Long before people were getting murdered on Craigslist I advertised in the therapeutic and erotic services sections quite often. It was cheap and had a broad client base in every city across America. However, Craigslist clientele were always the dirtiest when it came to their requests. No matter how adamant you were on the phone or email about not having sex for money they always gave it a shot with the gall of a horny teenager once you were in the same room.
"Could you just massage the tip with your tongue for a minute?"
"I'm flattered but, I'm going to have to pass."
"What if I throw in an extra fifty bucks."
"As I mentioned on the phone, I don't suck dick or fuck for money. And just for the record, fifty dollars is a real insult."
"How about you give me a prostate massage?"
"I only massage the outside of the body."
"My dick is on the outside."
"That's good. Now where is your edit button?"
"You give nude massages for a living but you won't give head?"
"Think of it as a lap dance. I touch you but you don't touch me and I don't give you head, etcetera. I don't want every other session turning into a crap shoot for syphilis."
One of the oddest Craigslist requests came from a gentleman who wanted both a massage and a shave. I took the appointment assuming he meant his face but when he arrived he asked me to shave his balls and I so I did. Yes, I did. If the Guinness Book of World Records had a biggest hairy balls prize this bull would've been a real contender. It took over half the hour to finish. The memory of this fifty year old man pulling his legs back while I shaved his enormous ball sack still makes me shudder.
Unlike the massage-specific sites, Craigslist clientele would continuously hurl the most random requests at me. One of the more unhygienic requests was from an attractive dean of a private catholic school.
"Instead of oil or lotion which both tend to get sticky, will you spit in your hands and use that as lubricant for the massage?"
At the time I was going through a pothead phase and didn't think I'd have enough saliva to go around so I just brought a tiny squirt bottle that I pulled out once he was stomach down on the table. I'd squirt a little in my hands, make the spit sound then start massaging. Before he turned over I emptied the rest in my mouth, hid the bottle and was good with saliva for ten minutes. And most of that went towards an ending. With so many odd requests flying at me, this one didn't seem so strange, but in retrospect, it would've been pretty gross had I actually spit on him for an hour.
A few weeks after the spit session the first Craigslist Killer was arrested and so I decided to retire from Craigslist and stick to the massage-specific sites. In an already off-beat vocation these clientele just seemed a bit more restrained. Or so I thought.
