This column is part of a series that addresses issues frequently affecting gay and lesbian ( as well as many opposite-sex ) relationships. Written by a professional counselor with vignettes based on real people and situations, the series is meant to help support couples through developmental stages and common difficulties.
An Affair to Dismember
Kenny and Lars had been together for five pretty happy years. As far as Lars knew, Kenny had been as faithful as Lars had been throughout their relationship. But Lars was mistaken.
Kenny assured his closest friends, who knew of his occasional dalliances, that these extracurricular activities had no impact on his feelings for Lars, did not undermine their relationship in any way, and in fact helped their relationship by affording Kenny an outlet for his roving eye and somewhat unusual sexual tastes, which Lars did not share.
One such dalliance had turned into a kind of "same time next year" event that happened when Kenny would attend an annual, out-of-town work conference. Kenny had met Lyle there three years ago and they felt an instant mutual attraction. Since both had solid relationships with partners back home, Kenny and Lyle felt like their affair was "safe" for all concerned.
This year, however, was different. Lyle's previously solid relationship with his partner had been shaky lately, and his enthusiasm for Kenny was more intense than ever before. Kenny felt himself respond with more passion than he had felt for anyone, including his lover, in years.
A month later, Lars had his own work conference to attend, and Kenny invited Lyle to come for a visit while Lars was out of town. Lyle agreed. Kenny's friends were frantic. Kenny continued to insist that no damage would be done.
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The red flags are so plentiful here that the sky is crimson.
Even if Kenny's episodes with other men were not affecting his feelings for Lars ( doubtful ) or somehow helping their relationship ( very doubtful ) , and lying about them was necessary to hang onto Lars ( not fair ) , the illicit invitation breaks the poor, overworked camel's back.
It doesn't take a sixth sense to see what's coming. Minimally, very big drama. Probably, an excruciating breakup. Maybe not right away, but it's coming.
If you've ever watched soap operas, you know that the most common themes-;aside from general angst and bouts of amnesia—involve people lying, betraying each other's trust, and kidding themselves. There's a reason for this. These are the behaviors most likely to ensure a lengthy, tumultuous, complicated story line, which is the meat-and-potatoes of the soap industry.
Complication and turmoil may be what viewers want in their soaps, but few of us really want them in our lives. Kenny, Lars, and Lyle are knee-deep in potential disaster, though some might say that the disaster has already happened. Others, like Kenny, might argue that, hey, nobody's getting hurt, everything's under control, what's the problem?
Even putting aside the substantial ethical concerns about what's "right" and "fair" in this situation, the problem is already huge. Lies are deadly to a relationship. Deadly. True, some couples keep secrets from each other their whole lives and their relationships last forever. But so does the secret. So does the lie. Even if the truth never comes out ( from one of Kenny's friends, for instance ) , the distance the lie creates only gets bigger over time.
With that kind of distance, intimacy becomes impossible.
Which may be exactly the point. Some people really can't deal with intimacy. And who can blame them? Being close to someone opens us up to be hurt. It can make us feel vulnerable, dependent, and ridiculously hopeful. It kicks up our longing to be understood, as well as our fear that if someone really sees who we are, they won't like it. They'll disapprove. They'll laugh. Or they'll leave.
Or they'll stay and make us miserable for the rest of our lives with their criticism or their moodiness. Or perhaps—as may be the situation here—their goodness and loyalty will drive us over the edge. When we're scared to get close to someone, virtually anything can make us shake in our boots.
At first glance, it may seem that Kenny is just trying, like many have before him, to have his cake and eat it too—to have the security of a long-term relationship and the freedom to do anything else with anyone else he damn well chooses. Not to dismiss this possibility out of hand, but often, this kind of "freedom-loving rogue" would rather be seen as simply selfish and hurtful than what he really is: painfully terrified of getting too close to another person.
If Kenny truly wants to maintain his relationship with Lars, he should run, not walk, to the best therapist in town. He undoubtedly has some issues to work through, though he probably doesn't think so. But once Kenny starts working on himself and his fears, he may be able to resolve them to the point where he can truly settle in with a lover and experience a different kind of freedom—the kind that only comes from a connection in which both people are able to be themselves, no masks, no lies, no hiding.
Please e-mail questions or ideas for columns to paulajean@msn.com . Paula Walowitz, M.A., LPC, is a counselor in private practice who works with couples and individuals. She can be reached at 773-293-3688.