Never where he/she says he/she will be

Plumage: Bright and sassy

Song: "I would have called, but I lost your number"

Name: Greater Flamingo

Habitat: On stage at The Baton, under a spotlight

Plumage: Fabulous

Song: Anything by Liza Minnelli

Name: Lesser Flamingo

Habitat: Same as above

Plumage: Same as above

Song: Anything by Lorna Luft

Name: Wandering Albatross

Habitat: Anywhere his/her ex-lover is

Plumage: Whatever color is least attractive to his/her ex-lover

Song: "The restraining order expired a week ago."

Name: Somber Tit

Habitat: Michigan Womyn's Music Fest

Plumage: Covered in hemp fabric and mock leather

Song: "Is there any meat in this?"

Name: Whip-poor-will

Habitat: Following the IML circuit

Plumage: Black and blue

Song: "Ouch."

Name: Common Snipe

Habitat: On the telephone

Plumage: Bitter green

Song: "Can you believe how FAT she is?"

Name: Red-rumped Swallow

Habitat: I really wouldn't know

Plumage: None

Song: "I'm a bottom."

Name: Great Spotted Woodpecker

Habitat: In the waiting room of a public health clinic

Plumage: Drippy

Song: "Do I need a prescription for this?'

Name: House Wren

Habitat: A bungalow in Oak Park

Plumage: Splattered with Gerber's strained carrots

Song: "My water just broke."

Name: Pectoral Sandpiper

Habitat: Herring Cove Beach in Provincetown

Plumage: Tanned and packed into a Speedo

Song: "Is it time to go to the Tea Dance?"


This article shared 2122 times since Wed Jun 23, 2004
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