"Happy Birthday Russell. Birthdays are like rim jobs—you gotta get involved. Open up and get ready for another great year!"—So said the inscription on the birthday cake of Russell Tovey on the set of HBO's Looking, which just started its second season. He says it's a sign of things to come. We sure hope so!
So, I'm having sex with this incredibly hot guy who is way out of my league. ( Let that be a lesson to you—too many pills and booze and you end up having sex with Billy Masters! ) In the middle of the act, I asked, "What's your name?" Call me old-fashioned, but when parts of my body are entering you repeatedly, I think it's only polite to know your name. "Kirby," he answers between gasps and clenched teeth. At this point, I have two simultaneous thoughts: 1 ) How likely is it that the name Kirby is anywhere on this guy's birth certificate? And 2 ) Wasn't Kirby a character on Dynasty? And with that, erection gone—mission not accomplished. We don't like to rush, but your case has been packed. If we've missed anything, you could give us a ring. But we don't always answer the phone.
While I was in Fort Lauderdale trying to figure out if the guy I was shtupping was related to Kathleen Beller, John Travolta was chatting up a stranger in a Planet Fitness in Ocala, Florida. At 3 a.m., Justin Jones thought he'd work out in an empty gym when a familiar-looking bald man approached him. ( Coincidentally, I met Kirby in a kinda gym. ) "Hi, I'm John," said the hairpiece-free Travolta. He then bombarded the guy with a barrage of questions: marital status, do you have kids, what do you do for fun. Jones later told The National Enquirer ( in exchange for payment, I'm sure ), "I understood what was happening when it was happening—it was in his body language. It didn't make me uncomfortable, but I noticed it."
Last week saw the debut of the long-awaited Whitney Houston biopic. Considering it followed Lifetime's previous biopics on Anna Nicole Smith and Brittany Murphy, I can't say the results were disastrous. On the positive side, we got to enjoy the stellar vocals of Deborah Cox, doing her best Whitney impersonation ( and purposely suppressing her trademark soul ). The person getting the brunt of the criticism is Angela Bassett, who was making her directorial debut. Most of the barbs came from the Houston family. Matriarch Cissy all but issued a fatwa on Angela, but Whitney's daughter, Bobbi Kristina, went further. You see, BK wasn't pissed the film was made. Oh, no—she was pissed she wasn't IN it! Believe it or not, Whitney's only child wanted to be cast as the lead. Hmmm, let's look at the reasons why she wasn't. First, I don't believe she can act. Second, she would be doing love scenes with the guy playing her dad. And third, she looks nothing like Whitney. Perhaps she would have been more successful if she'd gone after the role of Bobby Brown!
Bobbi Kristina went public with her complaints. While the film was in production, she Tweeted, "Ha MsAng 'bassketcase' has such a damn nerve. My lord, at least the world doesn't mistake me for the wrong sex.. she has #XtraEequipment [sic]." She then added, "When I win my first Grammy or Oscar, *Shrugs* hmm whichever comes1st, I'll be sure 2shout URname out b-tch! hah UrTestResults = MALE. Lmao." I'm not sure where to start dissecting this—the grievances, the grammar or the grandiosity. It is fascinating that LaPrincia's sister muses on whether she'll win a Grammy or an Oscar first while bashing someone who at least has been nominated for an Oscar!
Jared Leto recently Tweeted a mega-hot selfie wearing only tights and a fanny pack. Turns out, Leto is selling the accessory, which he calls a "hip pack" ( a term I'm sure he picked up from his Dallas Buyers Club co-star Matthew McConaughey, who called it that when he was snapped wearing one ). You may buy Jared's wares at JaredLetoMerch.com, but you should definitely check him out wearing very little on BillyMasters.com .
Derek Hough has left Dancing with the Stars. He wants to try something really different: "I am ecstatic that I'll be able to extend my passion for performing to the Great Stage of Radio City Music Hall in New York Spring Spectacular." Yes, you read correctly—Hough is going to become a Rockette. He's certainly got the gams for it.
Derek may have left DWTS, but we still have Julianne keeping Len company at the judges' table. And she had a big announcement of her own. FOX will be joining the TV musical craze with a live performance of Grease. And playing Sandy will be Hough ( Julianne, not Derek ), while Rizzo will be portrayed by Vanessa Hudgens. Since Grease: Live isn't taking place until Jan. 31, 2016, it continues the longstanding FOX tradition of casting the roles of high school students with people a generation older.
This week's "Ask Billy" question comes from Barry in Atlanta: "I loved the photo of you and the Carver twins—they are so hot on Teen Wolf. But what is this three-way you mentioned? Is that in a movie? A gay three-way?"
Yes, indeed. I Am Michael is about Michael Glatze, who worked at XY magazine and founded "YGA" and was a gay-rights activist. Eventually, he became a proponent of conversion therapy and an outspoken ex-gay. James Franco is playing Glatze while the role of his boyfriend is being played by Zachary Quinto. According to sources who saw the flick at Sundance, Franco meets Charlie Carver in a club and hits on him. When Carver asks about his boyfriend, Franco says, "He'd like you, too." This leads to a very hot sex scene. How hot? We're told there's lots of kissing, skin and, at the very least, asses. How do we know for sure? Because a little birdie leaked us a photo from the scene. Check it out on BillyMasters.com .
When Luke Perry could be cast as Danny Zuko in Grease: Live, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Since we ran long, let me quickly remind you to check out the all new www.BillyMasters.com—the site that can fill any gap. If you've got a question for me, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before the Rockettes realize they hired the wrong Hough! So, until next time, remember one man's filth is another man's bible.
