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  NIGHTSPOTS

Billy Masters
by Billy Masters
2016-03-16

This article shared 2025 times since Wed Mar 16, 2016
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"I don't feel like they're out to get us. Every conservative guy out there believes in everybody's rights."—Thus sprach Caitlyn Jenner. I don't know why they haven't considered her as a host for Meet the Press.

I start this week with a cautionary tale. I was recently wondering what to make for dinner. I looked in the freezer and found a chicken pot pie. I wasn't sure how long it had been in there, but how bad could it be? I put it in the microwave ( in accordance with the instructions ) and within a minute, dark black smoke came billowing out. My kitchen was filled with that kinda smoke that burns your eyes and throat. In the microwave, black flames appeared to be emerging from the center of my pot pie as if it were a portal to hell. My kitchen still smells like the site of a major blaze—and let's not even discuss what my microwave smells like. Far be it from me to bring legal action against Hungry Boy, but I do think this hungry boy deserves a new microwave—and perhaps a pot pie or two.

Poor Hillary really stepped in it. During an interview about Nancy Reagan, Clinton applauded the former first lady's "'low-key advocacy' for HIV/AIDS awareness by starting a national conversation." This statement was vastly different from some of the hatred being spewed on Facebook where the Reagans were ( justly ) chastised for dragging their feet when it came to addressing AIDS. Once informed of her enormous faux pas, Hillary issued a statement: "While the Reagans were strong advocates for stem cell research and finding a cure for Alzheimer's disease, I misspoke about their record on HIV and AIDS. For that, I'm sorry." Ironic that a former first lady said, "I'm sorry"—the very words AIDS activists had been waiting decades for Nancy to say.

If Hillary put her foot in her mouth, Caitlyn Jenner somehow fit in an entire hoof—and her stompers are the size of a Clydesdale's. ( Finally: Cait is fair game! ) I guess I wasn't surprised when Jenner jumped on the Hillary-bashing bandwagon: "If we're unfortunate enough to get Hillary as our next president, we need her on our side. Although she won't be—she couldn't care less about women." I'm curious—is there a single Republican candidate who cares about women? And are we now considering Caitlyn a woman? I am unaware of any gender-reassignment surgery, so while I'll go along with her being transgender, I'm sure to most Republicans, Jenner is simply Bruce in a dress.

Caitlyn then waxed rhapsodically about Ted Cruz—perhaps she knows something we don't. She said if he becomes president, she'd like to be the trans ambassador to the president of the United States—so now she's making up jobs! She may need one—the season premiere of "I Am Cait" brought in abysmal ratings. The network thinks Cait has alienated the LGBT audience. One of the people having problems is Jennifer Finney Boylan, who is a cast member and consultant. When Cait talked longingly about Cruz, Boylan hit her with a newspaper. Later, Jennifer said, "In terms of equality and dignity, the difference between Republicans and Democrats are night and day. I don't really get why you'd vote against your own civil rights." We'll see how long Jennifer lasts—or, for that matter, the show.

Every once in a while, I'm asked about those who came before me. Those who blazed the trail for gossipmongers everywhere. Those who have moved on to the great beyond. In this case, the great beyond is Palm Springs. And, while its inhabitants are not technically dead, they are enjoying a well-deserved rest. One of those residents is Ted Casablanca. For 20 years, Casablanca was a mainstay in the gossip world—first at Premiere magazine and then at E! Online. He also cut quite an appealing figure, with a posterior that kept more sailors snug than could fit into Natalie Wood's dinghy! According to a profile in my Southern California publication, Frontiers, Casablanca initially relocated to the desert to work on a juicy novel. While he promises the novel will come out later this year, he's already opened the Ted Casablanca Gallery—how do they come up with such inventive names? The art gallery has a reputation for edgy fare. Check him out if you're in the area. The line forms at the rear, I'm sure.

Our "Ask Billy" question came from Darin in Chicago: "Who is this hot Italian math teacher who I keep seeing online? My God—he's GORGEOUS."

Pietro Boselli is kinda Italian and kinda British and totally hot. He was born in Italy and discovered by Giorgio Armani when he was 6 years old ( We're not even touching that. ) He spent his teen years modeling and studying engineering. While pursuing a doctorate in mechanical engineering, he taught math at University College London. When some of his students found his modeling photos online, he quickly became known as the "World's Sexiest Math Teacher."

Since then, the 27-year-old has given up teaching and is embracing his 15 minutes by modeling all over the world. Lately, Pietro has been shooting Trippers for MTV, which brought him to the Gay Mardi Gras celebrations in Australia. He's very cagey about his romantic life, saying he is "unavailable." He's also said that his top three idols are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Oscar Wilde and the Rolling Stones—so take that any way you'd like. Since we have oodles of scantily clad shots of him, we'll post a bunch—as well as an underwear spread—on BillyMasters.com .

Since we don't want to deny you an unclad dick, we present former One Direction member Zayn Malik's member. From the pics we've acquired, the one direction kinda curves slightly to the left. Allegedly, the photos stemmed from when he was dating Perrie Edwards last year. How they ended up in my inbox is unknown.

When I don't even have a pot ( pie ) to piss in, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Thank God the smoke didn't damage www.BillyMasters.com, the site that sizzles. If you've got a question for me, send it to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Cait gets a job in Cruz's closet ... er, cabinet! Until next time, remember: One man's filth is another man's bible.


This article shared 2025 times since Wed Mar 16, 2016
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