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  WINDY CITY TIMES

Billy Masters
2015-07-08

This article shared 4450 times since Wed Jul 8, 2015
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"When you Google yourself and the first thing that comes up is 'Jeremy Renner gay,' it's like, 'Oh, now you've arrived. You're now a giant movie star.' So I just had a big laugh about it. I don't care, ultimately, if that's what people want to think, read, and care about. Fucking say whatever the hell you want about me."—Jeremy Renner in Playboy. While I appreciate the sentiment, what straight man who doesn't care about rumors still Googles himself?

This week, I'd like to open my column in defense of whores. Yes, you heard me right—whores. We all condemn them but you know we love them ... and often, we are them. Oh, yeah, it's such a terrible thing to be able to sleep with lots of hot people. Jealous much? Then again, I'm on my way to Provincetown, so sex is on my mind. This diatribe ( or diatrite—my new word ) is spurred by the condemnation of "Bachelorette" Kaitlyn—as opposed to the latest Jenner spawn, Caitlyn. There are lots of reasons to dislike Kaitlyn—she's annoying, not funny, kinda rude, classless and not so bright. And did I mention she's annoying? But she's the "Bachelorette" and these guys wanna sleep with her—and these guys are hot. News flash: If I were the "Bachelorette," I'd be sleeping with EVERYONE—including the crew ( and that's actually happened before ). So, let he without lust in his heart ( and without opportunities ) cast the first stone. So let it be written; so let it be done.

Then there are Michael Sam and Vito Whatshisname—the one who was previously dating a porn star. ( Not that there's anything wrong with that—I married one. ) Perhaps more details will be revealed by the time this is published, but on the day I'm writing this ( and in between orgasms ), it seems that the couple has split up. That would explain why Sam had to fly home to Texas for a "personal matter."

As you may recall, the couple famously posted photos of Mikey proposing to Vito on the roof of Saint Peter's Basilica in January—an event I'm sure was not sanctioned by the Vatican. In the past week, photos of that special moment have been scrubbed from both of their social media accounts, and people close to the couple say they have been estranged for weeks. For their part, Michael and Vito have thus far issued a terse "no comment" to press requests about their status.

Someone who always has something to say is Donald Trump. I've been waiting for a gay angle in this whole mess, and finally it's arrived. Thomas Roberts and Cheryl Burke were slated to host the Miss USA Pageant, but given the brouhaha, they have both pulled out. Last week, Roselyn Sanchez and Cristian de la Fuente pulled out from hosting the Univision telecast. Then judges Flo Rida, Emmitt Smith,and Jonathan Scott pulled out. Performers Craig Wayne Boyd and Natalie La Rose pulled out. The only one who never pulled out was Donald—that's why we've been plagued with his untalented children!

It's all moot at this point—Univision dumped the pageant last week. Now NBC announced they're cutting all ties with Trump—including no longer airing Miss USA or Miss Universe. The network stressed that if Celebrity Apprentice returns, it would have a new host. Needless to say, The Donald is considering filing suit against the network, saying, "NBC is weak, and like everybody else is trying to be politically correct." He's already filed a $500-million lawsuit against Univision. The pageant will now air on that thriving network, Reelz, which I believe is somewhere in the thousands on your cable provider.

If I'm worried about offending people, then Katy Perry sure has balls—she's risking pissing off a gaggle of nuns! It all started when she innocently bought what she thought was a former convent. It turns out that some nuns still live there. L.A. Archbishop Jose Gomez signed a deal for Perry to pay $14.5 million for the Convent of the Sisters of the Immaculate Heart of Mary. However, the sister had signed papers to sell the property to a restaurateur for $15.5 million. Wait a minute? Can nuns do that? Sell a convent? Next thing you know, Pope Francis will list the Basilica on eBay! Apparently, 47 of the resident nuns were moved out of the convent back in 2011. But there are still five nuns there as squatters—and we all know how that goes in California. ( See the film Pacific Heights. ) The irony is that prior to her pop success, Perry was a Christian singer. She tried to appeal to the stubborn sisters directly by meeting with them, showing them her Jesus tattoo, and singing "Oh Happy Day." Sister Rita Callanan told the Today show, "Our days have not been happy since then, I can assure you." I love a snappy sister!

Alas, I can't be everywhere. If I could, I would certainly not have missed last week's screening of Showgirls at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery—especially since it was attended by Nomi herself, Elizabeth Berkley. Although Showgirls has become a gay cult classic, it is also considered one of the worst movies ever made and is regarded as putting the nail in Elizabeth Berkley's burgeoning film career—it's her Mommie Dearest. We're told this was Berkley's first appearance at a screening in 20 years and she was greeted as a goddess ( take a hint, Faye ). As luck would have it, the screening took place the day after the Supreme Court ruled in favor of same-sex marriage. So it was a celebratory mood all around, with Berkley saying, "I wanna just start this incredible night off by just acknowledging what a celebration tonight is on the heels of such a monumental, incredible win last night. Love wins!" She then struck a Nomi pose, and the audience erupted—as you'll see in the video on BillyMasters.com .

Lastly, I must mention the prank that was pulled on poor Paris Hilton last week in Egypt. I know this made all the news, but it's just too delicious. Paris was in Egypt and thought she was on a TV show that would fly her in a little airplane. Shortly after take-off, the plane starts to nose-dive. Paris kept yelling, "What the fuck is happening?" Of course, this was all scripted, but Hilton was in the dark ... or was she? Rumor has it that the heiress was in on the prank and paid "in the millions." You can decide for yourself when you see the footage on our website.

When Paris Hilton could have any discernible acting ability, it's time to end yet another column. I trust you all had a festive Fourth. Be sure to check out www.BillyMasters.com, the site that always provides a bang. If you have a question for me to tackle, send it to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Michael Sam's recruited to be the next Bachelor. So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.


This article shared 4450 times since Wed Jul 8, 2015
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