Dear President Bush:
You once said in one of your speeches ( I have them all on tape! ) that if a person isn't part of the solution, than he/she is part of the problem. Actually, I believe your quote was: 'If you are in a solution, than you've got yourself a problem.' ( I once fell into a vat of dry-cleaning solution, so I know exactly what you're talking about! )
Any way you phrase it, I couldn't agree more!
And that's why I'm writing you, sir. I want to be part of the solution!
You have had your hands full lately, what with Karl Rove exploding ( I hope none of it got on your nice suit ) and Iraq. ( Sir, you may want to look into why Iraq is allowed to use the letter 'q' in its name without also using a 'u'. Isn't there a law that says you can't use a 'q' unless it's followed by a 'u'? Hmmmm? Maybe you can use that as your justification for killing all those people over there. Let's see Cindy Sheehan try to argue with that! ) The last thing you need at the moment is a fight over your Supreme Court nominee.
That's where I come in. I am writing to suggest that you nominate my Lady Friend as the next associate justice of the Supreme Court. I have outlined her qualifications for the position below. ( You can simply tear off the bottom of this page and submit it to the judicial committee as my Lady Friend's official application. If they request more information, tell them 'Bite me.' You are allowed to say that! You are the president! )
Here are my Lady Friend's qualifications to be on the Supreme Court:
1. She's not a judge, but she is very judgmental! Just this morning, she scrunched up her face and said, 'You're not going to wear that to work, are you?' She sounded exactly like my mother, and I couldn't have been more impressed or intimidated.
2. She is 100 percent in favor of the death penalty. Currently, I am appealing the death sentence she has handed down on one of our cats, who has been charged with peeing on the bed once too often. Yesterday, she pointed accusingly at a large spot on the bed and refused to believe my defense that it was me, and not the cat, who wet the bed.
3. I have no idea what her views are on abortion. But 've never witnessed her being mean to a baby. She's never slapped one or called it names. Once, though, when we were babysitting her nieces, she said the 'f' word in front of them and they clutched their little chests and gasped in horror. And then they repeated the word every chance they got.
4. She looks great in black. Picture Julie Andrews if she never married Captain Von Trapp and stayed in the convent.
I realize the fact that she's a lesbian may give you slight pause. But, like so many lesbians, she's a lesbian only in theory, and not in practice. ( Believe me! Sigh. )
Mr. President, it's time to ditch those dreary Christian Conservatives for your true base-lesbians. Ask any lesbian you know ( Condi, Karen Hughes, your mom ) her opinion about 'bush.' I think you'll be pleasantly surprised!
