Actor/writer/producer Dan Bucatinsky has penned Does This Baby Make Me Look Straight?—a funny, touching account of the daily adventures he has braved with his husband, producer Don Roos, as they set out to adopt and raise two children, Eliza, 7, and Jonah, 4.
Bucatinsky's credits include the Showtime series Web Therapy, produced with Roos and his business partner, actress Lisa Kudrow. Bucatinsky also plays a recurring character on the new Shonda Rhimes ABC series Scandal. He and his family live in Los Angeles.
Windy City Times: What parenting challenge did the kids present for you this morning?
Dan Bucatinsky: This morning, Eliza had to find her library book. I got a note from the school: It was due May 23. So we looked at the calendar and we counted out how many days it was actually late. And we had to go find the library book. And Jonah was not getting himself dressed, in typical school-day fashion. Each one of them has a task that takes a lot of prodding to get it done. This morning was fun.
WCT: You and Don present a new definition of "family" to many people. Do you feel in some way there actually is no difference between your family and any other?
Dan Bucatinsky: For the most part … the experience of waking up every day and getting the kids up, and getting them fed, and making their lunch, driving them to school—that day-to-day experience really is, I'm sure, quite identical to every other family in America, and maybe in the world, who have kids. …
WCT: But there are exceptions, I imagine.
Dan Bucatinsky: There are those days where another child will ask your kid, "Where's your mommy?" Or a grownup will tap us on the shoulder on an airplane and ask, "Where's the kids' mommy?" Or you'll just get looked at differently. … I feel like we can walk around and be an example to those who've never seen it before. … I often feel like there's a real opportunity there, which certainly my book does as well, which is to put out there a portrayal of a couple and a portrayal of a family that, for all intents and purposes, is so specific, and yet so universal, I hope.
WCT: But when you run across these moments of curiosity, is there anything that aggravates you?
Dan Bucatinsky: I had a period of time where I was very defensive about it. I resented the questions and I resented some people's close-minded assumptions. … The fact is, [Eliza and Jonah have] two loving parents. They both happen to be guys. …
I always love hearing Eliza's description of the way she was born because it's so simple. She knows that she grew in the womb of another woman [Monica] who always knew from the very beginning that the baby was going to be ours. And it's true, she chose us. And to her [Eliza], it feels very logical. She [Monica] grew this baby in her tummy and then the baby was Daddy and Papi's. …
WCT: Knowing what you know now about all the challenges of being a parent, is there anything you would do differently about starting a family if you were going to start now?
Dan Bucatinsky: You are, in fact, benefiting greatly from what can potentially be the saddest day in another woman's life and the happiest day in yours. And I wish, I guess, when I was in the middle of it and I felt like there was still a possibility that she could change her mind, or there was the possibility this baby was not going to wind up in our home, all the fear and anxiety—in hindsight, I wish I had sort of braved through it more and felt more confident that we were going to wind up with the family we were meant to have. But, again, only the extremes of going through it successfully gives you that confidence. So, … if I were to do it all over again, I think I would have to do it exactly the same way.
WCT: So you and the children are still in touch with Monica, the birth mother?
Dan Bucatinsky: No, not all the time. And the kids aren't any more, really. Although on birthdays and stuff. She calls on their birthdays and they hop on the phone with her. And we text with her and we send photos. We are in touch. I'd say light touch.
WCT: What do you wish to say to LBGT folks who are contemplating becoming parents?
Dan Bucatinsky: I feel there are so many babies in this world and there are so many children in foster care, that if someone feels the impulse to be a parent, I absolutely encourage everyone who wants to, to become one because there's a need. And if there's a need and a want on the part of the parent, then it's a perfect match.
WCT: What is the most encouraging thing you learn from people you encounter when they've read your book or know that you're parenting children with Don?
Dan Bucatinsky: I feel very proud because, at the end of the day, you set out just to be honest, truthful, open. Certainly, in writing the book, I didn't set out to have a giant message or to teach. I'm not a parenting expert. I just want to connect. And when, in fact, I have, especially with those I didn't predict I would connect with, it's very encouraging.
WCT: Have you and Don considered expanding your family?
Dan Bucatinsky: You know, there were moments. But we're definitely happy with the two that we have. We became parents a little later in life. I think if we were in our 20s, we probably would expand, but two kids with two grownups, that's a good ratio.
WCT: So what's your greatest joy in parenting?
Dan Bucatinsky: I have these moments where I realize how unique and special—they're developing into their own people. Those are moments of absolute, total wonder as a parent that I couldn't have prepared for. … There are a lot of the most simple little things that happen on a day-to-day basis, so those are the things that I am usually the most dazzled by.
Review
From the opening salvo offered by Eliza, his earnest 5-year-old daughter, as she sat on the toilet prompting her dad to smell her fingers, Bucatinsky pulls us into funny, touching and honest encounters with his children. (Jonah is the counterpoint to Eliza.) Bucatinsky struggles with what it is to be a parent (very little different from the challenges of any parent, as it turns out), and how parenthood changes his own perceptions of himself.
These pages are filled with everyday struggles penned with wit and in a neighbor-next-door voice that makes you like the author right off the bat. Bucatinsky starts with him and his partner, Don Roos, struggling through picking a proper birth mom for the baby they hope to adopt and chopping through the legal process until they get there. That painful odyssey brought them Eliza and a few years later, Jonah (from the same birth mom).
On the announcement their first child was to be a girl, Bucatinsky was delighted. He realized he could go shopping for dresses with a girl. When Jonah's impending arrival was announced, he was a little wary. Jonah might turn out to be straight, and straight boys had tortured him as a child. Would he be able to love a straight boy child, he wondered? Happily, the answer is a resounding yes.
Bucatinsky honestly discusses the landmines of two competitive parents in a relationship where the kids play favorites from time to time. He shows us how he and Roos have dealt with the persistent question of "Where's your mommy?"
We meet the loving family and friends that become Bucatinsky's support system and, in one touching chapter, how he has dealt with the death of his own father.
You couldn't find a more charming portrayal of two people struggling through the complicated scenario of parenting.
