ello! Thank you for buying a Lesbian™. The instructions below will show you how to best enjoy your Lesbian™ for many years to come.
How do I activate my Lesbian™?
Remove your Lesbian™ from its box and place it on a barstool. Program the jukebox to play any rockin' anthem by Melissa Etheridge and then pour a lite beer into your Lesbian's™ mouth. Your Lesbian™ will soon begin to bop her head violently to the music and screech the lyrics at top volume. DO NOT BE ALARMED! Your Lesbian™ is not angry with you. Rather, this is how Lesbians™ show an appreciation for music.
What do I feed my Lesbian™?
Before feeding your Lesbian™ for the first time, refer to the chart in Appendix A to determine what type of Lesbian™ you have purchased. If you have the Wombyn model, for example, feed her only twigs, bits of grass, and unflavored tofu. The Dietrich model eats cocktail olives, French cigarettes, and other women. And the Lesbians™ from our Lady Contractor line like to gorge themselves on large cuts of beef and vats of cheap whisky. ( NOTE: the Lady Contractors typically demand an eye-opener of raw eggs, vodka and tomato juice before they will even consider speaking to you in the morning. )
How do I keep my Lesbian™ entertained?
In most cases, simply toss your Lesbian™ a softball or give her a hammer. Lesbians™ from our Gertrude Stein collection will amuse themselves for hours making nonsensical, stream-of-consciousness pronouncements about your bathroom faucet.
What do I do if my Lesbian™ cries?
First of all, carefully remove the bottle of lite beer from your Lesbian's™ hand and turn off any mournful ballads playing in the background. Beer and poorly written songs about lost love are the reason behind most Lesbian™ breakdowns. Next, prepare to spend the several weeks ( months, years ) listening to your Lesbian™ whine about the loss of her ex-girlfriend. ( All Lesbians™ produced by Lesbians™ Inc. come complete with 'baggage.' You can upgrade from 'Recovering From a Series of Painful, Short-Term Relationships,' which is included in our standard 'baggage' package, to 'Caught Her Lover in Bed with Her Tennis Coach' in our Silver Package. Or choose our top-of-the-line Gold Package: 'Has Been in Love With Her Best Friend for 12 Years but Has Never Had the Nerve to Confess Her Love, and Will Suffer in Lonely Silence Until Death.'
Should I get a companion for my Lesbian™?
If you think that your Lesbian™ is lonely, we recommend getting her several cats. You also may consider enrolling her in a bowling league. Purchasing another Lesbian™ should be done only as a last resort. If you chose this option, please ( PLEASE! We are begging you! ) study the chart in Appendix B carefully. This will provide intricate detail on the very different personalities and sexual peccadilloes of our many models of Lesbians™. We cannot overemphasize the danger of mismatching a Lesbian™ couple. It is essential to remember that Lesbians™ will stay together well past the point of misery. An incompatible couple will ruin your dinner parties by making pointed comments about their lousy sex life, and they will lure your children into their domestic disputes, promising your 10-year-old boy a race car if he will slip some rat poison into the girlfriend's green tea.
What if I don't like my Lesbian™?
Too bad! Lesbian™ Inc. has a stringent no-return policy. So, your Lesbian™ is yours forever. If you grow bored with your Lesbian™ ( common complaint ) , we suggest you contact our sistah company, Bitchy Gay Boy™, and ask about their exchange program.
