Windy City Media Group Frontpage News

THE VOICE OF CHICAGO'S GAY, LESBIAN, BI, TRANS AND QUEER COMMUNITY SINCE 1985

home search facebook twitter join
Gay News Sponsor Windy City Times 2023-12-13
DOWNLOAD ISSUE
Donate

Sponsor
Sponsor
Sponsor

  WINDY CITY TIMES

Couples connecting: The Faux Romance
Special to the online edition of Windy City Times
by Bruce Koff, LCSW
2009-05-27

This article shared 2850 times since Wed May 27, 2009
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email


In the past few columns, I've written about various attributes of healthy relationships. I've noted the unique courage of same-sex couples, the profound honesty of such icons as Christopher Isherwood and Don Bachardy, and even constructive ways to establish open relationships. I've not devoted much time, however, to looking at unhealthy relationships. Here, then, are some thoughts on one type of unhealthy relationship that I suspect is commonly experienced.

Relationships can go off track in so many ways, but I think the greatest risk for many LGBTQ folks lies in our varied responses to fear, especially our fear of rejection. It's no surprise, really. Getting rejected at any age is pretty rough, but getting rejected as a gay child can be overwhelming. Not only does our tender age ill-equip us for dealing with this, but the rejection we experience is often amplified by ostracism, ridicule, harassment, humiliation, violence and shame. Our families aren't always good sources of support when such events occur, and some may actually contribute to the problem. Flooded by these experiences, many of us develop remarkably creative strategies to insure that no one will reject us, and we carry these strategies into our adulthood. As adults, we therefore forge relationships that are organized more by the fear of rejection than the courage of closeness. We are safe in them, but we are not truly present. Over the years, some of my clients have named this pattern of relationships "The Faux Romance." As its name implies, The Faux Romance is no more real than an Italian countryside painted on a wall. It fades with time and lacks dimension, but it tricks us into believing, at least for a moment, that something is really there.

You may know the Faux Romance in various forms. Here are a few I've known:

The Fantasy

The Fantasy relationship takes place within our own mind and is never expressed to the other. Many of us, for example, have surely had the experience of falling madly and silently for someone who is straight, not interested, or otherwise completely unavailable. Perhaps it's someone we work with, live near, or see on the train every morning. The Fantasy relationship, however, becomes an obsession. Fearing that person will reject us or worse, we love them from afar. We never share our desire with our object no matter how tempting; we dare not break the spell. In our heads, however, we carry on, measuring the tone of "hello" and "goodbye," watching for the slightest indication of flirtation, and sensitive to the faintest hint of rejection. In perpetual awe and angst, we dream of that person without their knowledge. In control of our own fantasy, we are never truly rejected. We deceive no one, of course, but ourselves.

The Illusion

The Illusion relationship looks like something real, but isn't very real at all. Two people may go out together, have sex with each other, and even live together, but without any real intimacy. The couple will consistently avoid conflict or difficult conversations, hold secrets from each other, and even maintain illusory relationships with others at the same time. Sometimes, it may feel as though one partner has cast another in his/her play. The script is already written; everyone just has to play their part. The Illusion provides a performance of intimacy obtained through the routine physical presence of another, or by simply maintaining appearances. As a result, we don't have to feel lonely or rejected; we just have to agree to not do or discuss anything that could shatter the illusion. In fact, we are not really there.

The Deal

In this variation of the Faux Romance, the Deal is pretty simple: one partner compensates another with money, material goods, and/or increased socio-economic status. In exchange, the other agrees not to leave. One fosters financial dependency and, in the process, perhaps even impairs a partner's emotional strength. In this way, we play out a fantasy of commitment and love, when in fact we've simply purchased rejection insurance. It's a raw deal based on a kind of control, and it banishes truth. We may act as if money and all that it can buy have no bearing on the relationship at all, but it is truly the black hole that holds another person in place.

Though these strategies may be unhealthy, it is important to remember that they come from our healthy, albeit thwarted longing to love and be loved. We are simply trying to find a way to connect and still feel safe from rejection and loss. Ultimately, these strategies fail, for the surest path for overcoming those massive fears instilled in us in childhood is to be loved beyond our defenses and strategies, beyond our facades and plays. When we can courageously embrace the possibility of rejection rather than try to manage it, we prepare ourselves for love. The Faux Romance, in all its forms, lacks the healing grace of being loved and accepted for who we truly are. It is, therefore, better left alone.

Bruce Koff, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and COO of Live Oak, a group of psychotherapists and consultants who provide counseling and educational services that enhance the emotional and psychological well being of individuals, families, organizations and communities. Bruce specializes in clinical practice with LGBT individuals and their families. E-mail: bkoff@liveoakchicago.com Web site: www.liveoakchicago.com Blog: www.couplesconnecting.blogspot.com .

Copyright 2009 by Bruce Koff, LCSW


This article shared 2850 times since Wed May 27, 2009
facebook twitter google +1 reddit email

Out and Aging
Presented By

  ARTICLES YOU MIGHT LIKE

Gay News

Thailand parliament passes landmark marriage bill 2024-03-27
- On March 27, Thailand's parliament approved a marriage-equality bill by an overwhelmingly large margin—a landmark step that moves one of Asia's most liberal countries closer to legalizing same-sex unions, media ...


Gay News

NATIONAL Va. marriage bill, AARP, online counseling, Idaho items, late activist 2024-03-21
- Republican Virginia Gov. Glenn Youngkin signed bills protecting same-sex marriages at a state level, surprising some, WRIC reported. The bills—passed out of both chambers along mostly party lines—will require clerks ...


Gay News

Greek legislature approves marriage equality 2024-02-15
- Greece has become the 36th country, and the first Christian Orthodox-majority one, to legalize same-sex marriage. The BBC reported that same-sex couples will now also be legally allowed to adopt children after the 176-76 vote that ...


