THE VOICE OF CHICAGO'S GAY, LESBIAN, BI, TRANS AND QUEER COMMUNITY SINCE 1985

When does "no questions asked" not mean "no questions asked?" When it's about Lady Gaga's dogs. I really hate to think that there's someone out there who hasn't been following this story. But, because I specialize in full service, let me fill you in. Last Wednesday, Lady Gaga's Hollywood dog walker Ryan Fischer was out walking her three French Bulldogs—Koji, Gustav and Asia … and may I pause for a moment to note that none of those names sounds even remotely French. During their walk, two men wearing hoodies jumped out of a white Nissan Altima. One of the assailants shot him in the chest, while the other made off with the three dogs. But, not so fast: Miss Asia proved to be too much of a handful, so she escaped unharmed and stayed with Ryan.

Meanwhile, Lady Gaga was in Italy. Since this all happened at 10 p.m. PT, it was about 7 a.m. the next morning in Italy. And Gaga was devastated—not so devastated that she didn't show up to work on the film Gucci … because a gig's a gig. She promptly offered a $500K reward for the safe return of her little babies—"No questions asked." She added, "I continue to love you Ryan Fischer, you risked your life to fight for our family. You're forever a hero." BTW, Ryan is expected to make a full recovery. But, wait, there's more! Within 48 hours, a woman came forward … with the two dogs! Allegedly, she found them tied to a pole. But, you know, "No questions asked" means she wants her reward. While police say she doesn't appear to have been involved, this whole incident sounds eerily like a storyline on The Nanny. They solved that case because of an ice cream truck playing Barbra Streisand songs. In this instance, I say that the woman should get the reward.

During this pandemic, it's easy to forget the everyday struggles people in the real world face. Surely, harassing a gay couple for kissing in a public place is the least of our problems. And yet, it caused quite a kerfuffle when two men kissed on the beach in Tulum, Mexico. Within moments, police officers approached the couple. This caught the attention of Maritza Escalante, who documented what she witnessed on TikTok. She describes the guys as "young foreigners." She saw the police arrive to question them, and then saw armed back-up handcuff the couple! She asked officers why the couple was being detained; they said, "Because they were gay and they kissed." Keep this in mind next time you're planning a vaycay.

I'm sorry—that's all I can say for the lack of new episodes of "Billy Masters LIVE" last week. I've been working on another project during our hiatus, and was unable to make my schedule work. And, as you know, if I'm not live, I'm not there. However, this week we should be doing a show. On Thursday, March 4, we may be joined by one of my all-time favorite actresses—Renee Taylor. The younger fans know her as Fran Drescher's mother on the aforementioned sitcom, The Nanny. Those of us a tad older marvel at her extensive stage and screen career—often working with her husband, Joe Bologna. She's in a new film, and it's truly a family affair. Tango Shalom is directed by the couple's son, Gabriel Bologna, and features Renee alongside Joe, in what turned out to be his last performance. It also features one of Renee's best friends and frequent collaborators—the effervescent Lainie Kazan. Throw in Dancing with the Stars veteran professional Karina Smirnoff, and it sounds too good to be true. As is typical during this pandemic, everything is subject to change—but I promise you that I will be there. So simply tune in on our YouTube channel Billy Masters TV. Or just watch it on BillyMasters.com/TV.

In our brief "Ask Billy" question, Howie in Dallas asks, "I heard that Jonathan Bennett accidentally showed his penis online and then had the pic pulled. Can you track it down?"

I can, and I did. Here's the story. One morning, Jonathan posted a photo by his pool. He was reclining on a chaise, and showed his clear espresso glass with the caption "Good morning." The problem is, a clear glass with dark liquid reflects whatever is facing it—especially if that item is large enough to be the center of a sundial! And, that's how we got to see Bennett's breakfast banger. Whether it was fluffed for the purpose of this photo, you'll have to decide for yourself on BillyMasters.com .

When we opened with some dogs and ended with a footlong, it's definitely time to end another column. I'm just throwing this out there: Does anybody know where Jussie Smollett was last week? Or those hot Nigerian brothers? If I'm onto something, I'm happy to get off it and split the $500K with that good Samaritan. If I'm wrong, I'll just go back to work at BillyMasters.com—the site that'll never hold you hostage! Keep those questions coming to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before I finish interrogating those Nigerians—repeatedly! Until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.