"'Casa Valentina, a nominee for Best Play, highlights the tension between married men who cross-dress and the gay community—two sides that never understood each other. It's kinda like people who are against same-sex marriage and people who mind their own business."—Hugh Jackman, at the Tony Awards. Moments earlier, he gave people in the mosh pit "the greatest view of the Man from Down Under's down-under." Ah, it's the little things....
Here we are in the midst of Gay Pride Month—and you know what? It doesn't seem any gayer than any other month. For the past few years, most months have been gay months. Every time you turn around, there's another gay marriage in the news. Gay seniors are getting housing. Gay teens are more mobilized than ever. Even my quaint little high school has a gay-straight alliance. And yet, what makes big news last week? A couple instances of political correctness. First, an alleged transphobic joke posted by Jenny McCarthy on Twitter. Here's what she wrote: "Did Jennifer Lopez's boyfriend cheat with a transsexual model? I heard J-Lo gave him an ultimatum: 'it's either me or her/him!'" Is that even anything-phobic? If that's what's passing for hate speech these days, then I—the person who coined "s/he"—am in trouble. Everyone calm down ( and more on J-Lo and Casper later ).
Every once in a while I'll click on a story just because of the headline. This one from Russia caught my eye: "Boy Sentenced to Jail Because of Large Penis." Who wouldn't click on that story? I should hire that writer to fill in for me on BillyMasters.com when I'm on vacation ( as if ). Since I know you're dying to hear what the story is about, I did my due diligence. Apparently, a 12-year-old boy was arrested on suspicion of stealing a cell phone. That doesn't sound penis-related to me, unless he shoved it down his pants. The teen and his parents moved to Moscow from the Ukraine earlier that same month and produced documents proving his age. But the authorities felt he looked older and ordered him to have a medical examination. Why? Because if he's over 16, he can be tried as an adult. The examining doctor surmised that the lad was 16 or 17—based on the size of his penis. So for now, Tomas ( no last name given ) is in prison—where I suspect he is very popular.
Large penis stories are always gobbled up by my readers, so why not share another one with you? Back when Ben Flajnik was the Bachelor, he chose as his fiancée a vicious vixen named Courtney Robertson. Of course they broke up—as Bachelor couples are wont to do. But that didn't stop Court from writing a book—a miraculous feat since I find it hard to believe she's ever read a book. I Didn't Come Here to Make Friends: Confessions of a Reality Show Villain just came out, and one of her anecdotes is about a tryst with Entourage star Adrian Grenier. She recounts meeting him at a party and hooking up with him due to "mutual loneliness in LA"—I can't tell you how many times I've used that line. She claims they never had sex because she didn't feel a spark. Perhaps, but she certainly felt something. "He had the biggest penis I'd ever seen—and the biggest bush!"
Hold onto your hat ( does anyone still wear a hat? )—it's time for another installment of Fayewatch! Oh, Miss Dunaway, we've missed you. And yet, it sounds like her absence won't be ending anytime soon. Remember the long-awaited movie version of Master Class that Faye was going to make? After shooting about half the film, the production shut down due to some issues with the moneymen. It's been inactive for a couple of years, and that's a problem.
You see, Faye owned the rights to the play for a certain period of time. Since that time has lapsed, the rights have reverted back to playwright Terrence McNally. Of course, Faye could buy the rights again—but she hasn't got the money to finish the film. I'm told one of the many people approached to jump in is someone who knows a thing or two about rights reverting to the author—Barbra Streisand. The pitch was for Babs to fund the project so that Faye could finish it. Upon further investigation, it was learned that the stuff already filmed is unusable, so they'd have to start the project from scratch. And that led to a brilliant idea—what if Streisand bought the rights and made the film herself? A call went out to two of Babs' good friends—Dustin Hoffman and Al Pacino. Would either of them be interested in playing Onassis opposite her Maria Callas? I can only imagine the voice messages Faye will leave Barbra when she hears about this!
Last week, Melissa Etheridge got married to Linda Wallem. Although I wish them well, I think a word to the wise should suffice. After all, this is not a position that has historically been known for its job security.
On the flip side, Melanie Griffith just filed for divorce from Antonio Banderas. The couple has not been seen in public for many months. In fact, Antonio has recently been accompanied to many public events by another lovely lady. This is no surprise to me. I'm far more surprised that the marriage lasted 18 years!
And this brings us to Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart: I told you I'd get back to them. You may have heard that the couple is officially kaput. If Casper was smart, he'd have been pocketing his per diem all these years. I'm sure this split comes as no surprise to my loyal readers. We've all heard rumors that Casper is gay. Didn't I have a blind item about him recently? Something about attending after hours gay bars for a tryst or two? That's par for the course for a Jennifer Lopez suitor.
When dating J-Lo is the first step to coming out, it's definitely time to end yet another column. An extra long column filled with not one but two extra large penises. That's what you've come to expect from www.BillyMasters.com—the site that never skimps on size. I didn't answer a question in print because I didn't have room. But I'm always sure to accommodate each and every reader. Just reach out and touch me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back Streisand stars in a musical remake of Mommie Dearest! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.
