"She's a hard act to follow! I just relate to that character, and I've loved it since I was a little girl."—Kelly Clarkson puts it out there that she'd be interested in headlining a Broadway revival of Funny Girl. And it might be fate—she shares a birthday with Babs. We'll share a video of her singing "My Man" in concert on BillyMasters.com .
For those of you not keeping track ( or who simply don't care ) it's been widely reported that Kelly Osbourne quit E!'s Fashion Police because Giuliana Rancic said that Zendaya looked like she smelled of patchouli oil and weed because of her dreadlocks. First, the "joke"—Giuliana didn't come up with it; it was scripted for her by the writers. Did anyone think to ask what the hell Zendaya was doing at the Oscars, anyway? But that's all beside the point.
I can tell you exclusively that Kelly only returned to Fashion Police this season because she was contractually obligated to. I hear that when Kathy Griffin got the gig, she wanted a clean slate and new people. E! was obliged to use Kelly and Giuliana, but both knew that they weren't really welcomed. Adding insult to injury, the raise Kelly was promised didn't happen, allegedly due to the money E! was spending on Kathy. Osbourne let it be known that she was thinking of quitting, and E! let her know that she was more than welcomed to—but she couldn't do any other television for the length of her contract. It was all very ugly. The one person who stood up for Kelly was Melissa Rivers. As executive producer, Missy fought for Kelly to stay—primarily because Joan Rivers looked to Kelly as a protege ( kinda like the daughter she never had ). She cajoled Kelly to make the best of it. But from the beginning, the chemistry wasn't there—on camera or off. Even worse, the ratings were down roughly 25 percent from last year. So this whole Zendaya thing is all just a convenient excuse for Kelly to leave.
Now, onto the wardrobe malfunction heard 'round the world—Madonna flying backward and landing on her ass. At the Brit Awards, Madonna was singing "Living For Love," which started with her standing backward on the top of a staircase in a very long Armani cape. She was supposed to untie the cape, the dancers were supposed to pull it away, and she would be revealed in ... well, some kind of bullfighters outfit. But in a moment that was either unfortunate or hilarious ( depending on your perspective ), the timing was off.
While initially the dancers were blamed for pulling the cape too soon, that isn't what happened. I'm told from people who were in the rehearsal room, Madonna was very clear about what she wanted and kept screaming, "Pull the cape harder and faster—I want it to be a dramatic moment!" Well, it certainly was that! She later blamed the people who dressed her: "Everyone was worried my cape would slide off, so they tied it really tight around my neck. I got to the top of the stairs and I pulled the silky string, and it wouldn't come undone. I had two choices: I could either be strangled or fall. And I chose to fall." Leave it to Madge to once again make the wrong choice.
In my Oscars recap, I revealed what I thought was quite obvious—Neil Patrick Harris' briefs were padded during his Birdman tribute. Either that, or he has a penis shaped kinda like a trapezoid ... which we know isn't the case since you can see his penis on BillyMasters.com . In discussing his bit, he said, "We did the dress rehearsal, and I just had the pair of regular underwear on. But the lights! They see through things! So the Academy or the network or someone said we had to do something so you couldn't tell my religion. So what they did was they had to take a second pair and sew it into the first to make it so that you couldn't sort of see through it." And if there was a bit of judicious padding along the way, all the better.
In a related story, men who have been circumcised may soon be able to grow back their foreskin. While it's a long way from human trials, Foregen is developing the technology based on the ability a lizard has to regrow its tail.
Speaking of lizards, the North Dakota State football player who was accused of stalking David Geffen has pled no contest to the charges. You may recall that when Jamie Ralph Kuntz's teammates saw the couple kissing, he explained that Geffen was his grandfather—so, in other words, he acted like a real Kuntz. ( He was also kicked off the team. ) Once Geffen dumped him, the kid continued to pursue grandpa. While he insists he's innocent, Kuntz is taking the deal basically to get out of jail—he could not afford the $150,000 bail. But let's put this in perspective. He kissed David Geffen. Hasn't the poor boy suffered enough?
Many of you have written in asking if I have the nude photos of Calvin Harris. The rest of you are asking, who the fuck is Calvin Harris? He's a DJ/singer/producer/model ... because these days, if you can't add "/model" to your title, forget it. A website recently claimed that nude photos and a video of Calvin are being peddled to the highest bidder. Harris immediately lawyered up and threatened to sue anyone who published such filth ( which, as you know, is our birth name ). Several less-than-reputable sites have sunk so low as to take Harris' Armani underwear photo shoot, blur out the undies, and say they are showing you censored versions of the nude photos. So let me tell you: They are all lying. And I'll prove it by posting the delicious Armani shots on BillyMasters.com . The real nude photos are candids of Harris with various women; they are not professionally photographed shots. And in case anyone is wondering, we'll share 'em with you should they fall into our enormous hands.
Someone who has no problem showing off is singer Ashley Parker Angel, currently touring the country in Wicked. And why not? He looks more gorgeous than ever, as you'll see on BillyMasters.com .
When an Oscar host is wearing two pairs of undies and a Wickedly hot boy ain't wearing any, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Since we ran long and I have to run and catch a plane, I will quickly direct you to www.BillyMasters.com, the site that has nothing to hide. This week, I'll be in South Beach for the Winter Party, a benefit for the National LGBTQ Task Force. If you're in the neighborhood, grab a ticket at WinterParty.com, come by and say hi. No matter where you are, you can reach out and touch me—via email. Just send a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Calvin Harris does a private photo shoot for Calvin Klein. Until next time, remember one man's filth is another man's bible.
