"Hello. This is C.J."
"Hello C.J. This is Trevor. Well, Trevor is my Earth bound name, but you can call me Axis."
"Okay. What can I do for you Axis?"
"Well, I'm looking for a massage of course, but beyond that I'm looking to go on a spiritual journey with you. I'd like to bring some of my crystals along for their potent healing energies."
"Sure. How do you plan to incorporate them into a massage? Are you suggesting something like a hot stone massage but with crystals?"
"I just want to place them strategically around the room; crystal feng shui if you will. I also have my own blessed oil blend I would like to bring."
"Ok. I have a few other clients that bring their own oil or cream. As far as the crystals, feel free to bring them and place in the spots that would best utilize their energy."
"Great. Can you fit me in for tomorrow at 5 p.m.?"
"I'll see you at five tomorrow afternoon." And with that I gave him my address and went on with my day.
The next day Axis showed up on time with bells on, literally. He was thin with long hair separated into two thick braids, large round glasses with orange-tinted lenses, a green tunic, white linen pants and Birkenstock sandals with tiny bells attached to the straps. He was textbook.
"So before we get started I'd like to spread some crystals around the room." He then pulled a handful of various sized crystals out of a burlap sack and proceeded to place them around my apartment. After he was finished correcting the energy in my secular den he unclothed himself down to what appeared to be a linen diaper then hopped face down onto my massage table.
"Can you feel the positive purple energy passing through me to you and then around the room? It's free of malice, cynicism, alcohol or anything that corrupts the soul." Confused and under the impression that alcohol was food for the soul I panicked.
"It does feel nice in here. I finally got the temp right considering all the climate change lately." I didn't know what to say.
"No, I mean the spiritual energy."
"Sure. It feels very purpley in here," I complied.
"Yes, thats what I'm talking about." He bought my lies.
When there was about ten minutes left of the massage he rolled over and asked if I would hum with him during the last few minutes. Cringing on the inside I said yes. I've also never wanted a cocktail so much in my life. I hummed as he'd asked until the massage was over. When finished he sat upright stretching his arms up in the air, then grabbed his braids and pulled on them then stretched his arms out in front of him before hopping off my table and getting dressed.
"This was a wonderful journey" he said with a smile on his face. He then gathered up his crystals. I followed him to the door and he gave me a hug that lasted an hour too long.
"Thanks for the healing," he said and was out the door. I closed the door behind him and locked it. As I walked toward my massage table to put it away I stepped on a crystal. I stepped on it hard and yelled a few obscenities about flaky hippies.
Axis, nay Trevor, called me a few more times for appointments but I was always too busy to take him. A secular life is hard to keep up with.