"The only thing I would like is to go out one day, without being recognized, and go to a pizzeria for a pizza!"—Pope Francis told an interviewer the one downside to being pope—as if they don't have Domino's in Rome!
I want to discuss a topic that's been bothering me for quite some time—actors who cap their teeth. Don't get me wrong, I like a nice set of pearly whites ... as long as they're nowhere near my nether regions. My problem is with people who skimp on the procedure. Some actors struggling toward stardom will take the cheap way out and cap only their front teeth. You might expect them to finish the job when they get their big break but, alas, many of them tend to neglect the rest of their chompers. This is painfully obvious in close-ups, or worse, in publicity shots which show bright shiny teeth up front and beige in back. Since two of the biggest offenders are people I am genuinely fond of, I won't name names. But I'll post pics of their less-than-dazzling smiles on BillyMasters.com .
Turning to a story that is hopefully unrelated, doctors in Cape Town have performed the first penis transplant. Questions abound. Who is donating a penis? Is there a box I'll have to check off when I renew my license that says, "Penis Donor?" While researching those questions, we did learn that there is a great need for this procedure in South Africa, where men apparently lose their penises in staggering numbers due to late-life circumcision. In one of the greatest understatements of all time, the leading researcher said, "For a young man of 18 or 19 years, the loss of his penis can be deeply traumatic." Really?! He added, "It's a massive breakthrough. We've proved that it can be done—we can give someone an organ that is just as good as the one that he had." Or, perhaps better!
The big breakup this week was between Kathy Griffin and E! In a move that surprised nobody, Griffin announced that she is quitting Fashion Police. But who really dumped who? That's the question people should be asking. The one thing everyone can agree on is that it wasn't a good fit from the beginning. There was no chemistry and ratings for the show have been down all season. Allegedly, Kathy and the producers were often at odds, with the funny lady threatening to quit several times before she actually left. But insiders at the network tell me that the brass was getting ready to kick Kathy to the curb ( in an alliteration I know she'll enjoy ). The latest squabble started when someone pitched a new segment called "Whore Score"—where the hosts would rate dresses based on their whore-o-licious level. Kathy felt that was not only too mean, but stupid. "Name calling and alliteration with no comedic context is simply the lowest hanging fruit." Hey, I resemble that remark!
Meanwhile on Univision, openly gay style reporter Rodner Figueroa made what would be a faux pas in any language: "You all know that Michelle Obama looks like she's from the movie 'Planet of the Apes'!" And E! got into a tizzy over Giuliana and Zendaya!! Needless to say, the White House didn't find this amusing. Within hours, Figueroa was fired and issued a statement: "I am embarrassed, I ask forgiveness, because there is no excuse for a professional like me to make comments like this that can be misinterpreted as offensive and racist during such a volatile time in our country." What exactly was misconstrued? It seems clear to me that he said Michelle looked like an ape—unless he meant she looked like Charlton Heston, which is even worse!
Ever since Empire debuted, people have been speculating about the sexuality of Jussie Smollett, who plays the role of gay son Jamal. While he's avoided the topic in interviews, some of his co-stars have been less than circumspect. But Jussie kept quiet, even during an appearance on Ellen. However after the show, he decided to sit down with DeGeneres and clear the air: "There's never been a closet that I've been in. I don't own a closet. I got a dresser, but I don't have a closet." He did add, "My momma knows. My momma likes me a lot. And, yes, I take her to 'The Sound of Music' singalong every single year. So, any questions?" None that I can think of.
She's back—Joan Collins returns to TV in E!'s The Royals. And if you've seen any of the clips from upcoming episodes, you know that she's a queen mum who's a real mother! Even if Collins is looking forward ( E! has already greenlit season two of the show ), she's also happy to glance backwards occasionally. Dame Joan will be appearing at the official Star Trek Convention, to be held at the Rio Suites Hotel in Las Vegas on Aug. 6-9. Since she starred in what is arguably the most popular episode of the classic series, this is quite a coup for the organizers, who promise she will not only appear, but do photo ops and sign autographs. Get your tix now at Creationent.com .
This leads perfectly into our "Ask Billy" question. Patrick in Rhode Island writes: "Have they figured out who that nude guy climbing down from a window at Buckingham Palace was? He has a great ass. Maybe it was Prince Harry. Or maybe it was some guy visiting Prince Harry!"
You can hope all you want but, alas, the nude guy wasn't intruding on Harry—or any other member of the royal family. It turns out to have just been a hoax—cleverly produced by the folks behind E!'s aforementioned series, The Royals. A faux tabloid program shows the entire footage, where actress Alexandra Park ( playing the role of Princess Eleanor ) is seen throwing her beau out the window. Happily for us, he got started before his clothes did. And what a perky little bottom he has, as you can see on BillyMasters.com .
When we're trying to get to the bottom of a "royal" intruder, it's definitely time to end yet another column. And that just scratches the surface of what you'll find on www.BillyMasters.com, the site that never leaves you hanging. If you've got something you want me to look into, dash off a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Chaz Bono books a flight to South Africa! Until next time, remember one man's filth is another man's bible.