Gay News

Tenn. legislators back bill that lets officials refuse to perform same-sex weddings 2024-02-15
- Defying a national ruling that authorized marriage equality, Tennessee lawmakers approved a measure that would allow public officials to refuse to perform weddings of same-sex couples, The Hill reported. Tennessee's House Bill 878/Senate Bill 596 says ...


Gay News

WORLD Marriage in Greece, UK politics, cruise death, HRC grants 2024-02-02
- The Holy Synod of the Church of Greece unanimously agreed at a recent meeting that it is "strongly opposed" to the Greek government's promised bill on same-sex marriage and adoption, Balkan Insight reported. The conservative New ...


Gay News

NATIONAL Marriage news, fighting fentanyl, anti-LGBTQ+ crimes, Grindr 2024-02-02
- The Virginia House of Delegates passed a bill that would affirm marriage equality in the state, The Washington Blade noted. House Bill 174, introduced by state Del. Rozia Henson (D-Prince William County), passed in the Democratic-controlled ...


Gay News

WORLD Activist honored, marriages in Estonia, Madrid law, trans sports item 2024-01-05
Video below - The National AIDS Commission (NAC) recently honored Caleb Orozco—a leading figure in the fight for LGBTQ+ rights in Belize—for his instrumental contributions to the national HIV response, BNN reported. According ...


Gay News

Catholic Church allows priests to bless same-sex couples but reaffirms disapproval of gay marriage 2023-12-22
- LGBTQ+ couples can now receive blessings from priests, but the Catholic Church maintained its strict ban on gay marriage, according to a Vatican document approved by Pope Francis Dec. 18. This historic change in doctrine marks ...


Gay News

Greek government vows to back marriage equality 2023-12-22
- Despite opposition from the Church of Greece and within the ruling New Democracy, Greek Prime Minister Kyriakos Mitsotakis' government said it will eventually move to legalize same-sex marriage, The National Herald reported. However, no timetable was ...


Gay News

Dignity/Chicago welcomes new rule on church blessings for same-sex marriages 2023-12-18
--From a press release - Dignity/Chicago, the advocacy organization for LGBTQI Catholics and friends, welcomed the news that the Vatican's doctrinal office has officially declared it possible for Catholic priests to bless same-sex unions and ...


Gay News

New Ways Ministry: Pope's blessings approval is Christmas gift to LGBTQ+ Catholics 2023-12-18
--From a press release - MOUNT RAINIER, Maryland—Statement by Francis DeBernardo, Executive Director, New Ways Ministry: Pope Francis gave LGBTQ+ Catholics an early Christmas gift this year by approving blessings for same-gender couples. The Vatican ...


Gay News

Pope Francis changes policy, allowing priests to bless same-sex unions; GLAAD responds 2023-12-18
--From a press release - GLAAD: "By removing barriers to priests blessing LGBTQ couples, the Pope accurately recognizes that LGBTQ people and our relationships are worthy of the same affirmation and support in the Church, and this strengthens couples in their ...


Gay News

LGBTQ+ couple the first in South Asia to have marriage recognized 2023-11-30
- Transgender woman Maya Gurung and Surendra Pandey became the first LGBTQ+ couple to have their marriage legally recognized in South Asia after they received a legal certificate in Nepal's Lamjung district on Nov. 29, The Guardian ...


Gay News

WORLD Thai marriage law, French bill, Miss Universe, IKEA, activist dies 2023-11-24
- Thailand Prime Minister Srettha Thavisin said that the cabinet approved a draft law on marriage equality and that it would be brought to parliament during a session starting in December, Reuters reported. If the draft law ...


Gay News

Pope: Trans people can be baptized and act as godparents 2023-11-09
- Pope Francis has stated that trans people may be baptized and act as godparents or witnesses to marriage under the same conditions as any other adult—as long as a scandal does not result, according to PinkNews. ...


 


Copyright © 2024 Windy City Media Group. All rights reserved.
Reprint by permission only. PDFs for back issues are downloadable from
our online archives.

Return postage must accompany all manuscripts, drawings, and
photographs submitted if they are to be returned, and no
responsibility may be assumed for unsolicited materials.

All rights to letters, art and photos sent to Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago
Gay and Lesbian News and Feature Publication) will be treated
as unconditionally assigned for publication purposes and as such,
subject to editing and comment. The opinions expressed by the
columnists, cartoonists, letter writers, and commentators are
their own and do not necessarily reflect the position of Nightspots
(Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay,
Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender News and Feature Publication).

The appearance of a name, image or photo of a person or group in
Nightspots (Chicago GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times
(a Chicago Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender News and Feature
Publication) does not indicate the sexual orientation of such
individuals or groups. While we encourage readers to support the
advertisers who make this newspaper possible, Nightspots (Chicago
GLBT Nightlife News) and Windy City Times (a Chicago Gay, Lesbian
News and Feature Publication) cannot accept responsibility for
any advertising claims or promotions.

 
 

TRENDINGBREAKINGPHOTOS







Sponsor


 



Donate


About WCMG      Contact Us      Online Front  Page      Windy City  Times      Nightspots
Identity      BLACKlines      En La Vida      Archives      Advanced Search     
Windy City Queercast      Queercast Archives     
Press  Releases      Join WCMG  Email List      Email Blast      Blogs     
Upcoming Events      Todays Events      Ongoing Events      Bar Guide      Community Groups      In Memoriam     
Privacy Policy     

Windy City Media Group publishes Windy City Times,
The Bi-Weekly Voice of the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Trans Community.
5315 N. Clark St. #192, Chicago, IL 60640-2113 • PH (773) 871-7610 • FAX (773) 871-7609.