I read recently that money-related issues are the most frequent cause of arguments between couples. I was stunned by this news because in the three years that I've been in a relationship with my Lady Friend we've never once fought about money. I think the reason why we've never argued about money is because money is a very important issue. And my Lady Friend and I are only interested in fighting about very stupid stuff.
We like to have at least one argument a week. We find that regular yelling helps keep our relationship interesting. As a side benefit, our raised voices intimidate the pets and keep them from thinking that our regime would be easily toppled by a furry coup d' etat.
Most of our fights are about one of the following issues (sometimes a combination of all three if we're feeling particularly feisty):
1) Whose bright idea was it to get a dog?
2) Whose bright idea was it to let me install a toilet?
3) Whose bright idea was it to invite my parents to dinner?
My favorite argument occurs only once a year. It always takes place on the evening of the Academy Awards. Here's how it goes:
Me (watching as the actresses walk the red carpet): If Julianne Moore shows up at our doorstep one day, can I sleep with her?
Lady Friend: No!
Me: Why not?
Lady Friend: Are you saying that you are in love Julianne Moore?
Me (hesitating): Can you define what you mean by 'in love'?
Lady Friend (really mad): That's it! I'm leaving.
Me (sulky): OK, I won't sleep with Julianne Moore. I don't think it's fair, though. Especially since she traveled all that way just to sleep with me.
Lady Friend (returns to her chair): Thank you.
Me: What about Catherine Zeta Jones?
It's important to note that my Lady Friend has given me permission to sleep with certain actresses if the opportunity presents itself. They include:
1) French actresses. My Lady Friend figures that my feelings of hostility toward the French will override my attraction to the actress and I will send her packing before she has a chance to engage me in foreign kissing.
2) Dead actresses. Of all actresses, dead actresses are the least likely to show up at our home. And if they do, their smell might discourage my ardor.
3) Kristen Scott Thomas. The only reason why she'd be welcome in our home is because my Lady Friend would also like to sleep with her. Of course, we'd have to wrestle for her. But that would only take us to a whole new, exciting level of fighting. And isn't sharing mutual interests and mining opportunities for emotional growth the foundation of any good relationship?