Windy City Media Group Frontpage News

THE VOICE OF CHICAGO'S GAY, LESBIAN, BI, TRANS AND QUEER COMMUNITY SINCE 1985

home search facebook twitter join
Gay News Sponsor Windy City Times 2022-06-08
DOWNLOAD ISSUE
Donate

Sponsor
Sponsor

  NIGHTSPOTS

Dateland
by Jennifer Parello
2006-11-29

This article shared 2487 times since Wed Nov 29, 2006
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email


i kids! Time to play another edition of the Lesbian Etiquette Game. Remember, there are no right answers-only wrong ones.

1 ) You and your girlfriend are at the grocery store, filling your cart with empty calories to reinforce your recent weight gain. Neither of you has showered in days and your limp hair is encased in a hideous cap your grandma knitted for you in sixth grade. Suddenly, you spot your ex-girlfriend—the love of your life, looking her glamorous best. Before you can abandon your cart and flee the store, she calls your name. How do you react?

a. Pat your bloated tummy and tell her that you're still working on loosing the baby weight. ( When she demands photographic evidence of your new infant, pull a photo of your 20-year-old niece from your wallet and claim that she's big for her age. )

b. Wave your hands wildly and speak in a phony foreign language. Make repeated mentions of Albania and fear of deportation.

c. Do not acknowledge your new girlfriend, who is standing at your side and looking even more ragtag than you. When your ex requests an introduction, tell her your girlfriend's name and then ask your girlfriend to fetch something in the bread aisle. As soon as your girlfriend is out of earshot, explain to your ex that she's the maid.

2 ) You have been invited to spend the weekend at your girlfriend's family home. When you arrive, her mother puts you in separate bedrooms. Later that night, your girlfriend's mother catches you sneaking into her daughter's room. What do you say?

a. 'I can't find my adult diapers in my bag. I'm just going to take a peak in your daughter's suitcase. I'd hate to have an accident on your lovely flannel sheets.'

b. 'Perhaps I misunderstood you. I know you don't want us to sleep in the same room, but you never said anything about having sex.'

c. 'Oops, wrong room. I wasn't planning on sneaking into your daughter's room. I meant to sneak into your room.' Then raise your eyebrows suggestively.

3 ) You have been selected to represent lesbians on your company's diversity task force. You are required to draft a list of demands for management. What do you request?

a. Hire more of those lady-executive types who barely disguise a raw, animal sensuality beneath layers of carefully pressed linen and expensively coiffed hair.

b. Paid family leave to spend time with neurotic cats suffering from separation anxiety and a generous pet health insurance plan.

c. Replace instructional posters on boosting productivity with life-sized photos of Grace Kelly, Ingrid Bergman, and Kristen Scott Thomas.

4 ) You finally work up the nerve to ask out a girl you've had a crush on for years. Amazingly, she accepts your invitation to meet at a cabaret club. She shows up at the bar with another woman whom she introduces as her girlfriend. What do you do?

a. Get drunk and strike a provocative pose on top of the piano. Command the piano player to perform songs of unrequited love and sing along while staring pointedly at your crush.

b. When the waiter takes your drink order, politely ask if yours comes with a side of arsenic. If it doesn't, request a razor blade.

c. Ignore the existence of the girlfriend. Place your hand on your crush's thigh. Shove your tongue down her throat. Request a sappy love song and gaze meaningfully into her eyes. When the crush's girlfriend protests, look confused and ask your crush why she decided to bring her maid along on the date.


This article shared 2487 times since Wed Nov 29, 2006
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email

  ARTICLES YOU MIGHT LIKE

Gay News

Chicago announces lineups for Marquee Fall Music Festivals 2022-07-30
-- From a press release - CHICAGO—Mayor Lori E. Lightfoot and the Department of Cultural Affairs and Special Events (DCASE) announced today music lineups and expanded date information for three of the City of Chicago's most ...


Gay News

Russian trial for Brittney Griner to begin July 1 2022-06-27
- More than four months after she was arrested at a Moscow airport for alleged cannabis possession, a Russian court has set the start date for the trial of U.S. basketball star Brittney Griner for Friday, July ...


Gay News

MUSIC Ty Herndon releasing 'personal' album 'Jacob' on July 15 2022-05-13
- Out gay Grammy-nominated and Dove Award-winning country artist Ty Herndon announced the release date of his forthcoming album, Jacob. Jacob—called Herndon's "most personal album to date"—will be out July 15. ...


Gay News

'LGBT Milwalkee' project earns first round of funding 2022-05-06
-- From a press release. LGBT Milwaukee history video below - Milwaukee, WI. - Thanks to generous financial support, the LGBT MILWALKEE project has achieved its first round of fundraising goals and will launch a local walking tour app on Thursday, June 1. "To date, we've received ...


Gay News

Inaugural 'River North Live' taking place June 24-26 2022-05-06
- River North Residents Association announced that its annual festival, formerly Taste of River North, will return with a new venue, date and concept for 2022. Taking place June 24-26, River North Live will feature world-class artists ...


