"Hi. Is this C.J?"
"It is. How are you and what can I help you with today?"
"I'm good, but I have a question about your services. "
"Do you know what a looner is?"
"It sounds like a large bird or a crazy person but I'm guessing it's neither."
"A looner is a balloon fetishist."
"Okay. I think I may have heard about this. I didn't know it had a name though."
"Everything has a name. So what I want to know is if you can facilitate this for me. Oh, and may I put you on speaker. We're alone."
I hesitated then said it was fine.
"Sure. I really focus on massage, not fetishes, but please go on." I was transfixed as if I were having a conversation with the Holy Grail of fetishists. I needed to learn more.
"Looners enjoy blowing up balloons then rubbing them, sitting on them and some enjoy popping them. We also enjoy watching others we find attractive, such as yourself, perform these various actions. Personally, I'm a popper. I get off on the eventual popping of the balloon which is where you would come in."
This was the part where I would usually say thanks for the interest but this really is not my thing. I would then mention something about a fear of caustic sounds such as gunfire, bag pipes or the consistent popping of balloons. Immediately after hanging up I would call any friend who would listen to my story. This time I decided to stay in the conversation and poke the balloon.
"In what way would I come in?"
"You would be stationed a few feet away from me and fully clothed. I'm sure that eases your mind." It didn't.
"I would also be clothed. We would both be rubbing balloons simultaneously but after a few minutes you would pop your balloon. I would then hand you mine and you would pop it. You will always be the one to pop the balloon."
"How many balloons are we talking about?"
I thought I heard him rubbing something in the background.
"I enjoy going through at least one whole bag, maybe two. It depends."
I pictured myself ending up like any of the foolish Looney Tunes characters after Bugs Bunny played their heads with a pair of giant symbols, bouncing away surrounded in cartoon vibrations like a shell-shocked soldier after wartime.
"Doesn't the popping sound become a little much after a while?"
"Not for looners who are poppers it doesn't."
At that moment I heard the loud popping sound of one balloon right after the other over the phone. I jumped, dropping my cell then scrambled to pick it back up before losing the call.
"Uh, are you still there?"
"Hey. Wow. Sorry about that. I just wanted to see how your voice coupled up with that of the balloon's. So, are you in?"