"Honey … when you got talent, you don't need all this shit."Siegfried Fischbacher (of Siegfried & Roy) to Bette Midler, after she commented on the magical duo's high-tech show. (The story was related to me by eyewitness Bruce Vilanch.)
Typically I like to open each column with some sort of funny anecdote from the wacky world of Billy Masters. But this week, I simply can't. I simply have a terrible feeling of foreboding. It could be the impending transfer of power which I anticipate being anything but peaceful. Or it could simply be gas.
I suppose the funniest thing I heard all week was when El Presidente told Mr. Pence, "You can either go down in history as a patriot or a pussy." He does seem to be obsessed with that word. Well, you are what you eat. Speaking of which, Melanie has no plans to meet Dr. Jill Biden for the traditional first lady's tea. She won't even talk to Jill on the phone. Should they ever speak, I would implore Jill to learn the phrase "bolavy porazeny"which means "sore loser" in Slovak!
With this theater of the absurd bulldozing to what is hopefully the final curtain, we're told that El Presidente has instructed people to not mention the name "Nixon" in his presence. But, let me share with you a tasty tidbit a DC insider told me. Our current "leader" is beyond desperate to be pardoned. Don't be surprised if he actually resigns from the presidency a dayor even an hourbefore Biden is sworn in. Why would he do this? He's trying to make a deal with Pence, who could become part of history and be an actual president (however briefly), and could pardon El Prez. It all comes down to this: How badly does Pence want to be president? Even momentarily.
Russell T Davies was asked about the casting of It's a Sin. He insists he's not being "woke" by following the trend of casting openly gay people in the roles, saying, "I feel strongly that if I cast someone in a story, I am casting them to act as a lover or an enemy or someone on drugs or a criminal or saint. They are not there to "act gay' because 'acting gay' is a bunch of codes for a performance. It's about authenticity, the taste of 2020." He added, "You wouldn't cast someone able-bodied and put them in a wheelchair." Does the word "Ironside" ring a bell?
In a related story, Brendan Fraser has signed on to play a 600-pound gay recluse in the new movie, The Whale. My Godhe's been preparing for this part for eons! I wonder if people will get crazy about the casting, or will they just shrug and ask, "So?" Interestingly, some are already against the casting of Fraser, claiming that the filmmakers are fat-phobic. Apparently they haven't seen Brendan since "George of the Jungle."
And now, the subject you've been waiting forArmie Hammer's social-media mess. It started with a string of texts and photos that were allegedly sent from the actor to an anonymous woman which have odd sexual and cannibalistic references. Here's a sample: "Thinking of holding your heart in my hand and controlling when it beats...I am 100% a cannibal...I want to eat you...That's scary to admit. I've never admitted that before...I've cut the heart out of a living animal before and eaten it while still warm." Well, I suppose you don't wanna let a heart get cold. He later praises the woman's capacity for anal sex, and says when he's with others, "the only way I can cum is if I pretend I'm fucking you in the ass." Oh, the poetry. "You were the most intense and extreme version of that I've ever had. Raping you on your floor with a knife against you. Everything else seemed boring. You crying and screaming, me standing over you. I felt like a god. I've never felt such power or intensity."
The person who posted the messages, @HouseOfEffie, later said that the messages were "all fake." However, another lady recently linked to Hammer said she believed they "are real." Numerous other women came forward with their own Armie stories, giving credence to the messages. Then Hammer issued a statement: "I'm not responding to these bullshit claims," he said. "In light of the vicious and spurious online attacks against me, I cannot, in good conscience now, leave my children for four months to shoot a film in the Dominican Republic." The film was a frothy comedy with Jennifer Lopez called Shotgun Wedding. Unless there's a scene on the kitchen floor with a knife, it would be a letdown!
Our "Ask Billy" question kinda sounded suspiciously like an old story. Thomas in Chicago asks, "Everyone is talking about that dick pic Adrian Grenier accidentally posted. Do you have it?"
It's not so much a photo as a video. Grenier took a video of himself diving into a pool. In the video, he's nude and we've isolated a brief still of his peniswhich we'll post. However, if you're a fan, you probably remember three years ago when we unearthed two videos of the Entourage star taking matters into his own handsand, yes, he needed both hands! Check out the goods on BillyMasters.com .
When our "Ask Billy" subject is double-fisted, it's time to end yet another column. I'm suddenly in a better mood now than when I started. And you'll join me after checking out BillyMasters.comthe site that always delivers. If you've got a question for me, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Brendan Fraser ends up with his own show on TLC! Until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.