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Billy Masters
by Billy Masters

This article shared 3880 times since Wed Jan 13, 2016
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"Can I just ask you a question? What the fuck does sugar tits even mean?"—The bleeped question from Ricky Gervais to Mel Gibson at the Golden Globes. What was his response? "I dunno. Ask the guy who said it, it wasn't me." A likely story!

Look, I loves me some Jane Fonda as much as the next gay man. But why does she always look so pissed off? Perhaps she has a different sense of humor—kinda like that laugh-out-loud comedy, The Martian! Every time the camera showed Jane, she had a martini in her hand—you'd think that would loosen her up a little. Even the new first and second ladies of comedy, Eva Longoria and America Ferrera, couldn't get Fonda to even chuckle!

Yes, we're talking Golden Globes—briefly. ( I just got home and I'm exhausted. ) If you ask me, J.Lo looked like the runner-up for Miss Universe. Or the winner. I can't keep track. I was thrilled that many of my favorite shows and people won awards. That said, how in God's name did Lady Gaga not only get nominated but actually win? It does put the Pia Zadora scandal of 1982 into perspective. And, why does she have such enormous difficulty walking? Eh, probably because she's used to traveling by egg! Before we move on, a special shout-out to my dear Taraji—and thanks for the cookie, Cookie!

You may have heard that Colton Haynes outed himself on Tumblr—words I never thought I'd utter ( or type ). For those of you who have no idea who Colton Haynes is, he's an actor currently on Arrow and was previously on Teen Wolf—suffice it to say, he's more People's Choice Awards than Golden Globes. He started out as a model, most notably posing affectionately in various forms of undress with other nubile lads in XY magazine.

The whole kerfuffle got refluffed Jan. 2, when someone posted on Tumblr "when I found out colton haynes had a secret gay past i got so excited even though i know it makes absolutely no difference in my life." Haynes reposted the original comment and then said, "Was it a secret? Let's all just enjoy life & have no regrets : )"—and there were lots of silly emojis that I thought only teenage girls used. In his Teen Wolf days, he was less laid back. I recall many websites receiving letters threatening legal action from Haynes' attorney if the XY photos were not removed. Since I never kowtow to such demands, those photos can still be seen on .

Hypocrisy is not limited to the entertainment industry. Last week, Christian family vlogger Austin Null found himself in quite a pickle—by showing off his pickle. Since I had no idea who this guy was, let's start with that. Null has a YouTube channel called Nive Nulls, which is described as a "Los Angeles-based, fun vlogging family, who show their crazy daily lives in an entertaining and fast-paced way." He's also described as having "an upbeat personality that's nothing short of infectious."

All his professional web infections apparently spilled over into his personal life. Turns out, this married, holier-than-thou zealot has been having some sort of webcam affair with ( presumably ) a woman. He posted a very special vlog with his wife Britt called "We Need To Talk." They talked about the nude photos of Austin that have surfaced—including some which show him being "inappropriate" with some household objects! Austin admits to having an "online affair" for five months during Britt's pregnancy! He's stopped the affair, confessed to Britt and is in counseling. So how did the photos and videos go public? We don't know, but his lawyers have threatened legal action against anybody publishing the material. And once again, we throw our head back and laugh—ha, ha—as we post them on .

That Sean Penn is smarter than he looks—well, he'd have to be. He scheduled his 5th Annual Help Haiti Home Gala in Beverly Hills on the eve of the Golden Globes. And it just happened to coincide with the night off of his ex-wife, Madonna. Madge rambled on a bit, lapsed in and out of an accent that one cannot pinpoint with GPS, and then whipped out a ukulele. Even though I knew what was coming, I still shuddered—much as I did during the Drowned World Tour where she showed off the three chords she learned. ( The cursed ukulele was later auctioned off for $300K. ) Madonna announced that she'd sing "La Vie en Rose" with "my bad Parisian pronunciations." Not only am I not convinced that it was a Parisian accent—I am not sure I could identify it as French! But, here's my favorite part of her introduction: "If you know the words, please sing along. I've been known to forget the words occasionally—I have a lot on my mind." You know who has a lot on their mind? The people in HAITI! You can check out the video on our website.

Our "Ask Billy" question is kinda apropos of the Golden Globes. Gary in Providence said: "I think Eddie Redmayne is SO hot. Did we actually get a glimpse of his penis in The Danish Girl?"

Leave it to my readers to distill a movie with social relevance down to the lowest common denominator. And leave it to me to not only run the question, but answer it. Yes, when Eddie's character is fantasizing about what it would be like to live as a woman, he tucks his penis betwixt his legs. But briefly, ever so briefly, we get a glimpse of the goods. And we'll share that glimpse with you on .

When we're able to slip in a glimpse of penis, it's definitely time to end yet another column. As we go to press, we want to acknowledge the death of David Bowie. But perhaps mourning is premature. After all, last month he released a CD called "Blackstar" and featured a song, "Lazarus". If he rises from the dead, you'll hear about it first on, the site that never misses a resurrection - or any other kind of erection! If you have a question for you, send it along to, and I promise to get back to you before Fonda cracks a smile! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.

This article shared 3880 times since Wed Jan 13, 2016
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