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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters

This article shared 1099 times since Wed Aug 3, 2016
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"When I was dating a guy I was hiding everything that I did because everything personal felt like it was immediately trivialized, so I didn't like it. ... But then it changed when I started dating a girl. I was, like, 'Actually, to hide this provides the implication that I'm not down with it or I'm ashamed of it', so I had to alter how I approached being in public. It opened my life up and I'm so much happier."—Kristen Stewart talks about her relationship with Alicia Cargile.

I pride myself on knowing a little about a lot of things. But I don't know everything about everything. For instance, did you know that if you get electrocuted, you can singe your clothes? That's just one of the lessons I learned in the emergency room. That, and when working with electrical wires, flip the circuit breaker first! Add in a ladder and a loose overhead wooden board, and it was a recipe for disaster. You won't be surprised to learn that I drove myself to the hospital with one hand...while holding the remains of my face with the other.

Theater devotees are flocking to Chicago for the chance to see Patti LuPone and Christine Ebersole star together in the new musical War Paint. You don't think I'd let a little hospital stay keep me away from seeing two double Tony Award winners sparring, do you? So off I went—facial bandaging be damned. As luck would have it, the musicalized story of cosmetic mavens Helena Rubinstein and Elizabeth Arden included a passing moment of electroshock therapy, but that's neither hither nor yon.

It's a curious thing to form a show around two women who never actually met despite having so much in common ( including swapping the men in their lives ). Most of the show is done in parallel scenes on opposite sides of the stage, with the ladies only meeting face-to-face in a fictitious late-life encounter. Despite both women's success, they are victims of their own ambition, of the times, and of their inability to change. Arden is not allowed to join an exclusive club ( which she helped design ) because "for a woman to have money is one thing. But to earn it? Surely you understand that changes things." Likewise, Rubinstein is discriminated against when trying to buy a penthouse because of her ethnicity. Recounting this episode, LuPone's Rubinstein is sanguine: "So, what did I do? Did I cry like a child? Do I walk away? No—I buy the building, instead!" Shades of Evita.

Both LuPone and Ebersole are at the top of their game. Both are actresses of extraordinary caliber whose vocal abilities are two sides of the same coin: Ebersole has a cooler, purer soprano, while LuPone is more idiosyncratic, guttural and harsh. These vocal attributes fit the characters ideally—not surprising since the roles were written for them. And, yet, there are times when the singers swap harmonies with striking dramatic results. It made me wonder how each would play the other's role. It's a challenge that perhaps they'll tackle one day. For now, the show has been extended at Chicago's Goodman until Aug. 21 ( if you can get a ticket ). I don't think it's too early to anticipate a very healthy Broadway run shortly thereafter—after a bit of tweaking and judicious pruning. While only a few scant seconds of video of the musical have been released, you won't be surprised to hear that quite a bit more has made its way into my rather well-worn lap. A certain someone has supplied us with fantastic footage of the full final face-off. And the only place you'll see these fabulous 15 minutes is on .

After seeing War Paint, a musical centered around two very different women, I found myself thinking about Wicked. Composer Steven Schwartz was at Comic-Con recently and said that the film version will have at least three new songs composed especially for the movie and one song that was cut prior to Broadway.

With the Olympics looming large, we were thinking about hunky gymnast Danell Leyva. You may remember the Cuban-American from four years ago, when we ran a series of nearly nude photos that came from his cell phone, to say nothing of a nude workout pictorial ( all of which can be found on ). Believe it or not, Danell ( who was the only U.S. gymnast to win a medal at the 2012 London Olympics—he won the bronze medal for all-around gymnast ) was an alternate on this year's Olympic team. But he's been moved up due to a teammate's knee injury. It's ironic that an injury worked to Leyva's advantage, since an injury is what kept him off the team in the first place. Days before a key qualifying meet, Danell was left with several gaping wounds on his legs and hands after trying to separate two of his pit bulls! And this isn't a first—four years ago, he had to get 80 stitches near his ear after being bitten by the same dogs days before the American Cup! I don't even think Betty White would object to both dogs being put down after this latest attack.

Many of you have written in the same "Ask Billy" question. But the e-mail from Kurt in Dallas was the first I received: "Who is Alex Bowen, and is that photo of his penis real? It can't really be that big!"

Alex Bowen is a fitness model who appeared on Love Island, a UK dating show. At the time, he listed his occupation as "scaffolder," but I doubt he's done much scaffolding lately. A photo of him flaunting his phenomenal physique and sporting a borderline double-digit dick mysteriously popped up in public and virtually broke the internet—to say nothing of countless other orifices. In fact, the hoopla made its way across the seas, leading many of you to write in wanting to see all. Ask and you shall receive—on .

When a penis can double as a scaffold, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Before we wrap up, we're gonna slip in one last dick. Basketball player Draymond Green claimed that a penis pic that appeared on his Snapchat feed was due to his phone being hacked. He quickly changed his story, saying it was meant to be private but he hit the wrong button. His erect penis will hit all the right buttons on—the site that's always on the ball. If you have something you'd like us to look into, write to, and I promise to get back to you before I get cast in a touring production of "Phantom." So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.

This article shared 1099 times since Wed Aug 3, 2016
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