Gay News

MUSIC Lil Nas X reveals dates for his first-ever tour 2022-04-26
- Grammy-winning, multi-platinum-selling queer rapper Lil Nas X will embark on his first-ever traveling show—the "Long Live Montero" tour—this fall in North America and Europe, according to Variety. The North American leg kicks off at The Fillmore ...


Gay News

Bisexual comedian Hannah Einbinder ('Hacks') now at The Den on July 15 2022-04-13
- Bisexual comedian/actress Hannah Einbinder has announced a new date for her stand-up engagement at The Den Theatre, 1331 N. Milwaukee Ave. Originally scheduled to perform on Friday, June 17, Einbinder will now appear Friday, July 15, ...


Gay News

Announcing Trans Bodies, Trans Selves Second Edition, Release Date: April 15, 2022 2022-03-31
-- From a press release - NEW YORK CITY, New York, March 31, 2022—The Trans Bodies, Trans Selves board is proud to announce the release of Trans Bodies, Trans Selves' second edition, published April 15, 2022. The Trans Bodies Trans Selvessecond edition ...


Gay News

'Tosca' at Lyric Opera House on select dates through April 10 2022-03-15
- Puccini's Tosca will run at the Lyric Opera House, 20 N. Wacker Dr., on select dates through Sunday, April 10. Performance dates are March 15, 18, 23 and 26 as well as April 3, 7 and 10. The work brings together ...


Gay News

Lady Gaga announces new tour dates, will stop in Chicago on Aug. 15 2022-03-07
- After having to reschedule due to COVID, Lady Gaga announced new dates for her Chromatica Ball summer tour, Variety noted. The singer announced the 15 stops via Twitter; the dates start July 17 and will continue ...


Gay News

New date announced for trans comedian River Butcher's performance 2022-03-04
- Comedian River Butcher has announced a new date for his spring stand-up engagement at The Den Theatre. Butcher, originally scheduled to perform Friday, March 11, will now appear Saturday, April 9, at 7:30 p.m. on The ...


Gay News

Catching up with out singer Chaz Cardigan in Chicago 2022-02-27
- Rising pop singing sensation Chaz Cardigan is finally out on the road after rescheduling tour dates during the pandemic. This out and proud queer musician represents a new generation of artists who never hid who they ...


Gay News

THEATER Bayless, Rubenstein to join 'A Recipe for Disaster' on select dates 2022-02-10
- James Beard Award-winning Chef Rick Bayless and Windy City Playhouse Artistic Director Amy Rubenstein announced they will join the cast of their hit immersive production A Recipe For Disaster, written by Bayless, Rubenstein and Windy City ...


Gay News

THEATER 'Lookingglass Alice' to run April 30-July 31 2022-02-04
- Lookingglass Theatre Company, 821 N. Michigan Ave., announced new dates for the return of the production of Lookingglass Alice, as performances for the circus-infused spectacle will now run April 30-July 31. Lookingglass Alice, inspired by Lewis ...


Gay News

Fahrenheit postpones gala 2022-02-03
- It is with great regret that I inform you that Lorde, Rustin & Bates (LRB) has postponed the Art & Soul Salon and Sneaker Gala scheduled for Saturday, Feb. 12, 2022 to a new date scheduled ...


 



Copyright © 2022 Windy City Media Group. All rights reserved.
Reprint by permission only. PDFs for back issues are downloadable from
our online archives. Single copies of back issues in print form are
available for $4 per issue, older than one month for $6 if available,
by check to the mailing address listed below.

Return postage must accompany all manuscripts, drawings, and
photographs submitted if they are to be returned, and no
responsibility may be assumed for unsolicited materials.
All rights to letters, art and photos sent to Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago
Gay and Lesbian News and Feature Publication) will be treated
as unconditionally assigned for publication purposes and as such,
subject to editing and comment. The opinions expressed by the
columnists, cartoonists, letter writers, and commentators are
their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay,
Lesbian, Bisexual and Transegender News and Feature Publication).

The appearance of a name, image or photo of a person or group in
Nightspots (Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times
(a Chicago Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender News and Feature
Publication) does not indicate the sexual orientation of such
individuals or groups. While we encourage readers to support the
advertisers who make this newspaper possible, Nightspots (Chicago
GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay, Lesbian
News and Feature Publication) cannot accept responsibility for
any advertising claims or promotions.

 
 

TRENDINGBREAKINGPHOTOS







Sponsor
Sponsor


 

Sponsor


Donate


About WCMG      Contact Us      Online Front  Page      Windy City  Times      Nightspots
Identity      BLACKlines      En La Vida      Archives      Advanced Search     
Windy City Queercast      Queercast Archives     
Press  Releases      Join WCMG  Email List      Email Blast      Blogs     
Upcoming Events      Todays Events      Ongoing Events      Bar Guide      Community Groups      In Memoriam     
Privacy Policy     

Windy City Media Group publishes Windy City Times,
The Bi-Weekly Voice of the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Trans Community.
5315 N. Clark St. #192, Chicago, IL 60640-2113 • PH (773) 871-7610 • FAX (773) 871-7609.