Nearly 25 years after his complicated relationship with playwright Tennessee Williams, Tony Narducci decided to write it all down for his memoir, In the Frightened Heart of Me: Tennessee Williams's Last Year.
Working from his memories and a journal that he kept during their yearlong relationship, Narducci said all of the emotions he felt during their relationship became "more intense during the writing process. I felt again what I felt back then, but with more insight. I was able to better understand what had happened between us."
Narducci had spent his youth admiring Williams' work. After a chance meeting, the two struck up a friendship, which eventually came to mean something different to both of the men. "Lately, I've been thinking that he was in love with me," Narducci said. "But I couldn't give him what he needed. I respected and admired him, but I didn't love him."
Instead, Narducci said he wanted to be a friend and a crutch for Williams. "He was half-dead when I met him," Narducci said. "He had dug a hole so deep inside of himself that I didn't think he could get out of it. ... I was young enough to compartmentalize that though. I should have had more compassion for what he was experiencing."
Williams had been plagued with depression and substance abuse throughout his life. Narducci attributed this pain to "a profound sadness from life. He lost the love of his life and his career to some extent. Most of the people he loved were dead, many of them from AIDS."
At the time of their relationship, Narducci said he couldn't understand what Williams was going through. He was just too young and inexperienced in life and loss. "I ignored [his pain]," Narducci said. "I thought he was being dramatic. I didn't understand."
The pair spent considerable time travelling together, a time that Narducci said provided an escape for Williams. "He transformed when we were in a new environment," he said.
An escape was necessary for the duo, especially because their time together was also when AIDS swept the nation, in 1983. "We were both very concerned," Narducci said. "We talked about precautions. He also had a bunch of young men, friends, who helped protect him. That was very helpful."
The staggering glimpse at Williams as a person rather than as a writer formed a different type of relationship between the men than Narducci anticipated. "He had an interesting life. I romanticized him, as I did a lot of writers," Narducci said. "When I saw him as a human being, I thought I would help him."
Unfortunately, there was nothing Narducci could do and Williams died about five months after the pair broke up—something that Narducci said he sees as far more than a coincidence. "I think his heart broke, and that gave me guilt," he said.
Good did come out of their relationship, though. Narducci said his yearlong companionship with Williams had a great effect on his life. "It gave me such an insight into what it's like getting older," he said. As someone who had always aspired to be a filmmaker, he felt he saw the importance of sharing stories to help others learn.
