BY J
When we last left our heroine, she was basking in the glory of her new-found romance with a chocolate cremeux. In the days since then, Muffy Vanderdyk has gorged herself on the love of a vast variety of sweet meats. Each evening she prowls the streets of Chicago looking for the right menu to seduce. Muffy will never again need to feel the violence of heartbreak brought on by the cruel race of woman. Muffy had found the value of a good fudge. Tonight was no exception and Muffy was preparing to find that sweet nectar to fill her hole, her pie-hole.
As Muffy rouged her lips, her new portal to ecstasy, there was a knock at the door. It was Dick Ratchit. Dick is Muffy's oldest friend and she was shaken to see his chiseled face streaked with tears. His linen shirt was rumpled and ripped open exposing his taught pectoral muscles. Dick explained that the Ratchit family had arranged a civil union between Dick and a gentleman from a respectable family in New England. Preparations were being made for society's swankest commitment ceremony of the season. Dick couldn't bear to give himself over to a loveless union. Muffy knew her oral play had to be postponed and grumpily climbed into Dick's carriage to hear all about Dick's improprieties with Raul, the stable boy. Raul was most definitely the inspiration for the Ratchit's nuptial arrangements. Muffy felt for her friend; however, it was nearing nine on Halloween Sunday and, all lust aside, Muffy was just plain hungry.
Dick had driven the carriage randomly downtown and the options were slim. The pair found themselves at the front door of a well-known steakhouse. Muffy was unenthused to say the least and made it a point to let her companion know. Nevertheless, they entered and were promptly greeted by the hostess who led them to their table. On the way, Muffy noticed the girl's feet, shuffling along the floor in a pair of stuffed monkey slippers. Muffy knew that some part of her inner core wanted to be repulsed by this but somehow she found it charming and mildly heartwarming. So, she gave in to it all: Dick's crying, the smell of charcoal, and Midwestern kitsch. Then they met their server, Jonas.
Perhaps to test this situation, Muffy rudely exclaimed, 'Dick wants meat, so we're here!' and their quirky server, Jonas, replied, 'That's usually my line!' This made Muffy laugh. She was in good company. She still had no idea what to order with all the barbeque options, steaks and chops. So both she and Dick took Jonas' recommendation and ordered the filet. They also got broccoli smothered in beer cheese sauce, grilled sweet potatoes with brown sugar butter and garlic mashed spuds. This was the kind of food that makes you feel dirty inside. Muffy would soon find that sometimes it's good to be dirty. She sensed this and added a 'splash' of roasted garlic to her steak, an appetizer of shrimp cocktail and a small bottle of 'champagne'. Dick, for some ungodly reason, ordered a glass of red sangria. He was obviously not feeling well.
Well Muffy's 'champagne' didn't make it to the table until way after her shrimp so Jonas tossed them an extra bottle. This worked to the pair's benefit as Dick's sangria turned out to be a bit 'stinky'. When their entrees hit the table, they dug in and loved every filthy bite. It was stinky, fat comfort food and it was good. When Muffy sampled her grilled sweet potatoes, she found they were ice cold but Jonas was right there to warm them up, and her dampened spirit with them. He was there with wit and smiles and finally … APPLE PIE! Now, by way of filthy comfort food, apple pie should take the cake. Honestly, this one was only OK; honestly, Dick and Muffy didn't care. They were the last two in the dining room being pigs and Jonas was keeping them company.
It was then that Muffy realized she may have missed out on an evening of hot, sultry dining that would leave her Canterbury gown damp with perspiration and a myriad of sauces and sweets but she found herself full and happy and honestly feeling loved.
With each new meal, Muffy learned more and more about the powers that she tapped into and as she and Dick left the Webber Grill late that Sunday evening, she knew that they would return again someday for smiles and wit and love. That was truly more than she could say for all of the lustful meals that might get her off with every bite, but left her feeling a different kind of dirty at the end.